All sounds are in .wav format. I'll add or change a few sounds every few weeks. Please note it takes a while for larger files such as the theme song to download. If you are running Windows 95 or later and are unable to play the sounds, check if you have audio compression installed. Go to the "settings" on the start menu, then "control panel" and "add/remove programs." On the "Windows Setup" tab, double click on "multimedia"; make sure "audio compression" has a check next to it.

Songs German Sounds Bloopers Sounds Requests

M*A*S*H Songs

(M*A*S*H Theme) (495 K)

• "Suicide Is Painless" by J. Mandel (from opening of show), lyrics

Please note: If you're having problems playing the whole song, try right-clicking on the link above and choose "Save as" on the menu. Save it somewhere on your hard drive and try playing it after you've finished saving it.

(from "Dear Sis") (287 K)

• "Dona Nobis Pacem" sung by everyone, lyrics

(from "Movie Tonight")

• "The Army Song" (lyrics)
  • Verses 1-3 (268 k)
  • Verses 4-7 (307 k)
  • Final chorus (80 k)
  • Frank's verse (74 k)

(from "Dear Uncle Abdul") (253 K)

• Father Mulcahy's war song (lyrics)

(from "Change of Command") (131 K)

• Potter, Hawkeye, and B.J. sing "Long, Long Trail" (lyrics)

(from "That's Show Biz")

• "Sweet Molly Malone" (lyrics)
  • Verse 1 sung by Sarah Miller (169 K)
  • 1st two lines of Verse 2 with Marina Ryan joining in (56 K)
  • Verse 2 and chorus with Margaret joining (150 K)

(from "There Is Nothing Like a Nurse") (416 K)

• Capt. Spalding's song about the nurses (lyrics)

(from "Rainbow Bridge") (185 K)

• "North Korean Blues" (lyrics)

German M*A*S*H Sounds

In many countries where English is not the primary language, M*A*S*H is dubbed over with dialogue in the primary language. Below are clips of M*A*S*H quotes in German. Thanks to Fritz for the German wav sounds.

(from "Change of Command") (49 K)

• Klinger: "Colonel Potter, Sir! Corporal Klinger. I'm section 8, head to toe. I'm wearing a warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out."

(from "The Interview") (62 K)

• Hawkeye: "A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums."

M*A*S*H Bloopers

(from "Welcome to Korea") (50 K)

• Alan Alda has a little problem with his lines in a scene with Gary Burghoff

(from "Hey, Doc") (46 K)

• Loretta Swit adds her own sound effects

(from "Hey, Doc") (56 K)

• Alan Alda trips over his line and then we hear Gary Burghoff with someone in the background

(from "Old Soldiers") (59 K)

• After Morgan's initial line, the cast has some fun...

(from "Fade Out, Fade In") (50 K)

• Harry Morgan has a little problem with his lines in this scene with David Ogden Stiers

M*A*S*H Sounds

(from "Showtime") (198 K)

• Radar's drum solo

(from "Private Charles Lamb") (14 K)

• Henry: "Abyssinia."

(from "Movie Tonight") (103 K)

• Frank: "Hold it, soldier. Let me check that tray. You didn't finish your peas."
• Radar: "They're hard as a rock, sir, they hurt my tooth."
• Frank: "You're wasting food! Just look at that tray."
• Radar: "I can't, sir, it makes me woozy."
• Frank: "You didn't finish your meat.
• Radar: "The meat's all fat. It...oh, no, that's the potatoes."
• Frank: "Don't you realize there are people starving in Poland?"
• Radar: "Here, you can send them this."

(from "Love Story") (30 K)

• Radar: "Ahh...Bach."

(from "Adam's Rib") (68 K)

• Hawkeye: "I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!"

(from "Mail Call Three") (12 K)

• Radar: "Mail call."

(from "Commander Pierce") (52 K)

• Klinger: "Colonel, I missed you."
• Potter: "No."
• Klinger: "About my heart murmur, Sir..."
• Potter: "No."
• Klinger: "My double vision is coming back."
• Potter: "No."
• Klinger: "I've fallen in love with a goat."
• Potter: "No."
• Klinger: "Glad to have you back, Sir."

(from "Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde") (57 K)

• Henry: "Oh, and uh..Do we have enough sherry and ginger ale for the General?"
• Radar: "Oh, nobody does, Sir."
• Henry: "Well, fine then if nobody does, we don't have to, but make sure we do just in case we don't."

