All sounds are in .wav format. I'll add or change a few sounds every
few weeks. Please note it takes a while for larger files such as the theme song to
download. If you are running Windows 95 or later and are unable to play the sounds, check if you have
audio compression installed. Go to the "settings" on the start menu, then "control panel" and
"add/remove programs." On the "Windows Setup" tab, double click on "multimedia"; make sure
"audio compression" has a check next to it.
"Suicide Is Painless" by J. Mandel (from opening of show), lyrics
Please note: If you're having problems playing the whole song, try right-clicking on the link above
and choose "Save as" on the menu. Save it somewhere on your hard drive and try playing it after you've
finished saving it.
In many countries where English is not the primary language, M*A*S*H is dubbed over
with dialogue in the primary language. Below are clips of M*A*S*H quotes in German. Thanks
to Fritz for the German wav sounds.
Klinger: "Colonel Potter, Sir!
Corporal Klinger. I'm section 8, head to toe. I'm wearing a warner bra. I play with dolls.
My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out."
Hawkeye: "A war is like when it rains
in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together.
Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the
other side of the street and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the
people who are over here who are chums."
Hawkeye: "I've eaten a river of liver
and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills!
I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon
and onions!"
Hawkeye: "I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your
books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old
Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!"
Charles: "But know this: You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill. But you cannot
break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer."
Request Line
Everyone's got their favorite lines from M*A*S*H. Similar
to my M*A*S*H Moments, I will take requests for sounds; just email me with a description of whatever quote you would
like to hear (please try keep it a reasonable length...a few lines or so). Give me an idea of the
scene including the episode title (or a storyline description). Indicate which lines of
dialog to include in the quote. These sounds are great to customize your Windows
interface. New sounds are posted on this page every month or so. Please note that because of my schedule,
some requests may be delayed several weeks to a few months. Check back here for the clips.
Frank: "Seems we had this little sickly kid that lived on our block named Timmy.
And he used to sit out on his porch in his wheel chair and wave at us while we walked by. Well one day,
while he was waving, he lost control of his chair. And it rolled down the stairs, across the lawn,
and crashed into my dad's car. *laughing* Boy was that funny!"
Potter: "You people... Get the phone, Radar... You people have been
panicking over a rumor which says that the 4077th is bugging out. That is Grade A 100 percent bull cookies!
You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My
apologies to those among us of the feminine gland and to our resident celebate, Father Mulcahy."
Mulcahy: "Thank you, sir."
Potter: "My pleasure. Now you take World War II - my unit got the word
that Nazis dressed as Eskimos had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it and
began hording canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters.
I've known Bink Hamilton for going on 30 years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter
Hamilton! 15 years old and can name 24 of the 48 States, already has an appointment to West Point.
The General has assured me there is nothing to worry about. MASH 4077th is definitely..bugging out in
3 hours!....... Bug out!"
Hawkeye: "I'm afraid you're not gonna like this, sir."
Henry: "Well then keep it to yourself, Pierce. Tell us after we decorate Tuttle."
Hawkeye: "There is no Tuttle."
Clayton: "No Tuttle?"
Henry: "No Tuttle?"
Hawkeye: "Not anymore, sir. That's all that's left. "
Henry: "Well how'd it happen?"
Hawkeye: "Well you know Tuttle, no sacrifice too great. This morning while the rest of us were
selfishly having a cup of coffee, he went off in a helicopter to do some field surgery. He jumped with his plasma, his bag,
everything an Army doctor needs...except his parachute."
Hawkeye: "And now for the moment no one has been waiting for, the Father Mulcahy sound-a-like contest!
My word to Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly. You try it."
Klinger: "Me? Oh, how can you make jokes at a time like this? Oh."
Frank: "Uh, the Post-op is collapsing and the O.R.'s on fire."
Margaret: "And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine."
Radar: "Oh, uh, sorry, Father. It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of
hepatitis. He was the most remarkable shade of yellow."
Margaret: "Did you ever show me any kind of friendship? Ask my help with a personal problem?
Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine what it feels like to...to walk by this tent and hear you laughing
and know I'm not welcome? Did you ever once ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?"
Henry: "Uh-huh...Here we go. 'Father dying', right?"
