(Cut to Colonel Blake's office and the rooms surrounding it. Regina, in her dress...walks in...and bumps into Klinger)

REG: (in femme fatale voice) Oh! Helloooo daaaarling...How nice to see you. And your dress is very lovely I might add.

KLING: Really? See-NOW you're beginning to understand my sense of style Regina. Your dress is gorgeous too.

REG: And don't you just love my cigarette holder?

KLING: But dear, there's no cigarette in it!

REG: Well-I'm not that stupid as to smoke. (She crosses into Radar's room where he is working on files) Drop that folder sugar....no man can have all this work and nooo play....(Advances on him in an obvious, seductive way)

RAD: (Bug-eyed and beet-red) Hachee Machee.....

REG: Tell me honey, do you like to dance?

RAD: Well, I don't really know h-

REG: Oh yes you do. (Grabs him-and they tango into Blake's office, where he is talking with Hawkeye and Trapper. They all stare at Regina, dumbfounded) Don't worry boys, there's plenty of me to go around.

BLAKE: Well gee Regina, I gotta admit that you look very lovely today.

REG: Oh Mister Blake you are TOO kind. (To Hawkeye) What's the matter Benjamin? Never seen a beautiful woman in all your time here?

HAWK: Yes, I believe I have. And you're not one of them. And what are you gonna do if all of a sudden choppers come?

REG: You're no fun. And I'll just distract the soldiers from their pain. You'll save a fortune on anesthesia.   Ahh...Mr. Trapper. How lovely to see you. And your (indicating army fatigue) tuxedo is very nice.

TRAP: Well, thanks for noticing. Care to dance?

REG: Why certainly. (She and Trapper dance to the outside of the tent-while the others follow) Oh Johnny, I never want this afternoon to end.....

TRAP: I love the way you look against the crimson sky Miss Vitallia. I can tell that you make even Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty, look plain.

(They all laugh, but abruptly stop when Frank appears followed by Hotlips and Father Mulcahy)

FRANK: What the hell's going on here?

TRAP: Sorry sir. But this kindly little lady was just so appealing I couldn't turn her down!

HOT: Where in god's name is that dress from Miss Vitallia?!

REG: A present from my mother. Don't I look like Rita Hayworth?

HOT: And what are you doing dancing around with Trapper John McIntyre?

REG: (Looks at Frank pleadingly) Well...

HOT: Don't look at Major Burns you harlot! Don't take this whole situation too lightly!

REG: (deadpan) I'm deeply sorry Major.

FRANK: I don't think it's Nurse Vitallia to blame....But uh, rather Dr. McIntyre! What makes you think doctor....that you can just dance around this site like it were a honky tonk party?

TRAP: An impulse sir...I'm attracted to women. How do you think I got my name?

FRANK: I catch you like this again and you'll be discharged before you can yell "Virgins, come my way!" And Nurse Vitallia?

REG: Yes sir.

FRANK: I'll see you in my tent in 5 minutes. (Exits. Hotlips does as well, but in a different direction)

HAWK: Hmm...wonder why, eh?

REG: Ugh. Oh Father, I didn't make a complete ass of myself, did I?

MUL: Well, no...not exactly. But sometimes jocularity can get in the way of harmless fun...and that's when it's time to watch out.

REG: Hahahaha-you always know how to make me smile Fatha. And you're cute too.

MUL: Well...oh.

REG: (To Blake) Oh Colonel, tell me honestly. Did I make an ass of myself?

BLAKE: Golly Regina-I wouldn't worry about Frank.

REG: Easy for you to say sir.

(End Scene 5)

Act 3 Scene 6

(Frank is in his tent-the one he shares with Hawkeye and Trapper. Regina enters, still in her dress. He looks slightly fidgety when he sees her)

REG: Sir?

FRANK: Ah yes, Regina.....I thought I told you specifically not to hang around those two men.

REG: I'm sorry. But Blake was right there-nothing would have happened.

FRANK: That doesn't matter. Who knows WHAT disease of intellectual abilities they could carry that could be passed onto you or any other helpless bystander?

REG: I really am sorry sir. (She sits next to him-crossing her legs so that she's facing him)

FRANK: Listen, er..Regina-I care. I don't want you with those men. I really do care for you! What if one of them, in a drunken stupor, decided to rape you? And just because you're an adult makes no difference.

REG: Well sir, I have a confession to make.

FRANK: What?

REG: I'm only 16.

FRANK: What?

REG: Do you think someone like me never had boyfriends? I've had plenty-believe me.

FRANK: So you mean this whole thing was just an act? How could you pull something like that off?

REG: What do you expect? I'm an actress.

FRANK: How did you get past your parents then?

REG: My parents hate me-all that stuff sent to me were from desperate men-I told them all to write my parents' address on the packages so it wouldn't be suspicious.

FRANK: But, but Regina! No one would care who you got your mail from! Or if you had boyfriends!

REG: Innocence sells just as well as sex sir, so I thought why not?

FRANK: So your relationships with Radar and Trapper were all fake?

REG: Not fake sir, just failed. I tried my best to get with them-but Trap's married and Radar's a celibate little lamb, I could never do something like that to him.

FRANK: And what about me?

REG; You're real sweet-but alas, you're married as well.

FRANK: And the dying soldier that said how he loved you?

REG: I don't know. I was creeped out by him-I was actually pretty afraid when he started to talk to me.

FRANK: My god-REGINA! You prey on idiotic men and are afraid of one?

REG: Yeah.

FRANK: Listen Regina, I love you, I want you to spend the rest of your life with me. Sleep with me, live with me, breathe with me, kiss me, kiss me Regina. I am in mad love with you, and I won't leave this war without you. I swear to God!

(Regina instantly kisses him passionately, and allows him to grope her and feel her while her dress begins to fall off. Frank pulls away though)

FRANK: Regina!

REG: What?

FRANK: I don't know-you're not as innocent as I thought. That's why I was in love with you.

REG: Ohhhh....so a pedophile you are....

FRANK: No...

REG: Yeah-well, I don't really care. I just think the authorities will have something to say about that.

FRANK: I don't care. Let's just run away. I don't care about the army anymore! I hate it! Let's just leave!

REG: Where'd we go?

FRANK: Anywhere! Anywhere you want!

REG: Umm.....the Bahamas....

FRANK: Fine, fine, we'll go to the Bahamas.

REG: Aww...you're just like the rest of them. I'm sorry, but, you know-all I can say is that you're gonna get hurt if you fall in love with me. I don't stay with one person for very long. Sorry. (Turns to leave)

FRANK: Regina! Please! Get back here right now!

(Regina exits and stands face to face with Hawkeye)

HAWK: So how'd it go?

REG: Eh, nothing. He yelled at me for a few minutes and then poured himself a drink and went to bed. He also said he actually admires you and wants to learn all the medical arts from your training.

HAWK: What can I say? I'm perfect.

The End

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