FRANK: Miss Vitallia, I think it'd be best for yourself and the entire M*A*S*H unit if you stayed away from those two men. Both are inconsiderate, lusty men, and their behavior will not be tolerated, especially by me.

REG: Yes sir. But really sir, I honestly don't think any harm was intended from Trapper. Even Hawkeye-he's such a goof anyway.

FRANK: They're lousy surgeons too. One of these days I'll have them rightfully discharged.

REG: Oh, I see sir. (She turns towards the tent, and he grabs her gently by the shoulder)

FRANK: Miss Vitallia-I believe I told you not to be with those two men.

REG: Oh-but my records are inside.

FRANK: Alright. But please let me know if either of the two threaten you again. Do we understand, Miss Vitallia?

REG: Yes sir.

(Frank exits, while Regina heads back towards the tent)

REG: Trapper....please tell me I was dreaming.

TRAP: Huh?

REG: (fidgets) Major Burns makes me feel so uncomfortable.

TRAP: How?

REG: He was like, "I want you to stay away from those two" and putting his hand over my shoulder, saying "Oh, if those two ever threaten you, come see me."

TRAP: See?! I told you he likes you, cause look! He cares about who you're with!

REG: Noo! C'mon, you're making me feel dizzy. See, I don't mind actors that happen to be older than me, but when an actual, regular man about 15 years your senior tries to get with you, it's pretty bad.

TRAP: Don't worry, he's a pussycat, or a ferret I should say. He's just an annoying snitch. Anyway, let's change the subject. So, now you know-I'm from Boston.

REG: Oh yeah! When I heard that I was literally laughing hysterically inside. You know, I would have expected you to be all like Well, I went to the bahhrr with the cahhrr and a cigahhrr was in my mouth. It's all mahhrrvelous. Heh heh.

HAWK: (waking up) Hey! What is this? Some flaky acting class?!

(End Scene 1)

Act 2 Scene 2

(A few seconds later)

REG: What in the hell would YOU know about acting? And for the love of Mike-we're just practicing a Bostonian accent. And besides, you're referring to speech class.

HAWK: Thanks for the tip, I'll use it some day. And Trapper? Since when do you have fun with Reggie?

TRAP: Since you fell asleep I guess.

REG: (antsy) Ahh...what am I gonna do, you know? Eww...this whole Frank thing is really weird.

HAWK: Well, it doesn't really matter. You got Trap and Radar to protect you.

REG: (giving him a look) Yeah, no more Trappah forrr you I guess...But c'mon! This is really bad!

HAWK: Let me tell you something Regina. You have to know a little bit about Ferret Face. He's a wacky, dumb sissy, he can't handle this war.

REG: (pointing at gin) Doesn't seem like you can either.

HAWK: Look Regina. I really don't see it as a joke. War isn't fun, I'm telling ya. You've got people dying goddamnit. You know I had to watch a little girl die on the operating table before I ate breakfast, which is also probably the worst slop you could shove in your mouth? Here you dress up in all this fancy stuff and try to act all calm. Believe me, me and Trapper over here use the gin as a relaxer, cause was is just the opposite, pure hell. Now...I think you're at least flattered by this Major, and you "claim" you never get attention-you're just using that as a mere cover up.

REG: Ah come on....

HAWK: Well, I'm just saying....(sips gin) It's real hard to believe that you get as much attention as a soapdish.

REG: Great little lecture there...(to Trapper) Uhh....do you think I could ask Radar to look through Major Burns' files?

TRAP: And why would you want to do that?

REG: I don't know, I just want to see is all.

HAWK: Uh huh, sure, checking for his address so you could have a candlelit dinner at his place after the war?

REG: Oh please. (Exits)

TRAP: Well I'll tell ya, she's really something.

HAWK: Yeah, arrogant, in denial, and crazy.

TRAP: Aw come on Hawkeye. You gotta admit, you haven't given her much of a "chance" yet.

HAWK: Oh yeah, oh yeah-and she has! Since the first time we met. I tell her to ‘Call me Hawkeye.' Mr. Pierce? Benny? What is that? And that whole Ferret-face thing is a load of garbage, on her part anyway.

TRAP: I don't know Hawkeye. Frank is like Mars, and Mars needs women like you need a breath mint.

(Cut to Regina in office with Radar)

REG: Awww...come on Radar! Can't you take a peak?!

RAD: But I can't.

REG: But..

RAD: Because Colonel Blake gave orders.

REG: Blakes a doll though-and believe you me, he doesn't have any more compassion for the guy than anyone else on this site does.

RAD: Well, I guess I can-but me and me alone!

REG: Yes, yes, fine. So you're taking me to see your zoo tomorrow right?

RAD: Yeah.

REG: Yay! So exciting. Manhattans got none of that stuff. Wait-where are you from? I don't think I ever asked you.

RAD: Ottumwa, Iowa.

REG: Oh! On a little farm?

RAD: Yeah-with my ma and uncle.

REG: Aww! I could just imagine! You petting a fuzzy little chick! Hehe. I'm sorry, I'm acting like a real jackass.                 

RAD: Oh no, don't worry. Burns...Burns....oh-here. (lifts up folder)

REG: Ok, so can I take a peek?

RAD: Well...ok-but just a teeny one. (leans it slightly and gingerly towards her, then whips it away)

REG: (eyes widening) Major Burns has a wife?!

RAD: Yeah, you didn't know that?

REG: How could he cheat on her like that?! And jeez! What is this? 3 kids!

RAD: Well, uh...desperate times call for desperate measures.