(from "The Incubator") (90 K)

• Hawkeye: "Radar, ya know I have the impression that we woke you about three thirty this morning."
• Radar: "No, it was ten of four."
• Trapper: "Did we say why?"
• Radar: "Ah...You said you wanted to sacrifice a virgin."
• Hawkeye: "Did we?"
• Radar: "I was too sleepy."

(from "The Yalu Brick Road") (36 K)

• Charles: "Colonel, what's wrong? You look awful."
• Potter: "I'm glad you noticed. I'd hate to feel this rotten and have it just be my little secret."

(from "O.R.") (37 K)

• Sidney: "Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice."

(from "Abyssinia, Henry") (144 K)

• Radar: "I have a message. Lt. Col. Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There weren't no survivors."

(from "Officer of the Day") (126 K)

• Hawkeye: "I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!"

(from "Fade Out, Fade In") (126 K)

• Charles: "But know this: You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill. But you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer."

Request Line

Everyone's got their favorite lines from M*A*S*H. Similar to my M*A*S*H Moments, I will take requests for sounds; just email me with a description of whatever quote you would like to hear (please try keep it a reasonable length...a few lines or so). Give me an idea of the scene including the episode title (or a storyline description). Indicate which lines of dialog to include in the quote. These sounds are great to customize your Windows interface. New sounds are posted on this page every month or so. Please note that because of my schedule, some requests may be delayed several weeks to a few months. Check back here for the clips.

(from "Cementing Relationships") (174 K) Requested by Justin J. New

• Fr. Mulcahy sings "Cement Mixer" (lyrics)

(from "Deal Me Out") (54 K) Requested by Tamara New

• Henry: "Radar, what's going on?"
• Radar: "It's a patient, sir, he blew his cork."
• Hawkeye: "Sidney, front and center."
• Sidney: "I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!"

(from "Requiem for a Lightweight") (26 K) Requested by Jeff B. New

• Margaret: "Just a minute, isn't that Frank's bag?"
• Trapper: "I thought you were Frank's bag."

(from "The Most Unforgettable Characters") (158 K) Requested by Jeff B. New

• Frank: "Seems we had this little sickly kid that lived on our block named Timmy. And he used to sit out on his porch in his wheel chair and wave at us while we walked by. Well one day, while he was waving, he lost control of his chair. And it rolled down the stairs, across the lawn, and crashed into my dad's car. *laughing* Boy was that funny!"
• B.J.: "That must've been awful!"
• Frank: "Nah, just scratched the paint a little."

(from "Movie Tonight") (174 K) Requested by booknut98 New

• Everybody in the O.R. sings "Clementine" (lyrics)

(from "Welcome to Korea") (22 K) Requested by Spex New

• Hawkeye: "I thought you used your mother's car."
• Radar: "I did but she always changed the tires."

(from "Hot Lips and Empty Arms") (49 K) Requested by Sarah

• Margaret: "Where are the casualties, sir?"
• Henry: "Now just hold your horses. They're not even here yet!"
• Margaret: "Well then let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive."

(from "The Pilot") (24 K) Requested by Pooja

• Hawkeye: "Oh sorry, baby."
• Margaret: "Major to you!"
• Hawkeye: "Right. Sorry, Major baby."

(from "A Smattering of Intelligence") (384 K) Requested by Gale

• Flagg: "Alright, Corporal, read back what you've got."
• Radar: "Uh, yes sir. To the Far East Export Import Company, 27 Zapata Circle, Ti-joo-ana, Mexico. "
• Flagg: "Right, go on."
• Radar: "Yes sir. Mary had a little lamb. Stop. My dog has fleas. Stop."
• Flagg: "Good, there's a bit more. Mairzy doats and dozey doats, and I'll be home for Christmas. Got that?"
• Radar: "Uh..in just a moment, sir. Uh, okay."
• Flagg: "Sign it: Your loving son, Queen Victoria."
• Hawkeye: "Really?"
• Radar: "You told me to keep you up on what he's doing."
• Hawkeye: "'Mary had a little lamb...'"
• Pratt: "He knows I'm here."
• Trapper: "How?"
• Pratt: "I'm Mary."
• Hawkeye: "I hate to tell you this, Mary, but your dog has fleas."

