Author Disclaimer: MASH is not about superheroes, and Justice League is not about medics keeping from going mad. These stories are goofy fun. Please read them as such.
By Rob Morris
The forces of Darkseid washed over Gotham City like a red tidal wave. Casualties were mounting quickly. In times past, Darkseid would have feared the wrath of Gotham City's mercurial super-criminals. The Joker, et al, were a scary bunch, even to a king of evil. But they were all gone, now, thanks to the obsessive efforts of the Batman. As Wally O'Reilly raced through large groups of parademons, the third man to call himself the Flash thought out loud.
"Gotta be the first time anybody's accused Mr. Burns of doin' his job too well."
Wally did his best to protect the hapless innocents who were the hell-soldiers first targets. Back in Iowa, even before the second accident made him Kid Flash, he had a sixth sense, and the other kids had called him 'Radar'. He used that in good combination with his speed.
"Guys? Schoolbus about ta be bombarded!"
But at the last second, the missle went away from the bus, and towards a new target : The Flash. But not Wally. No, this gent couldn't break the light barrier if he tried. The best Sherman T. Garrick could ever hope for - was sub-light.
"Oh, Kal-El? Do ya think you could get this projectile offen my keister? Mildred would be kinda ticked if she had ta pick shrapnel out."
But it was not Hawkeye Kent who answered. Rather, it was a dead man - now alive once more. It was the second Flash--Barry Blake.
"Ease up, Sherm. Kent's busy. I'll give it a hotter target."
Increasing his personal friction geometrically, the Flash coaxed the missle away from his predecessor. He then guided it toward an Apokoliptan missle battery, which went sky high as he was nowhere near.
"Oh, its good to be back!"
Now, the same schoolbus was under assault by Darkseid's 'Hunger Dogs', the cannon fodder of his razored forces. Just as they seemed set to blow the gas tank, the bus vanished. To the astonished kids inside, it seemed as though they were flying. That's because they were. Outside of the war zone, Superman set the kids down.
"Last stop--home, hearth, and safety. Oh, and--don't do whatever it is you're not supposed to do."
The kids just stared in wonder.
"Darn! Life just goes downhill from here."
Desaad, one of Darkseid's cronies, directed a cannon battery.
"You heard me, you toads! Reposition it to the coordinates I gave you! Or face the wrath of Darkseid."
Not wishing to face any such thing, the soldiers did as they were told.
They did, and ended up taking out their own war-tower. 'Desaad' resumed his true shape--that of Cha'arls Win'ch'tr, The Martian Manhunter.
"Thank you muchly, ge-hentlemen!!"
With strength that rivalled Kent's own, the Martian noble smashed the emplacement he was standing on, then turned invisible.
Three of the most mortal of the Justice League were more than holding their own. His mace like a whirling bowling ball, Hawkman had knocked out three of Darkseid's elite, including Kanto The Assassin.
"You bums dare ta mess with the JLA? And they say the air is thin on Thanagar?"
With lightning moves, Klingar Hol's wife, whose warrior caste resembled Earth's Asian peoples, tore a hole through the forces, clearing the way to Darkseid himself. Hawkwoman smiled.
"Here's a clue, to all you boys and girls---Thangarian women ALWAYS have PMS!"
In fact, she did such a good job that the only thing on her mind was whether to tell Klingar she had assumed a 2nd Secret ID- that of botanist Keiko O'Brien.
More terrible than any criminal in Gotham City was its protector - The Batman. An enraged Frank Burns was always a sight to see.
Rather than face him, many soldiers begged Darkseid for a quick execution.
More and more confident with his power ring, BJ Hunnicutt, The Green Lantern, for once put thoughts of his predecessor, Trapper Hal Jordan, out of his mind. He plugged up whole rows of artillery, taking them apart as they fired.
"Isn't constipation just the worst, Darkseid? I recommend fiber--especially in your case."
Darkseid only looked up.
The red beams that tore out from the hell-king's eyes would have struck BJ, but for the lovely shield that now produced itself. Wonder Woman - The Princess Margaret, shrugged off the lethal light.
"Hunnicutt? Are you insane? There are three members of this team who can survive one of his blasts, and YOU, married father, are NOT one of them! Think sometimes, would you?"
Margaret had a way of reminding BJ that he was the new Green Lantern, a rookie even when compared to Wally O'Reilly, Kid Flash and Flash since 13. He continued his attack, a bit dejected.
Now the way was cleared, and Barry Blake sped toward Darkseid, intending to pulverize him with a billion savage blows. But as he drew near, all he got was the back of the dictator's hand. He went flying, but started back.
"I'm gonna see that this team beats you, stone-puss, or my name's not Barry Blake."
Astonishingly, the mad dictator swatted him again, and his arc was wild. Immediately Superman and Wonder Woman went to catch him. As they did, he placed two devices on them, rendering them immobile. 'The Flash' smiled.
"They're all yours, Darkseid!"
Darkseid floated back to his ship, and tractor beams lanced out and seized the arch-heroes before anyone could react. 'The Flash' smiled again at those he had betrayed, before beginning his own attack.
"Oh, by the by, folks--my name's NOT Barry Blake."
On Apokolips, two friends saw each other across an arena. Dressed in gladiatorial armor, they knew what Darkseid would say next.
"For crimes unimaginable against our godly person, the Terran Champions, Superman and Wonder Woman, shall fight each other - TO THE DEATH!!!!!"
As a cheer went up, a look of resolve passed between the two imprisoned heroes.
"Best of Luck, Margaret."
"Luck? I'm almost as strong as you, and I'm an Amazon Warrior, pal! You're the one needs the luck."
The back-and-forth, as always, continued.
"Nice armor, Princess. Maybe I can dig up a can opener."
"It would never be sharp enough."
"Ooh. After that one, you better be as strong as me, Lady!"
Darkseid almost salivated. It would be a grand battle---ending, of course, in both their deaths. His hand went up, and the battle of the titans began.