by Mark Harman
(Suicide is Painless start credits)
Radar- Hawkeye, I got mail for you.
Hawkeye- Tell me Radar, but make it quick I'm resecting what's left of this guys bowel.
Radar- Eer, ok you're getting transferred to a newly formed M*A*S*H, the 6075th unit it's right up near the front. I'm sorry Hawkeye.
Hawkeye- (Worried) Did you hear that Beej?
BJ- Yep, what do you think?
Hawkeye- I think it stinks, firstly I'm moving nearer the front, why couldn't I be shipped stateside? Secondly, I've been here for years why move me now and thirdly and most importantly, you're my best friend, what am I gonna do without you.
Frank- Hah, and if they're going to send you nearer the front that makes me chief surgeon.
Hawkeye- Zip it Frank.
BJ- Maybe we should talk to Colonel Potter, get him to reverse the orders.
(Colonel Potter's office)
(Potter is sitting holding Hawkeye's transfer papers, Hawkeye and BJ are standing in front of his desk.)
Potter- I'm sorry Hawkeye, they're forming a new unit, General Torgasen obviously wants the best at the new unit.
Hawkeye- I can see that Colonel. but I don't want to go. I want to stay here with my friends, and I don't want to go risking my butt nearer to the front.
BJ- Isn't there anything you can do Colonel?
Potter- I'll see what I can do.
Radar- Yes, sir I've put a call through to I-Corps they're getting you General Torgasen. (with Potter)
Potter- Radar! Get me General Torgasen on the line pronto.
Hawkeye- Thanks Radar.
Potter- (On the phone) General, my chief surgeon has just received his orders to be shipped out (pause) I see. (pause) He's been here a hell of a long time General, he's my best surgeon, you can't just go poaching him for some new outfit. (pause) Ok General. (He hangs up the phone and looks at Hawkeye and BJ) You know what they say, if you've got a problem take it to the top and you'll get a sharp kick in the fanny.
Hawkeye- What did he say?
Potter- He said that they want the best for the new unit, and he's not changing his mind. You know he even had the nerve to ask if Margaret would take up the head nurse post for the unit as well. But they got the head nurse of the 8063rd and their head surgeon, the rest are from stateside and other M*A*S*H units.
BJ- What? They're poaching the best from existing units?
Potter- I know, I could have been left with BJ and Frank. Our 95% success rate would drop to about 10% if General Torgasen had his way. No offence BJ, but with 2 surgeons and Frank we couldn't handle the amount of casualties, especially with no head nurse either!
Hawkeye- I better pack my bags then.
Potter- I'm so sorry Hawkeye.
Radar- Erm, do you need any help?
(Hawkeye is throwing clothes into his duffle bag, Radar is sitting in Hawk's chair looking sombre Frank is sitting at his desk writing a letter and BJ is pouring drinks from the still)
Radar- I'm so sorry Hawkeye, I just don't know what to say.
Hawkeye- I know Radar.
Frank- Will you ninnies shut up I'm trying to write to my wife.
BJ- Quiet Frank.
Frank- Oh, just because hot shot doctor is getting transferred I'm not allowed to voice my opinion.
BJ- What opinion?
Hawkeye- Exactly. Last time Frank voiced his opinion he.
Margaret- Captain, I've just heard of your transfer, it will be a great loss to the 4077th.
Hawkeye- How about I meet you in your tent in 5 minutes for a goodbye physical?
Margaret- You are forgetting Hawkeye that I am engaged to be married, Donald Penobscott.
BJ- Lieutenant Colonel.
Margaret- Lieutenant Colonel.
Hawkeye- I'm sorry Margaret, thank you.
(Hawkeye and Margaret hug)
Margaret- Goodbye Captain.
Hawkeye- (shouts) 10 minutes, in the supply tent?
BJ- When do you have to leave Hawk?
Hawk- In the next hour by jeep.
BJ- I'll write to you Hawk, and when we get leave we'll meet in Seoul.
Radar- That goes for me too Hawk.
(Hawkeye puts his bags into the jeep)
(He turns round and sees the main characters lined up to say goodbye)
Potter- I'm gonna miss you Hawkeye, firstly as a surgeon and mostly as a person.
Hawkeye- Thanks Colonel. (Potter goes to shake Hawk's hand but Hawkeye hugs him)
Klinger (Wearing a pink dress with daisies on it) I wore this for you sir.
Hawkeye- Thanks Klinger. (They exchange handshakes)
Margaret- Goodbye Hawk.
Hawkeye- Goodbye Margaret. (They share a passionate kiss, Margaret slaps him and walks away) (muttering) If Donald saw you.
Radar- (Crying) I'm gonna miss you sir.
Hawkeye- Me too Radar. (They hug and Hawkeye kisses Radar on both cheeks)
BJ- I'm no good at goodbyes. If I don't see you we'll meet up in the states, you know where to find me.
Hawkeye- Thanks Beej. (They hug)
Frank- (Holding out his hand) So long Pierce.
Hawkeye- I'm sorry Frank. A handshake won't do it (Hawkeye bends down and pulls down Franks trousers, he then stands up and salutes Frank and smiles)
(Hawkeye gets on the jeep, looks at Colonel Potter and salutes him, Potter returns the salute, the jeep drives off, the camera shows Radar and BJ standing together looking sad. Radar suddenly becomes alert.)