(from "Carry On, Hawkeye") (299 K) Requested by Kellie, Robyn

• Hawkeye: "You do me."
• Margaret: "Roll up your sleeve."
• Hawkeye: "Uh-uh."
• Margaret: "What do you mean 'uh-uh'?"
• Hawkeye: "I want mine in my tushie."
• Margaret: "Your what?"
• Hawkeye: "The derriere! The back of my front. The fleshy part. I can't take pain, I can only give it."
• Margaret: "Alright, lower your trousers."
• Hawkeye: "I thought you'd never ask."
• Margaret: "Only as far as you have to! Oh you're just loving this, aren't you?"
• Hawkeye: "Aren't you?"
• Margaret: "Let me get at your hip."
• Hawkeye: "Any time, darling."
• Radar: "Sir...excuse me, I'm sorry!"
• Hawkeye: *laughing* "Margaret, that was fantastic!"

(from "Bug Out") (461 K) Requested by Ryan, Mark, Robert

• Potter: "You people... Get the phone, Radar... You people have been panicking over a rumor which says that the 4077th is bugging out. That is Grade A 100 percent bull cookies! You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland and to our resident celebate, Father Mulcahy."
• Mulcahy: "Thank you, sir."
• Potter: "My pleasure. Now you take World War II - my unit got the word that Nazis dressed as Eskimos had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it and began hording canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. I've known Bink Hamilton for going on 30 years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton! 15 years old and can name 24 of the 48 States, already has an appointment to West Point. The General has assured me there is nothing to worry about. MASH 4077th is definitely..bugging out in 3 hours!....... Bug out!"

(from "Tuttle") (260 K) Requested by Brian

• Hawkeye: "I'm afraid you're not gonna like this, sir."
• Henry: "Well then keep it to yourself, Pierce. Tell us after we decorate Tuttle."
• Hawkeye: "There is no Tuttle."
• Clayton: "No Tuttle?"
• Henry: "No Tuttle?"
• Hawkeye: "Not anymore, sir. That's all that's left. "
• Henry: "Well how'd it happen?"
• Hawkeye: "Well you know Tuttle, no sacrifice too great. This morning while the rest of us were selfishly having a cup of coffee, he went off in a helicopter to do some field surgery. He jumped with his plasma, his bag, everything an Army doctor needs...except his parachute."

(from "Goodbye, Cruel World") (116 K) Requested by Daniel

• Klinger: "Sheman....T.....Potter. Sheman..T...Potter. Perfecto! Could fool his own mother!"

(from "Hawkeye Get Your Gun") (91 K) Requested by Danielle

• Potter: "Fire that weapon!"
• Hawkeye: "Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!"
• Potter: "I said fire that weapon!"
• Hawkeye: "Alright. You're fired. I did it as gently as I could."
• Potter: "That was an order, Pierce."
• Hawkeye: "Oh waiter, would you take this man's order please?"

(from "Deal Me Out") (219 K) Requested by Gale

• Frank: "Oh, I see the conference is in full swing."
• Sidney: "Hi, Frank. What's new up on the Mount?"
• Pak: "Read any good Commandments lately?"
• Frank: "It's against regulations to gamble with an enlisted man!"
• Hawkeye: "You never enlisted, did ya, Klinger?"
• Klinger: "When they came for me, I ran like a thief right into Grand Central Station. They trapped me in a pay toilet."
• Trapper: "Beautiful."
• Klinger: "Cost them four dollars in nickels to get me out."
• Hawkeye: "I love a volunteer."
• Klinger: "You know, during the physical they jabbed me with a coat hanger to get me to cough!"

(from "Hot Lips and Empty Arms") (62 K) Requested by Gail

• Margaret: "Corporal, I wonder if I can see Col. Blake."
• Radar: "I wonder if you can too."

(from "For Want of a Boot") (57 K) Requested by Jeff

• Radar: "I don't have time. The medical journal says a man's best years are between 19 and 25. Right now I'm at my peak physically."
• Hawkeye: "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that."

(from "Movie Tonight") (336 K) Requested by Terri

• Hawkeye: "And now for the moment no one has been waiting for, the Father Mulcahy sound-a-like contest! My word to Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly. You try it."
• Klinger: "Me? Oh, how can you make jokes at a time like this? Oh."
• Frank: "Uh, the Post-op is collapsing and the O.R.'s on fire."
• Margaret: "And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine."
• Radar: "Oh, uh, sorry, Father. It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He was the most remarkable shade of yellow."
• Potter: "Jocularity! Jocularity!"

(from "For the Good of the Outfit") (18 K) Requested by Gary

• Frank: "Pigpen! Brothel!"
• Hawkeye: "Here, Sir!"
• Trapper: "Yo!"

