5

REG: (wide awake and staring at the ceiling, her entire upper thigh and hips exposed since her hospital gown has slid up) Major Burns?

FRANK: (jumps) Oh-hello Miss Vitallia. How are you feeling today?

REG: (Does a Frankenstein impression) Ughhh...We belong...dead! Ohhh....Heh heh.

FRANK: Oh...I see. I guess we really haven't been able to talk much after our little accident.

REG: That's true. Looks like you got out without a scratch. Although I gotta admit, I was told that YOUUU saved my life...well...

FRANK: Uh, well, it is one's duty to rescue another in the service. Besides, I might get a purple heart in the process.

REG: So...my being alive is the result of your wanting a prize, yes?

FRANK: Oh, now, I didn't mean it in that context. You are a very kind, helpful nurse, and those are qualities that the dunces in this outfit don't even know the meaning of.

REG: Even Major Houlihan.

FRANK: Oh, well, I mean specifically Captain Pierce and Trapper John.

REG: Ohh...I see. Well, you know, getting back to the subject of our discussion, those land mines sure are crazy, aren't they?

FRANK: Oh ye-

REG: You know, and all the shit you have to go through if you happen to get in one's way. And hey-please! You're all too kind-it's only my third day!

FRANK: I'm sorry that you feel that way Miss Vit-

REG: Oh wait, wait a hanky panky second. I hate Miss Vitallia. I'm tellin' ya-Regina is MUCH more preferred. You saved my life, didn't you? I'm the one that needs to approach you formally-sir.

FRANK: Well Regina, I'm glad someone here has respect for my authority.

REG: Heh. Oh-and you know something? The whole cute thing... i-it was a form of appreciation for you.

FRANK: Oh yes. And I appreciate that. You yourself are a very lovely young woman.

REG: Oh. Thanks. Ah-and anyway-ferret-face? C'mon-you don't even look like a ferret! If anything, Mr. Pierce is a beanpole! Ahahahahaha!

FRANK: Well, at least SOMEBODY here finds me attractive.

REG: Oh, but Nurse Houlihan must find you attractive.

FRANK: Why Miss Vitallia, must you keep bringing her up? I mean Regina.

REG: Oh...well...I thought you two were together, you're not?

FRANK: Who told you that?

REG: That you broke up?

FRANK: No, that we were ever together in that sense?

REG: Mr. Pierce.

FRANK: Don't listen to a word that man says!

REG: Oh, alright. But c'mon, you must like her, right? Not even a little?

FRANK: She is a fine head nurse and has a good head for authority.

REG: Ah...we're not getting anywhere. So...if you don't like her, then you must OBVIOUSLY like me, right?

FRANK: Who said anything about that?

REG: I don't know, I'm just saying.

FRANK: Well, I couldn't, that'd be against the Bible.

REG: Bible schmible. You like me.

FRANK: Fine, I guess I like her.

REG: Hah! I got it out of you! Or did I?

TRAP: Ahh...alright, just a few more bandages and we'll have a gorgeous new leg. You were lucky that it was just a hairline fracture, you might never have been able to walk the same again.

REG: Ewww! Look at my legs! They're hairier than Klinger's back!

TRAP: You can shave it all off and use the hairs to stuff a pillow, a giant pillow.

REG: And you'd sleep on it.

TRAP: How does your leg feel?

REG: (puts her leg down and moves it about-she exclaims sarcastically) Great!

TRAP: Hey! You're just being sarcastic to confuse me. Someone has committed a manipulation!

REG: Really...I'm surprised how well you catch on.

TRAP: Alright, so, now we're gonna have to get it back into shape as you know-let's do some twists.

REG: Ok.

TRAP: Feel anything? (He puts his fingers in different positions on her ankle. Regina props her other leg back up again, for a couple of seconds revealing her underwear so Trapper gets an unexpected look at it. She quickly puts her leg down and he looks the other way)

REG: Yes, just a little achiness.

TRAP: Ah-well, that's to be expected. Alright, so nowww...we're gonna try standing up.

REG: If I do this right all of humanity will prosper! And I get a candybar.

TRAP: Yeah, I'm sure. (helps her up, she deliberately wobbles and falls back down on the bed)

REG: Whoopsy daisy!!

TRAP: Alright....let's...try again? (She remains stable this time) So.....you talked to Frank?

REG: How would you know?

TRAP: I don't know-I'm just, you know, guessing.

REG: Hmph-I bet you were spying on us. But yeah....just small talk.

TRAP: Ah c'mon. What did you talk about? You know...it's a little hard here trying to support your big fat body while I wait for an answer.

REG: Eh....he told me how he didn't like Hotlips in "that" way, but I could tell he did, I mean, if he doesn't like me then he must like her.

TRAP: And how do you know he doesn't like you?

REG: Cause....I told him what I just said to you...and he got all uneasy and said, you know ‘Fine, I like Hotlips.'

TRAP: Awww......But he still wuvs you, I can tell.

REG: Well, I said the cute thing was a form of admiration, he was grateful, and told me I was a very lovely, young woman, like any serious, upstanding elder would say.