Klinger: "Yes, sir."
Henry: "'Father dying' last year. 'Mother dying' last year. 'Mother and father dying'.
'Mother, father, and older sister dying'. 'Mother dying and older sister pregnant'. 'Older sister dying and mother pregnant'.
'Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying'. Here's an oldie but a goodie...'Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.'
Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?"
Klinger: "Yes, sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army."
Hawkeye: "Maybe you and I are just too choosey. We're both waiting for a custom fit
in an off-the-rack world."
Margaret: "Sounds like a long wait."
Hawkeye: "Well I have just the thing to pass the time. You ever play double solitaire
Scrabble?"
Margaret: "Double solitaire?"
Hawkeye: "Yeah. You make whatever you can out of what you got and I make whatever I can
out of what I got. And we don't score off each other. And if you need any extra letters like a 'y' for 'sympathy', you can
borrow one of mine."
Margaret: "How many points do I get if I find L-O-V-E?"
Margaret: "I've been waiting a long time to tell you something, Captain Trapper JohnIntyre."
Trapper: "Really, Margaret?"
Margaret: "I always watch you. You wouldn't know that. And every time you look when I'm looking
I watch something else so that you can't see that I've been looking when you're watching."
Trapper: "I see."
Margaret: "Especially when you play football in your bathing trunks. And now you're leaving.
And I'm stuck with needle nose."
Mulcahy: "Sis and I picked up these apples from under the tree. I remember I said,
'You can't make a pie out of crabapples.' And she said, 'I learned how in the Girl Scouts.'
Hawkeye: "He'll be alright. He's just a little dazed."
Mulcahy: "She used brown sugar and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well it was so
good we ate it all before dinner. "
Hawkeye: "Get him back to his tent, let him rest."
Mulcahy: "Mommy came into the kitchen and said, 'What the hell's going on in here?'
[To Klinger] I remember, Mommy. You know that was the first time I ever heard you swear."
Hawkeye: "*I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me.* You know that song?"
Radar: "Uh..no, I guess that was just a little before my time."
Hawkeye: "I remember lying on the rug listening to them sing that on the radio.
Can still smell the rug...*Please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree.*"
Sidney: "You're a tribute to man's endurance, a monument to hope in size
12 pumps. I hope you do get out some day. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you."
Klinger: "Why don't you just tell him this is a hospital? As long as that tank is here,
we're a target."
Potter: "Boy, you must think I am the biggest dunce since the monkey wrapped his tail
around the flagpole! Don't you think that's what I told him?! I can take care of my job! You go act like a sergeant,
unless you want to try something lower!"
Hawkeye: "I mean I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my friend and I watched him die and now I'm crying.
I've watched guys die almost every day. Why didn't I ever cry for them?"
Henry: "Because you're a doctor."
Hawkeye: "What the hell does that mean?"
Henry: "I don't know. If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like
the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number
one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one"
Radar: "I'm sorry. Everything's taken care of, the fix is in. Everybody's agreed to
behave themselves in front of Captain Hildebrand and to make the place look real GI."
Potter: "Ho ho hold it right there. Well well well, Santa happens to know you've been
very good boys and girls today, and because of that we've got a special present for ya. Elf..."
Korean Boy: "Fudge."
Potter: "All the way from Mill Valley, California. Last four pieces. Merry Christmas."
Charles: "Deny it! Deny it if you can. You took the Christmas candy I gave you and you sold
it on the black market. Have you no shame?!"
Mr. Ho: "May I explain?"
Charles: "No! What you may do is retrieve that candy immediately and have it in the
children's stockings by morning otherwise they're going to find you hanging by the chimney without care!"
Mr. Ho: "Major, I cannot. The money is gone."
Charles: "You...parasite!"
Mr. Ho: "Please, your generous gift and insistance that it remain anonymous touched me deeply.
The candy would've brought great joy to the children for a few moments. But on the black market it was worth enough rice and
cabbage to feed them for a month."
Charles: "Rice and cabbage?"
Mr. Ho: "I know, I have failed to carry out your family tradition, and I am very sorry."
Charles: "On the contrary, it is I who should be sorry. It is sadly inappropriate to give
dessert to a child who has had no meal."
German Sounds 