(from "The Nurses") (156 K) Requested by Mark

• Margaret: "Did you ever show me any kind of friendship? Ask my help with a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine what it feels like to...to walk by this tent and hear you laughing and know I'm not welcome? Did you ever once ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?"

(from "Dear Dad...Three") (51 K) Requested by Richard

• Hawkeye: "*So don't forget, folks, that's what you get, folks, for making whoopee.*"

(from "Springtime") (116 K) Requested by Richard

• Radar: "What's the diff... For all she knows I'm dead."
• Trapper: "Why don't you prove to her you're alive?"
• Hawkeye: "Breathe in her face."
• Radar: "I can't because I'm ignoring her all the time!"
• Hawkeye: "Why?"
• Radar: "Because she's ignoring me!"
• Hawkeye: "Ah, but you ignored her first."
• Radar: "Yeah that's because I'm tryin to beat her to the ignore."

(from "Springtime") (75 K) Requested by anonymous

• Frank: "Now, I'm gonna count to 5 and I want you to hand over that unauthorized cat. 1, 2, 3, 4..."
• Hawkeye: "Showing off for the patients again, Frank?"

(from "Abyssinia, Henry") (16 K) Requested by Pieter

• Henry: "You behave yourself or I'm gonna come back and kick your butt."

(from "George") (379 K) Requested by Jamie

• Trapper singing "I've Got You Under My Skin"

(from "Yankee Doodle Doctor") (18 K) Requested by Ryan

• Frank: "Oh you...you..."
• Hawkeye: "Who you calling a 'you-you'?"

(from "Mail Call") (334 K) Requested by Bryan

• Henry: "Uh-huh...Here we go. 'Father dying', right?"
• Klinger: "Yes, sir."
• Henry: "'Father dying' last year. 'Mother dying' last year. 'Mother and father dying'. 'Mother, father, and older sister dying'. 'Mother dying and older sister pregnant'. 'Older sister dying and mother pregnant'. 'Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying'. Here's an oldie but a goodie...'Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.' Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?"
• Klinger: "Yes, sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army."

(from "Comrades in Arms") (49 K) Requested by George

• Hawkeye: "Peas, peas, peas, peas, eating Goober's peas. Goodness how delicious! Eating..."
• Margaret: "Will you stop that?!"

(from "Deal Me Out") (31 K) Requested by Beccah, Greg

• Halloran: "Hey...up close you're a guy."
• Klinger: "Far away too."

(from "Chief Surgeon Who?") (65 K) Requested by Kristie

• General Barker: "Doesn't Colonel Blake mind you smoking his cigars and drinking his brandy?"
• Radar: "Yes sir, very much."
• General Barker: "Then why are you doing it?"
• Radar: "Well I don't mind and I figured as long as one of us is reasonable...I..just a little..joke."

(from "Stars and Stripe") (187 K) Requested by Ashley

• Hawkeye: "Maybe you and I are just too choosey. We're both waiting for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world."
• Margaret: "Sounds like a long wait."
• Hawkeye: "Well I have just the thing to pass the time. You ever play double solitaire Scrabble?"
• Margaret: "Double solitaire?"
• Hawkeye: "Yeah. You make whatever you can out of what you got and I make whatever I can out of what I got. And we don't score off each other. And if you need any extra letters like a 'y' for 'sympathy', you can borrow one of mine."
• Margaret: "How many points do I get if I find L-O-V-E?"
• Hawkeye: "You win the game."

(from "Chief Surgeon Who?") (57 K) Requested by Kristie

• General Barker: "What are you doing, Corporal?"
• Radar: "Doing, sir?"
• General Barker: "D-O-I-N-G. What are you doing?"
• Radar: "Listening to you spell doing, sir."

(from "The General Flipped at Dawn") (166 K) Requested by Victor

• Gen. Steele singing "Mississippi Mud" (lyrics)

(from "Check-Up") (149 K) Requested by KiKi and Shellie

• Margaret: "I've been waiting a long time to tell you something, Captain Trapper JohnIntyre."
• Trapper: "Really, Margaret?"
• Margaret: "I always watch you. You wouldn't know that. And every time you look when I'm looking I watch something else so that you can't see that I've been looking when you're watching."
• Trapper: "I see."
• Margaret: "Especially when you play football in your bathing trunks. And now you're leaving. And I'm stuck with needle nose."

(from "The Most Unforgettable Characters") (18 K) Requested by Phil

• Frank: "Perfectly good birthday shot to hell!"