Radar- Choppers, lots of 'em.
Potter- Ok people, lets move.
BJ- You know we could really do with Hawkeye now there's a line out there a mile long. We're never gonna finish them.
Potter- I've got Radar on the line to I-Corps trying to find a replacement surgeon.
BJ- Clamp (to nurse Kelleye)
Nurse Kelleye- Clamp.
BJ- Last time we tried that we got a veterinarian from Tokyo.
Potter- Suction, I know, I just hope we have better luck, Klinger told me that we're expecting a second wave within the next 6 hours.
BJ- Second wave?
Potter- The chinese are retaliating, they're pushing through, if they succeed we may need to bug out.
BJ- I hope Hawkeye'll be ok.
Potter- So do I.
(Father Mulcahy enters)
Father Mulcahy- Colonel I think you might want to see this.
Potter- What is it Father?
Father Mulcahy- It's Hawkeye, he's wounded.
Potter- Nurse, close for me. BJ, Hawkeye's wounded, he's back here.
BJ- What? Kelleye, close for me.
(Potter and BJ run from the room)
Klinger- Hawkeye's on the bus sirs.
Potter- Thanks Klinger.
(Potter and BJ climb onto the but and walk to the back where Hawkeye is lying unconscious)
BJ- Jesus, Hawk.
(The camera shows Hawkeye's face, dust covered and bloody)
BJ- Klinger get him into O.R. stat.
Klinger- Aye aye Captain. (Salutes BJ)
(BJ is standing over Hawkeye. With Nurse Kelleye)
BJ- He looks bad Colonel.
Potter- Radar tells me they got overrun by chinese. It's a miracle Hawkeye got this far.
Father Mulcahy- Thank the lord.
BJ- His liver is ripped to shreds, still that's more than I can say for his ileum.
Potter- He'd want you operating on him.
BJ- I just hope I can pull him through.
Potter- If any one can you can BJ.
(The camera shows the clock in the O.R., it shows 16:00. after a blackout it shows 3:00)
Frank- 4-0 silk.
BJ- We're losing him. (BJ immediately jumps onto Hawkeye's body and starts thumping his chest)
Nurse Kelleye- No pulse.
BJ- (Thumping Hawkeye's chest) C'mon Hawk. Don't give in. Don't let him win.
Nurse Kelleye- I got a pulse, it's irregular, but it's there.
BJ- (Massaging Hawk's chest) C'mon Hawk. C'mon.
Nurse Kelleye- Pulse, normal, well done doctor.
BJ- Thank you Kelleye.
Radar- Is he gonna be ok?
BJ- He's gonna be just fine now. Thanks Radar.
(BJ is sitting next to Hawkeye's bed with Radar. Hawkeye is asleep)
(Colonel Potter enters)
Potter- You did a bang up job BJ. Hawkeye would have been proud of that.
BJ- Thanks sir.
Radar- When do you think he'll wake up BJ?
BJ- When he's ready I expect.
(Hawkeye starts spluttering)
Radar- BJ, help him!
(BJ bends towards Hawkeye)
Hawkeye- Beej is that you?
Radar- Oh thank God.
Hawkeye- Where am I?
BJ- You're back home. It's me BJ, Radar and the Colonel are here too.
Hawkeye- Oh thank God. How did I get here?
BJ- You came in really badly injured, I slumped over your body for 11 hours stitching you back up and removing a ton of shrapnel from your guts.
Hawkeye- Thank God. Thank you BJ.
BJ- What happened out there Hawkeye?
Hawkeye-(Straining to talk) I got there and I was called to O.R.. (pause) We had heavy casualties, huge number waiting. (pause) We started getting shelled, pretty heavily. The C/O wanted to bug out. (pause) We couldn't not with that many casualties. We got rid of as many personnel as we could but the shelling wouldn't stop. (pause) That's when the O.R. got hit. There was a huge explosion. Everything went up. Flames everywhere. I blacked out. Then I was here.
Potter- you're gonna be ok now son. You'll be laid down for about a month. General Torgasen wanted you to be sent to Tokyo General Hospital for observation but I told him to shove is Tokyo General up his kaboose. We're not losing you again. You can lay up here until you're ready to get back on your feet.
Hawkeye- Thank you Colonel.
Potter- Don't mention it, it's great to have you back Hawk. We won't be losing you to another unit again.
Hawkeye- (To BJ and Radar) Did anyone else get out of the 6075th?
Radar- The ones who bugged out turned up at a South Korean aid station near here. And those who stayed either died in the shelling or came in the bus you came in. The 6075th C/O is already on his way to Tokyo and some of their nurses and doctors are laid up in here.
Hawkeye- Thank God.
(Colonel Potter's office)
(Potter is sitting at his desk Radar wheels Hawkeye in on a wheel chair, Hawkeye looks thinner but healed)
Hawkeye- Hey sherm,
Potter- (Without looking) Who you calling Sherm? Oh Hawkeye, how are you.
Hawkeye- Fit and ready for action. My transfer to the 4077th has been arranged?
Potter- It has. But there's one more matter I want to clear up.
Frank- Sir, I want to make a formal complaint to General Torgasen about Pierce.
Potter- Ah the er, incident involving Pierce pulling down your pants. Do you have anything to say Hawkeye?
Hawkeye- I was just saluting the flag sir.
(Suicide is Painless end theme tune)