3

That night, Major Burns and Major Houlihan emerged from her tent for supper. It was already getting dark and the mess hall wouldn't be crowded. They reached the door to see Hawkeye, in full tuxedo, standing behind a small podium.

"Ah, the Majors have come for their minor dinner!" said Hawkeye as he saw them. They tried to ignore him as they entered, but he stopped them.

"What is this, Pierce?" yelled Frank.

"Do you have reservations?" asked Hawkeye.

"Reservations?" cried Hot Lips. Hawkeye looked to her.

"Yeah, reservations!" said the Captain, "This place is a pretty hot ticket around here."

"It's the only ticket around here!" yelled Frank. Hawkeye smiled and looked to his guest book.

"Name please?" Asked Hawkeye.

"Where Majors and we have a right to eat here!" Hot Lips demanded. Hawkeye searched through his book.

"Oh, yes, we do have a pair of Majors scheduled!" the Captain announced. The Majors proceeded but Hawkeye stopped Frank. "We would ask that you hand in your .45 before entering."

"My gun?" said Frank, "Why?"

"We try to think of meal time as a 'war-free' time." Explained Hawk.

"That's ridiculous!" said Hot Lips as the forced their way in.

"Don't blame me if the cook spits in your food then!" countered Hawkeye.

Frank and Margaret entered the tent to find that a lone table had a sign marked 'Majors only'. All other Mess Tent went on as usual. Hawkeye appeared again and lead them to the 'Major' table. They reluctantly sat down, without getting their food.

"You scare me, Pierce." Said Frank, as the Captain left. As he did, another appeared at the table side, wearing a cooks apron. The Majors looked up to see it was Trapper.

"McIntyre?" said Hot Lips in confusion. Trapper had a small pad and paper in his hand.

"What will it be folks?" asked Trapper. "Army gruel or army slop?"

"That's disgusting!" said Frank. Trapper put his hand to his chest, as if were offended.

"Please," said the Captain, "we put pride in out food."

"You're going to serve us?" asked Hot Lips.

"Of course." Said Trapper, jotting something down and heading toward the mess line. The Majors looked to each other in confusion.

"What's going on, Margaret?" asked Frank.

"I was going to ask you the same thing." She replied. "I bet they're up to something." She then added.

It took quite a while for Trapper to return with their food. By the time he got there most of the people had left the hall. Silently, Trapper served them their food and left the tent, to meet Hawkeye. The Majors ate quickly and as they finished they were alone in mess hall.

"Revolting again..." said Frank looking down at his empty tray. Hot Lips was silent and they decided to retire. They tried to get up but found it difficult. They tried again and realized that they were stuck to the bench.

"Frank, we're glued down!" said Hot Lips. Frank tried again and was unable to break free.

"What are we going to do?" crooned Frank. They sat there, silent, for a moment, Margaret looking around the dark compound.

"Frank," she whispered, "we'll have to take our pants off."

"Right here, Margaret?" Frank asked.

"No, not that Frank!" she whispered, "To get off the bench we have to take our pants off."

"Oh," said Frank, "What is if someone sees us?"

"It's dark everyone must be in bed." Whispered Hot Lips. Her testimony was convincing and they carried through with her plan. Soon, they were discreetly rushing across the compound to Houlihan's tent...unaware of Hawkeye and Trapper hidden in a nearby bush with a camera.

The next mourning, Frank entered the Swamp from an early post-op shift to see Hawkeye and Trapper laughing hysterically at pictures they were holding. Their laughter didn't cease, even when Frank entered and sat down. Knowing the Captains kind of humor, the Major didn't want to get involved.

"Look at this one." Said Hawkeye, handing Trapper a snapshot with tears in his eyes. Trapper looked at laughed so hard he feel off his bunk, which made them both laugh more.

"Shut up!" yelled Frank. "I'm trying to sleep!" Hawkeye forced himself to calm down and looked to Frank. He handed the Major a snapshot.

"Look at these, Frank." Said Hawkeye.

Meanwhile, in Henry's office, he was practicing putting golf balls into a bedpan, while Radar puttered around the room, sorting out papers.

"Radar?" said Henry, lining up a shot.

"Yes, sir?" answered Radar.

"Have you ever gotten a hole in one?" asked Henry.

"No, sir," said Radar.

"Me either." Said Henry, taking a shot. "That's why I'm always in here, practicing, so when I get back to the country club back home I'll be ready." Radar walked to the filing cabinet and put away some papers.

"Sir," said the Corporal, "if you get a hole in one I thought that you didn't have to putt." Henry froze, the clerk was right. The Colonel was saved from embarrassment when the door burst open with Major Burns behind it.

"What is it, Frank?" asked Henry as Hawkeye and Trapper entered.

"Colonel, I want these hooligans arrested!" screamed Frank, pointing to the Captains.

"What now?" cried Henry. Frank handed his CO the pictures that the Captains had taken. Blake looked down to them and held a smile.

"Colonel!" yelled Frank. Henry's mouth straightened.

"What is the meaning of this!" demanded Henry.

"We were taking pictures of the camp when the Majors got in the way." Explained Hawkeye.

"It's a lie!" screamed Frank.

"All right!" yelled Henry, "These practical jokes have to stop!"

"They started it!" protested Trapper.

"Yeah," added Hawkeye, "Frank and Hot Lips decided to take revenge when you ignored the charges."

"That's not true!" said Frank, "I told you what happened, we didn't play any jokes."

"Enough!" cried Henry. "Now, this funny business has to stop! I'm not running a clown school!"

"Frank's here." Said Trapper. Henry gave the Captain an icy glare.

"I'm demanding that all of these practical joke have to stop. It's an order."

"Fair enough." Mumbled Frank.

"Fine." Said the Captains with no real enthusiasm. They began to leave.

"Wait." Said Henry. "I want the rest of those pictures."

"But we didn't get a chance to post them on the Bulletin Board!" said Trapper. Henry held out his hand and Hawkeye handed over all the snapshots.

"Don't forget the negatives." Reminded Henry. The Captains sighed and Trapper handed over the negatives. Before leaving, Hawkeye remarked to Henry:

"You've killed a classic."