(from "Aid Station") (30 K) Requested by Michael C.

• Trapper: "And remember, Hawkeye would be very upset if you had an accident in there."
• Radar: "Oh yes, sir."

(from "Margaret's Marriage") (63 K) Requested by JLixO

• Radar: "Colonel Potter!"
• Potter: "R-Radar?"
• Radar: "Your permission to go out and get sick?"
• Potter: "G-g-g-granted. Give him a hand."
• *clapping*

(from "Margaret's Marriage") (49 K) Requested by JLixO

• Potter: "Radar, get up, you'll get..you'll get dirt...dirt in your nose."
• Radar: "I know but why are these tents doing in our yard, Uncle Ed?"
• Potter: "I'm not your Uncle Ed."

(from "Last Laugh") (150 K) Requested by JLixO

• Potter: "You know I like a Major with hot lips and I'll tell ya why."
• Hawkeye: "Why?"
• Potter: "Exactly."
• Potter: "Did I fall down?"
• B.J.: "No."
• Potter: "I didn't think so."

(from "George") (150 K) Requested by Jeff

• Frank: "What's eating him?"
• Trapper: "He's p'oed because I happen to agree with you about Weston."
• Mulcahy: "You didn't this morning."
• Trapper: "Intelligence allows for a change. I definitely think you should send in that report."
• Hawkeye: "You guys are a pain! You go together like salt and peter!"
• Trapper: "Let him rave."
• Frank: "You know, Trap, I've always felt you and I had the basis for a friendship, Trap."
• Hawkeye: "As my last official favor, I'm going to wait until I get outside before I throw up."

(from "Aid Station") (140 K) Requested by Claudia

• Hawkeye, Margaret, and Klinger sing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along" (sorta) (lyrics)

(from "Bombed") (187 K) Requested by Sue

• Mulcahy: "Sis and I picked up these apples from under the tree. I remember I said, 'You can't make a pie out of crabapples.' And she said, 'I learned how in the Girl Scouts.'
• Hawkeye: "He'll be alright. He's just a little dazed."
• Mulcahy: "She used brown sugar and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well it was so good we ate it all before dinner. "
• Hawkeye: "Get him back to his tent, let him rest."
• Mulcahy: "Mommy came into the kitchen and said, 'What the hell's going on in here?' [To Klinger] I remember, Mommy. You know that was the first time I ever heard you swear."

(from "Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde") (280 K) Requested by Krista, Hounddog

• Hawkeye: "*I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me.* You know that song?"
• Radar: "Uh..no, I guess that was just a little before my time."
• Hawkeye: "I remember lying on the rug listening to them sing that on the radio. Can still smell the rug...*Please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree.*"

(from "Crisis") (76 K) Requested by Jace

• Frank: "There you go! There's your lounge lizard at war."
• Trapper: "That one I gotta write down."

(from "War of Nerves") (76 K) Requested by Brett

• Sidney: "You're a tribute to man's endurance, a monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out some day. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you."

(from "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen") (121 K) Requested by CSR

• Klinger: "Why don't you just tell him this is a hospital? As long as that tank is here, we're a target."
• Potter: "Boy, you must think I am the biggest dunce since the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole! Don't you think that's what I told him?! I can take care of my job! You go act like a sergeant, unless you want to try something lower!"

(from "The Pilot") (285 K) Requested by TJ

• "My Blue Heaven" from the extended opening scene of the pilot episode (lyrics)

(from "The Longjohn Flap") (134 K) Requested by Danielle

• Hawkeye sings "In The Cool, Cool, Cool of the Evening" (lyrics)

(from "The Joker is Wild") (96 K) Requested by anonymous

• Hawkeye sings "You're the Top" (lyrics)

(from "The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan") (175 K) Requested by Joe, Jason

• Flagg: "You were insanely jealous of her engagement. You were furious at being rejected! You were capable of murder."
• Hawkeye: "That's right! So you hit over the head with a blunt instrument."
• B.J.: "A saxophone."
• Hawkeye: "Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray."
• B.J.: "Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny."
• Hawkeye: "The rest is obvious. You stuck her in a trunk, you mailed her to Las Vegas, and now she's doing two shows a night at the Sands."
• B.J.: "Three on Saturdays."
• Flagg: "There's only one flaw with that theory."
• Hawkeye: "Only one?"
• Flagg: "They don't do three shows Saturday night at the Sands."
• Hawkeye: "How do you know?"
• Flagg: "I was a showgirl for six weeks."

