6

CUT TO:

INT. POST OP – 5:27PM

Hawkeye and Adrienne continue to sit by the patient's bed. Father Mulcahy hurries in.

MULCAHY
Sorry I took so long. I couldn't find my Bible.

ADRIENNE
Shouldn't you know that by heart?

MULCAHY
Only up to Proverbs.

Hawkeye and Adrienne laugh.

HAWKEYE
Well, the Father's a comedian!

MULCAHY
It's just a hobby. (motions to the patient) How is he?

ADRIENNE
Not good. We need you to weave some of your magic, Father.

MULCAHY
I'll do my best.

Mulcahy takes the patient's hand in his. Adrienne puts her hand on his forehead.

ADRIENNE
I'll go get a cold compress.

HAWKEYE
Get me a sandwich would ya?

ADRIENNE
Get it yourself.

She gets up and walks away.

HAWKEYE
How's everything with you, Father?

MULCAHY
Not bad. Yourself?

HAWKEYE
I've been better.

Adrienne comes back. She places a cloth on the patient's forehead.

MULCAHY
How are you, Adrienne?

ADRIENNE
Fine. Thinking of taking up a new language, actually.

HAWKEYE
Korean?

ADRIENNE
I already know Korean. I learnt it before I came here.

HAWKEYE
Really? What one are you planning to learn now?

ADRIENNE
Not sure. Maybe Japanese for when I go on R & R...

HAWKEYE
Maybe you could teach me Korean.

ADRIENNE
Sure. It only took me a month so I imagine it should take you a couple of years.

HAWKEYE
Oh, very funny.

ADRIENNE
I thought so.

The patient groans but doesn't wake up. Hawkeye, Adrienne and Father Mulcahy stare at him, waiting for something to happen. The patient remains unconscious.

HAWKEYE
Damn.

CUT TO:

INT. HENRY'S OFFICE – 5:30PM

Henry is sitting at his desk, reading a copy of “The Army Commander's Guide to Sex and Reproduction”. He puts the book down and writes something on a piece of paper. He picks another book up, “The Army Commander's Guide to Lectures and Speeches”, and reads some more. He stands and clears his throat.

HENRY
This month's lecture is about sex and reproduction. (he looks at the Guide to Lectures and Speeches. Reading:) Be clear, calm and assertive. Make your point easily and don't let your nervousness show. If you feel nervous, try opening with a joke.

He takes a deep breath and puts the book down. He takes the piece of paper and begins reading.

HENRY
(unusually confident)
This month's lecture is about sex and reproduction. If any of you nurses are unsure of how reproduction works, I'd be more than happy to demonstrate!

He begins chuckling. It quickly dies out as he realises how distasteful that was. His confidence goes out the window. He grabs a pen and scratches that off the paper. He thinks for a moment and writes something else down.

HENRY
(nervously)
This month's lecture is about sex and reproduction. (takes a quick glance at the paper) Sex is one of life's most natural occurrences. Much like going to—

He cuts himself off, realising that's worse. He scratches that off the paper, too.

HENRY
Forget the joke.

He writes something else down. Seemingly satisfied, he starts again.

HENRY
(semi-confident)
This month's lecture is about sex and reproduction. Sex is one of life's most natural occurrences, as you all know. (improvising) There isn't much I can tell that you don't already know, but since I'm required to give this lecture, I'll try my best.

Henry smiles to himself and quickly writes that bit down. He continues.

HENRY
(the confidence is coming back)
Since we're all here, miles from home, sex is very important. We use it to vent our frustrations or to let loose on a Saturday night.

He grins. He is extremely proud of himself. He writes that part down too.

HENRY
Sex is also very important in the grander scheme of things. Without it none of us would exist. Which brings us to the reproduction part.

He pauses to write that down.

HENRY
Reproduction... uh... (clears his throat) reproduction... um... is, uh...

The roll he was on is now gone, never to return. He sits down and buries his face in his hands.

CUT TO:

INT. RADAR'S OFFICE – 5:34PM

Radar has a stethoscope to the wall, eavesdropping on Henry. Frank comes in and stands next to Radar. He doesn't notice Frank standing there.

FRANK
Corporal, I want to talk to Colonel Blake.

Radar jumps. He tries to take the stethoscope off but ends up wrapping it around his neck. He struggles a bit longer and finally get it off.

RADAR
Colonel Blake is busy right now, Sir.

FRANK
This is important, Corporal! And stand up when you're addressing an officer!

Radar quickly stands and salutes. The stethoscope is wrapped around his hand and he hits himself in the face with the end of it. He shakes it off and salutes properly.

FRANK
That's better! When he's not busy tell Colonel Blake I want to see him.

RADAR
Yes Sir.

Frank leaves. Radar picks the stethoscope up and goes back to eavesdropping on Henry.