REG: Yeah-seeking solace in Nurse HOULIHAN of all people. And why is he coming on to me?

RAD: He's coming on to you? Why would he do, uh...something like that?

REG: Ah damnit-it's cause I called him cute-at least everyone says that's the reason.

RAD: Wow-so Ferret-Face likes...

REG: ME! That's right! ME! And believe me, I'm not taking pride in this. He's a nice guy and all, but it's so weird! Why couldn't I just have-

RAD: Marlon Brandon?

REG: Marlon Brando. I think your ESP machine needs a little tinkering. (pulls his ear and squishes his face) Aww...Radar! You really are cute! And I don't mean that in a baby way. I really hope you don't think I'm some chatty airhead with only men and myself on my mind.

RAD: Welll...no, I don't.

REG: Really?

RAD: Yes.

REG: But really, don't say really unless you really mean it! See, now I REALLY sound like some bossy bitch.

RAD: Well, uh...I mean-I don't think so.

REG: Alright, good. But still! Nooo....what do I do about Burns?

RAD: Uh...I wouldn't worry about him. And anyway-I know he's more focused on getting Hawkeye transferred.

REG: It really isn't a bad idea you know?

RAD: Yeah...well, I better get back to my files.

(Col. Blake enters)

BLAKE: Ah...Regina. Gee-I love that shirt of yours-I don't know why I didn't say so earlier.

REG: Aw...thanks-it's nothing really.

BLAKE: Now, Radar-I want you to-

RAD: Call up General Johnson.

BLAKE: That's right-and tell him-

RAD: That you have to tell him something really important but to please wait a minute while you get your thoughts collected.

BLAKE: That's right, ye-

RAD: -s sir.

BLAKE: Ahh! Ha! I'll leave you to that then. Now, Regina, (starts walking, she follows) I know you're not used to it, but gee-since Klinger started his vacation today I was wondering if you'd mind going down the road   and pick up the supplies we just ordered? It's nothing really-just some bandages and cloth, stuff like that. You can handle it.

REG: Yeah, but sir, I'm not even a company clerk. Is that even allowed? Heh

BLAKE: Well, I'm sure it is, eh? And anyway-if it isn't, no one has to know, right? It's a little trip, nothing much, just that we need someone now. Can you drive a jeep?

REG: I can drive a car, same thing? Well, being this the army and all I'd expect a better version or something jazzy like that.

BLAKE: Oh, it's really quite simple. Hmm...I guess we should get someone to go with you just incase, and you'll need some training with a jeep anyway-just incase. (Bangs head on door as they walk out) What in the hell?!

REG: Oh god, sir! Are you alright?!

BLAKE: Yes, yes, fine Regina. A bang on the head is minor compared to the complaints and bombs going off that I have to hear everyday. (spots Frank) Ah! Frank! You mind driving Nurse Vitallia up the road-she has an errand to do.

FRANK: Ah ha. Colonel Blake, you can't be serious.

BLAKE: Of course I am.

FRANK: Nurse Vitallia can take herself, I'm an officer, I have more important things to do.

BLAKE: Oh come now Frank, no one else is around.

FRANK:   I might as well take myself then instead of driving someone else.

BLAKE: Well, I think this is a good opportunity to have Regina get acquainted with an upstanding officer such as yourself. Carry on!

FRANK: I'm living in an insane asylum!

REG: Major Burns, shall we go?

FRANK: Oh, alright. But you're lucky I'm stooping this low.

(End Scene 2)

Act 2 Scene 3

(Regina and Frank are in the jeep, Frank driving)

FRANK: So, Ms. Vitallia, how do you like Korea so far?

REG: It's gorgeous. Either that or I have bad taste.

FRANK: Uh huh. And I trust you've made acquaintances with some of the nurses?

REG: Not the nurses, but Trapper John's a great guy. If, uh...he weren't married I'd pounce on him like a lioness on antelope. And Radar's real sweet too.

FRANK: How could you be so attracted to a man as inferior as Trapper John?

REG: He's got the nicest smile!

FRANK: And no respect for authority. You know Miss Vitallia? Ever since I was president of my school's stamp club, I have had a penchant for following the rules, and enforcing them. I detest all who try to test me, Trapper being one of them.

REG: Aw...he's not that bad sir.

FRANK: Yes he is. I can tell he's planning devious plots against me even when he says "hi." I hope you aren't like that Miss Vitallia.

REG: Well, sir, I usually listen (pause) to NOTHING! Ahahaha. No, sir, I was just kidding. But honestly. And you know Major, what if you get a seizure or an ulcer from all this compulsive abuse of authority? I doubt either of our head surgeons will be ecstatic to help you.

FRANK: Well, Doctor Pierce and Doctor McIntyre will be transferred very soon. In the meantime, you'd best keep away from them and stick to more competent people. And I guess if you're not a buy-the-book type, are you at least a praying woman?

REG: Eh...nah.

(All of a sudden, a landmine goes off near them, the two get tossed around)

REG: Oh my god! Oh my god! Get away!!! Get away!!

(Frank swerves, narrowly missing another)

REG: Argghh! Help me god please! Please!! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Ahh!

(This time they're so close that the jeep topples over, and both are flung into the shrub)

FRANK: (hurt, but not badly, crawls to Regina) Miss Vitallia? Are you alright? (Pause) Miss Regina, please-answer me! (Shakes her, she doesn't respond. On her are many bruises, cuts, and her leg is broken, he spots it.) Oh...noo...(Picks her up) You're lucky you're light, or I wouldn't know what do with you.

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