Author Disclaimer: MASH is not about superheroes, and Justice League is not about medics keeping from going mad. These stories are goofy fun. Please read them as such.
By Rob Morris
Superman flew in to the Justice League HQ. The orbiting satellite's teleporters were still down. His duties as Ben "Hawkeye" Kent, Medical Correspondent for WGBS, Metropolis, happily freed him to protect his adopted homeworld and get back to Carlye Lane in time for dinner. If he didn't have it ready, she'd kill him. "Ah, the joys of the freshly engaged. Hey, Cha'arls!" The Manhunter From The Planet Mars, who was working on the downed teleporters, briefly acknowledged Superman's presence, then got back to his work. "Hey, c'mon! You sure you don't need any help with those things? Jor-El didn't raise any stupid offspring, you know!" Standing up, Cha'arls Win'ch'tr brushed himself off and then spoke. "Thank You, Kent-No. Furstly, you were raised by Daniel Webster Kent and Martha Benjamin-two fine people, which makes their producing you all the more re-he-markable. Secondly, Maartians had perfected teleport technology at a time when Kryptonians were still trying to figure out whether or not they should eat the shiny green rocks!" The Man Of Steel had been raised in SmallGrove, Maine, a town noted for contrarians. This meant Hawkeye Kent couldn't back down now, if he wanted to. He didn't. "You know, Cha'arls, the people of Earth have an achievement beyond either of our worlds' science-it's called ROGAINE!" Cha'arls looked indignant. "Go play with your dog, Kent!" He then walked away. "Love to, Win'ch'tr! Krypto's a better conversationalist and he has better breath!" A streak of Green Light came through, marking the arrival of BJ Hunnicutt-The Green Lantern. In a force bubble with him was Sherman T. Garrick-in WW2 he had served with the Justice Society Of America as The Flash. With Wally O'Reilly temporarily out of commision, due to the treachery of Vandal Flagg, the still active vet took his seat at the JLA's table. He took Wally's place, which had also been the place of the 2nd Flash, the deceased Barry Blake, who died on his way home from the Crisis On Infinite Earths. "Great Harlequin, Lantern! Can't you control that ring's kick? I feel like my stomach's back in Keystone!" Green Lantern smiled, his moustache making it seem broader. "Sorry, Sherman. Guess I don't know the ropes quite yet." Superman commented, "No one expects you to, Beej. Just take it easy. It'll come." Hawkeye was trying to help the rookie hero, but only opened old wounds. "This is about Trapper again, isn't it? Man, I am so sick of that guy! It's not my fault he went nuts! The Guardians chose me. Kaput. End Of Story". All felt the loss when an imposter, pretending to be the comatose Superman, had obliterated San Francisco. BJ's family was not there, at the time. Trapper Hal Jordan's family was. Insane with grief, Trapper had slaughtered the Green Lantern Corps and the Guardians in a bid to turn back time. BJ Hunnicutt found the Last Guardian, Mulcahet, who gave him the last Green Lantern ring. Adjustment had not been easy. Particularly painful was Trapper's evolution into the villainous Parallax. A voice broke the quiet. "For pity's sake, BJ, we're only trying to help. Now just calm down. Gaea's girdle, do all men need to measure their self-worth against one another? You'd never catch an Amazon doing that!" The presence was unmistakable-Princess Margaret of Paradise Island-Wonder Woman. Superman couldn't resist responding. "What would I catch an Amazon doing, Margaret? You've got me piqued!" Wonder Woman was not impressed. "Pique off, alien-boy! And quit scanning Paradise Island all the time! We have been known to take care of ourselves, you know!" The Man Of Mirth never missed a beat. "Take care of yourselves? Oooh, Margaret. Can I watch?" At this, she gave up. "Hello, Margaret, all. " Wonder Woman's heart jumped. Batman always knew how to enter unheard. The teleporters were fixed. "Cha'arls is installing the latest components from Burns' Enterprises- seems like me playing the billionaire quack has its advantages, at times. Pity I can't lose him entirely." Garrick spoke up. "Lose him? Burns, you are him! These are just long-johns we wear! The people are underneath! Land O'Goshen, lad! Make sense!" Batman merely shook his head. "Sorry, Garrick. But Frank Burns died with his parents that night. He is little more than a mask that I have to throw on when the staff at Arkham is doing its job-which is rarely. " This discussion ended with an announcement from Klingar Hol, Hawkman. "Guys, its Darkseid! He's aiming to shiskabob South America! Our Kalibak's are to the wall!"
Superman looked around. "Where the hell is Sydney?" Martian Manhunter sarcastically shot off, "Doubtlessly psychoanalyzing some killer whales, Kent. Do we truly need Aquaman?" Batman cut in. "With South America having two oceans, Win'ch'tr? I thought Martians' weakness was fire, not math." As they headed out to stop the Lord Of Apokopolis, one thought stayed with The Man Of Steel: "Carlye is gonna kill me!"