TRAP: In other words: "I'm madly in love with you and will you please come to my tent so we can experience some forms of military discipline? You've been a very, very naughty girl....."

REG: Mother McCree! Is that all that's on your mind?

TRAP: Mother McCree? Hahahaha. And yes.

REG: Ugh-I gotta get some new friends.

TRAP: Who said we were friends, eh? EH?

TRAP: Are you ok?

REG: No (slaps him on the face softly)

TRAP: Hey! What was that for?

REG: (sighs) I don't know anymore. I'm sure that little fall of mine was rigged.   Look, you got the wires over here.....bright, disarming light there, trying to distract me with sickening tales of love.

TRAP: Alright, alright, but now we have to go back to the main purpose-REHABILITATING your ankle. Alright, now...I want you to wear these thick pads in your shoe...they'll comfort it and protect it.

REG: Isn't that what a cast's for?

TRAP: Yeah...but not when it's only slightly bad.

REG: But these are pads that only a square would wear!

TRAP: So what's the problem?

REG: I changed my mind. You're not McWatt-you're Aarfy, an ungrateful, cynical little sneak.

TRAP: Alright....so does that make you Nately's whore?

NURSE: Hot water and steam are perfect for the joints. Only stand up using your crutch though, remember that.

REG: Yeah, thanks.

FRANK: (muffled) I am doing a surprise check on toilet facilities men....and be they surprise checks or not, I expect them to always be clean!

HAWK: (Muffled as well) Nah-you just want a good look at Regina! (Pushes him in)

FRANK: PIERCE!!!!!

REG: Major Burns!!

FRANK: (eyes widen, but he covers them) Oh god-I'm sorry Ms. Vitallia! (starts to run out)

REG: Wait! Major Burns-could you get me my soap?

FRANK: Oh....well...alright. (Reaches for it and peaks through the small crack separating the door from the rest of the stall ) How is your leg?

REG: Better I guess.

FRANK: That's very good.

REG: So can you please hand me the soap?

FRANK: (Moves from his position at the edge of the stall) Oh yes, of course.

REG: Thank you. You didn't see anything now did you Major?

FRANK: Er...Miss Vitallia, of course not-you know I'm not a dirty old man. I have a wife and children.

REG: Oh? Is that so? What about Houlihan?

FRANK: Yes it is...and you best watch what you say Miss Vitallia before you get kicked out of here. (Walks out quickly)

HAWK: I need a clamp.

REG: Clamp.

HAWK: Now get me a knife, I'm gonna make an incision just above the spleen. Alright...sponge?

REG: Sponge.

HAWK: So Frank really yelled at you?

REG: He didn't YELL at me, he just raised his voice.

HAWK: Sounds like yelling to me.

REG: He just sounded stern.

HAWK: Hmmm....you put yelling and being stern together-you get yearn!

REG: HA HA....

HAWK: Alright....we're gonna need to sew him back up. Needles.

REG: Needles.

REG: Ross, Daniel-Marines. I always liked men in uniform....

DAN: (waking up) Where am I?

REG: Oh-the ward Mr. Ross. (checks his I.V.)

DAN: Who are you.....?

REG: Nurse Vitallia.

DAN: I like that name.

REG: That's nice.

DAN: You know...you know that you are...the most beautiful girl I've ever seen?

REG: (acting bashful and disinterested but obviously not getting good vibes from this guy) Oh...no I'm not...you're just being nice.

DAN: But you are...you're beautiful and lovely and gorgeous.

REG: Believe me Mr. Ross, Ingrid Bergman is far more beautiful and lovely and gorgeous than me. So therefore I'm not the most beautiful girl you've ever seen.

DAN: Never heard of her. I'm sure you're more beautifuller though.

REG: More beautiful. You need to rest Mr. Ross-I'll check back on you very soon though.

DAN: Wait, please don't leave. I hurt so much, and you're the only thing that can make me forget about it.

REG: Oh please....

DAN: I-I bet I know why you won't listen to me. Y-you have another man in your life, you must have.

REG: No I don't Mr. Ross-I don't need one-but YOU need some rest. You just had your spleen cut out of you.

DAN: You're lying.

REG: I think I'd know if you were operated on Mr. Ross.

DAN: I mean about men...you have one, you must. A guy back home maybe? How do you know he doesn't got some other gal?

REG: I don't have a man in my life at this point.

DAN: I bet someone l-loves you. Besides me I mean cause I'm madly in love with you at this point. You're so heavenly...it's like you're an angel. And I'll marry you...and I'll be inside you...we'll become one with god!

REG: I'll be back Mr. Ross.

DAN: I wanna make it with you so bad...

REG: Excuse me...

HAWK: Whoa-whoa-hey-what's going on?

REG: Nothing.

HAWK: One thing I know about you Regina is that your face can be read like a book, like right now, I'm reading "I hate you Hawkeye and want you to die."

REG: Ah...like Macbeth-his face can be read like a book....which is why he's found out by MacDuff.