Rating: R (language, violence)

21

Chapter 21: Radar Visits the Valley of the Dolls

It was a quiet day as RADAR sat behind his desk that somewhat unusual day in 1970, when a phone call from U.S. Senator CASEY ANDERSON came in telling him about SENATOR ANDERSON'S daughter (also named CASEY) being involved with a strange woman named ROXANNE whom was a friend of a goofballed pill popper named RONNIE BARZELL aka Z-MAN. RADAR took this seriously, & called both KLINGER & FLAGG into his office. After explaining the situation to them he then asked them if they'd care to go to LOS ANGELES to look into the problem!? FLAGG replied "It'll be good to see some smog for a change." KLINGER said "I'll see if any Lebanese delicatessens serve food for BARZELL'S parties, if any?" Radar ended the conversation by saying "Okay, it's official. We'll go to LOS ANGELES, & if BARZELL aka Z-MAN is the fool that SENATOR ANDERSON thinks he is, well, we grab him even if the L.A.P.D. refuses to provide us with help of any kind!?" It was agreed that this would be a no notice surveillance & arrest plan that RADAR, KLINGER, & FLAGG would use to nab RONNIE BARZELL.

It would not be an easy job, but they were only doing this to rescue the daughter one of their very favorite U.S. Senators. Then they got the break they were waiting for the whole time! BARZELL made two phone calls. The first was to a close friend of his named LANCE ROCKE. The second phone call was made to an up & coming fashion designer named ROXANNE. The calls were to, more or less, invite them to one of Z-MAN's private parties. As soon as the guests arrived at BARZELL's house RADAR, KLINGER, & FLAGG then jumped over the wall, & landed on the estate. As they party progressed slowly RADAR knew that they should wait until Z-MAN was to go totally crazy, mentally speaking that is!

Then one of the listening devices they planted inside BARZELL's mansion picked up an argument of some kind between Z-MAN and ROCKE. Z-MAN was doing an impersonation of SUPERWOMAN, and a very bad one at that!? Then with LANCE ROCKE hog-tied on the floor, Z-MAN then took a sword from the wall and beheaded LANCE ROCKE for refusal to have sex with him!!! Then Z-MAN chased his butler OTTO down to the beach just beyond his backyard by a matter of yards, and with the same sword Z-MAN hacked poor OTTO all to pieces!!! Now they decided to make their move, but They needed to find a place within the house in which to ambush Z-MAN, but where??? Then RADAR found CASEY ANDERSON, & an idea came to RADAR. Then he said to KLINGER & FLAGG "We'll ambush BARZELL in that bedroom, but we'll have to move ROXANNE out of the way". FLAGG said "I'll hide in the closet, & wait for the bastard". KLINGER replied "I'll inflate our special dummy balloon that resembles ROXANNE with the help of one identical night gown, one wig, & some makeup!?" RADAR said "Alright, let's get into position, show that creep a few things, shall we?"

Then Z-MAN came into the bedroom. By now CASEY & ROXANNE were both safe in another area of the house. RADAR & KLINGER hid out in the room across the hall. FLAGG waited inside the closet. Now Z-MAN being totally unaware that he was gonna be arrested, took out a COLT .45 automatic pistol, and positioned it near the mouth of the dummy while being under the illusion that it was ROXANNE whom was now in a safer area. Then a shot was fired. FLAGG then leaped from the closet & was fighting with Z-MAN. Then RADAR ran in with KLINGER, they put the handcuffs on RONNIE BARZELL. Z-MAN said "You people are Roman centurions invading the nation that is ruled over by the greatest law enforcer of them all, SUPERWOMAN!!!"

RADAR said "Don't try anything, BARZELL. We got you for two counts of 1st degree murder of your good friend LANCE ROCKE as well as your butler, OTTO. So therefore, we're placing you under citizens arrest. Do I make myself clear?" BARZELL cried "The reign of SUPERWOMAN has ended. For the Romans have conquered. Now I will be in slavery for the rest of my life all because of ROME!!!" Just then a station wagon pulled up.

It was CASEY'S good friends KELLY McNAMARA & PETRONELLA DANFORTH, & their boyfriends. KELLY asked "CASEY! What in the heck happened here?" CASEY replied "Z-MAN went crazy, but SHERIFF O'REILLY from my home state of MINNESOTA rescued us". So with that part taken care of it was safe to say that Z-MAN was headed to jail, but another shot went off. this time it came from FLAGG'S .45 COLT PEACEMAKER REVOLVER. Z-MAN lay on the floor of his house wounded and dying. Then Z-MAN said his final words "Oh!!! WHY did I do these idiotic things. Oh, SATAN take me into the fires of PURGATORY, and never let me back on EARTH under any circumstances!!!" KLINGER felt around for a pulse. He found none on Z-MAN. Sometime afterwards in a triple ceremony, marriage wise that is!!!!! BAXTER WOLFE married SUSAN LAKE (the aunt of KELLY McNAMARA), RANDY BLACK married KELLY McNAMARA, & EMERSON THORNE married PETRONELLA DANFORTH. Observing the ceremony through a courthouse window was SUSAN LAKE'S crooked lawyer PORTER HALL. A month later in GRAND RAPIDS, MINNESOTA at the CATTLEBREEDERS PENTECOSTAL CHURCH, CASEY ANDERSON (the daughter of the male U.S. Senator with the same name) was married to ADDAMS INDUSTRIES' finest corporate executive, DOBIE GILLIS. Now although it was ITASCA COUNTY'S most heavily guarded secret, DOBIE GILLIS had himself a harem, & yet another month passed by before DOBIE GILLIS took ROXANNE to the altar.

This chapter is dedicated to the living & loving memory of the HOLLYWOOD director whom inspired me to write this certain chapter. His name is RUSS MEYER. His movies entitled "FASTER PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL!" & "BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS" both provided the kind of inspiration I needed to write this chapter. RUSS MEYER, BORN: MAR. 22ND, 1922. DIED: SEPT. 18TH, 2004.