(from "Sometimes You Hear the Bullet") (217 K) Requested by Barrie

• Hawkeye: "I mean I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my friend and I watched him die and now I'm crying. I've watched guys die almost every day. Why didn't I ever cry for them?"
• Henry: "Because you're a doctor."
• Hawkeye: "What the hell does that mean?"
• Henry: "I don't know. If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one"

(from "Alcoholics Unanimous") (176 K) Requested by Chicken

• Hawkeye: "You take 11 string beans, 1 onion, half a radish and 4 bananas."
• Trapper: "Ya mix it all up and you...uh..and you let it soak for 6 weeks."
• Hawkeye: "Days."
• Trapper: "Days."
• Margaret: "You better write this down."
• Hawkeye: "Then you look around, you find the tallest tree and you hang the stuff in an enema bag and you let it lay there for 18 weeks."
• Trapper: "Days."
• Hawkeye: "Days."

(from "Mad Dogs and Servicemen") (14 K) Requested by Chicken

• Frank: "Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head."

(from "Divided We Stand") (108 K) Requested by Lance

• Radar: "Uh, sir...."
• Henry: "What the hell?"
• Radar: "I'm sorry. Everything's taken care of, the fix is in. Everybody's agreed to behave themselves in front of Captain Hildebrand and to make the place look real GI."
• Henry: "Very very good."
• (Henry and Radar simultaneously discuss details)

(from "Divided We Stand") (85 K) Requested by Lance

• Radar: "Trapper....Trapper....Trapp..."
• Trapper: *gasp as he wakes up*
• Radar: *gasp as Trapper grabs him*
• Hawkeye: *laughs*

(from "Divided We Stand") (86 K) Requested by Lance

• Henry: "Captain Hildebrand is gonna to spend a day."
• Hildebrand: "Or two."
• Henry: "...or two...gonna spend some time with us before he leaves."
• Radar: "Yes, sir."
• Henry: "So would you please assign him to the VD Tent. I mean the VID Tent..."
• Radar: "Follow me, sir."
• Henry: "...the PIV Tent..the.."

(from "Death Takes a Holiday") (176 K) Requested by Alan R

• Potter: "Ho ho hold it right there. Well well well, Santa happens to know you've been very good boys and girls today, and because of that we've got a special present for ya. Elf..."
• Korean Boy: "Fudge."
• Potter: "All the way from Mill Valley, California. Last four pieces. Merry Christmas."
• B.J.: "Merry Christmas."

(from "Death Takes a Holiday") (330 K) Requested by Alan R

• Charles: "Deny it! Deny it if you can. You took the Christmas candy I gave you and you sold it on the black market. Have you no shame?!"
• Mr. Ho: "May I explain?"
• Charles: "No! What you may do is retrieve that candy immediately and have it in the children's stockings by morning otherwise they're going to find you hanging by the chimney without care!"
• Mr. Ho: "Major, I cannot. The money is gone."
• Charles: "You...parasite!"
• Mr. Ho: "Please, your generous gift and insistance that it remain anonymous touched me deeply. The candy would've brought great joy to the children for a few moments. But on the black market it was worth enough rice and cabbage to feed them for a month."
• Charles: "Rice and cabbage?"
• Mr. Ho: "I know, I have failed to carry out your family tradition, and I am very sorry."
• Charles: "On the contrary, it is I who should be sorry. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who has had no meal."

(from "Henry in Love") (188 K) Requested by EC

• Frank: "It's nice to be nice to the nice."
• Margaret: "She's darling, Henry. Looks a little like your oldest daughter, doesn't she, Frank? He has three."
• Frank: "Uh, they're all back in the States."
• Henry: "Well, goombye, people. We're going to wet our whistle."
• Nancy: "Glad to have met you."
• Margaret: "'Nice to be nice to the nice'?"
• Frank: "Just making conversation."
• Margaret: "Try doing it with your mouth shut."

(from "Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen") (217 K) Requested by anonymous, Megan Bradshaw

• Mozart's Quintet for Clarinet and Strings (K. 581) played by the Chinese musicians

(from "Dear Dad...Again") (346 K) Requested by Loretta, Paul

• "My Blue Heaven" (lyrics)

(from "Hot Lips and Empty Arms") (28 K) Requested by Daisy

• Henry: "Major, dear, you're drunk."
• Margaret: "Oh I'm not so think as you drunk I am."