3

Having been the one challenged, Frank told his problem first.

"My mother tried to use me as a substitute when Dad cheated on her."

Carlin nodded.

"Oh--you're good. But I am so much better. MY mother actually married me!"

Bob called a time-out.

"Mister--Mister Carlin--you've never mentioned that before."

Carlin shrugged.

"I was saving it for my next big breakthrough, ya lug ya."

Bob winced.

"Ya lug ya?"

Frank rose to the occasion.

"I carried on an affair with my unit's head nurse, while married, and preaching to and persecuting others about morality."

Emily, feeling helpless, chimed in.

"That was a good one."

Frank looked over.

"Hey, thanks."

But Carlin was unrelenting.

"I once dated the entire staff of a girls' school, all sisters, while trying to get the school knocked down to put up a high-rise."

Frank was stunned by this, but he was noways tired.

"I subjected two doctors of superior skill to pointless court-martial proceedings, wasting their time and taxpayer dollars."

Carlin cackled.

"No, no. Try again, pal. I'm giving you a do-over. I gip Uncle Sam so often, I don't even bother to check how I do it anymore."

Frank focused his attack.

"I am so afraid of being alone that I married a woman I knew I could never love and would never love me back. I stayed with her mainly for her money, after a while. When she left me, I called the local newspapers and told everyone her new beau was a polygamist. Top that! Hah!"

Carlin shook his hands dismissively in front of Frank's face.

"Not--even--close. See Hartley here? Well, when his friends screwed up his life, forcing him back to Chicago, I made him stay here by messing with the escroww account from the sale of his home in Oregon. The boob never even realized it. See? I trapped a couple just to make sure I had a shrink to whine to. I--win."

Frank nodded.

"Yeah--you really are more screwed up than me. I actually feel better about my life now. I mean it still stinks, but at least I can be thankful I'm not you."

Carlin smiled.

"And--don't--you--ever forget it. In the end, there can be only me!"

Carlin turned to Bob.

"Now, Hartley--about that 45 minutes---"

Bob stood, utterly incredulous.

"Mister Carlin---you screwed up my escroww account? That has over sixty thousand dollars in it. I want it released- -immediately."

"No way. I do that, and you two will skip town in a heartbeat. I might never track you down again."

Bob tried to think it through.

"Mister Carlin--that escrow isn't our bail. You had no right to keep it bottled up, and you probably broke a few laws, to boot."

"You know--Jerry is right. You just never do let things go, do you?"

"Mister Carlin--release the money or I'll take you to court."

Carlin shook his head.

"I'll tie you up for years."

Bob stood firm.

"In court--I'll let things slip out. Private things."

"Hah! You're bound by confidentiality."

Emily stood up, smiling.

"But I'm not. Elliot--just how much of your life have you told me over the years?"

Carlin's face turned pale, then pouty.

"Alright. I'll unmake a few calls. But understand--this could seriously affect our doctor-patient relationship."

Bob gently shook his head.

"Act-Actually, Mister Carlin--I'm thinking that this pretty much ends our doctor-patient relationship."

"Just wait, Hartley. You lose me, you lose the whole group!"

"Well, on the one hand, that-that would be their choice--and on the other hand--that might just be good."

Carlin departed Bob and Emily's company--forever.

"I liked you two better when you were soft and mushy. This backbone stuff stinks!"

With Carlin's departure, Bob noticed Frank Burns was still there.

"Doctor Burns--was there something else?"

Frank shook his head.

"No. I just like first-hand seeing long-term relationships disintegrate. I get so much good comparative info, that way."

Frank left, and Bob closed the door. Emily stated the implications of Carlin's visit.

"Bob--if one of them found us, then Jerry and the others can't be too far behind."

Bob waved his hand at the door.

"Honey--we just got Eliot Carlin out of our lives for good. With that done, I'd have to say--the weirdness is done with. Finito. Its Over."

"Darling, I hope you're right. Oh, do I hope you're right."

Bob sat down, nodding.

"Me-Me, Too."

Over in their own hotel room, Hawkeye and Margaret Pierce checked over the list of attendees.

"Zale can't make it?"

Margaret nodded.

"Nausea whenever he stands up. The Able sisters won't be here either. Word is, they're terminal."

Hawkeye felt his rage rise again.

"They're all terminal--and we get to stay young and watch them all die young. Some of these people may have had another fifty years coming, dammit!"

"Darling, I know its frustrating. But we'll get them someday. For your Dad. For Zale. For Henry."

Pierce nodded.

"Henry. Now there's someone who was already 1500 years old. Sidney's off celebrating his 2000 mark. You know, this unit has a truckload of history built up for a measly 25th Anniversary."

Margaret found that her husband's words made her think of something.

"Hawkeye--this Hartley that Sidney asked to sit in for him. Do you think Sidney told him--everything?"

"Well, I certainly hope so. I mean, between conspirators and Immortals--"

Margaret threw in, and a back and forth began.

"Vampires and Witches..."

"Time travelers and alternate Nazis..."

"Dinosaurs and 00-Agents..."

"...not to mention archaeology with the Joneses, anybody who looked over our little family album unawares....."

Margaret finished up.

"...Would think we were all out of our minds. Kind of like BJ and Peg will be when they find out about Walter and Erin. Good night, honey."

Margaret turned off her bed lamp.

"Good night, sweet princess. Parting is such sweet pillow."

Hawkeye turned off his bed lamp.

30 seconds later, Hawkeye turned on his bed lamp.

"What's this about Radar and Erin?"