by Rob Morris
In these three short vignettes, I hope to pay tribute to one of the other things that has kept me laughing most of my life--Hanna-Barbera's enormous stable of characters. Now, let's see how our mirthful medics mix it up with these cartoon cut-ups. :)
( We see Sidney Freedman outside, talking to two individuals )
Sidney : You two are hardly the first people to encounter this problem. Back during the Korean War, Hawkeye encountered the same trouble to varying degrees with both Colonel Blake and Colonel Potter. One of you wants and expects control and deference. The other finds his situation less than tolerable, and expresses it through constant acts of rebellion, even though these acts are very often self-defeating. Now can you come to a halfway point? To some kind of meeting of the minds?
Yogi : Nooo-hooo way! He's, ya know, a control freak!
Ranger Smith : ONLY BECAUSE YOU WON'T STOP STEALING THE PICNIC BASKETS!!
( In the background are Frank and Boo-Boo )
Boo-Boo : Gosh, Major. Don't you mind standing here all this time while Yogi and The Ranger take up all of Doctor Freedman's time?
Frank : Oh, not at all, Boo-Boo. See, Sidney told me that one way to always feel sane is to hang around with really crazy people. Between Yogi, Smith and Mister Jinx, I feel better than I ever have in my entire life.
( A deserted medical school in the middle of nowhere. Scooby and the Gang are talking with an old groundskeeper )
OG : You kids had best clear out of here. The Deadly Doctor used to dwell here, and now, some folks say, his ghost still haunts these halls. He was a surgeon with some strange habits.
Shaggy : Gee. Like--he must have been a real cut-up! Get it? Cut-up? Surgeon?
Daphne : Gee, I hope we don't run into him in a dark operating room.
Scooby : Raaaeh---rark Roperating Room. Eeeeeheheheheejghee!
Fred : Well, I hope we do. I've been itching to solve a mystery.
Shaggy : Like, maybe Freddie's only itching cause' his ascots on too tight.
( Velma sees a jeep drive up, as always for no apparent reason. )
Velma : Hey, look everybody! Its the famous medics from M*A*S*H*.
Shaggy : Groovy! I'll, like, have some MASHed potatoes.
Scooby : Rashed Roratoes--rith ravy!
( Licks his chops at the thought )
Velma : No, you goofballs! The crazy medics from that wacky TV show!
Daphne : But what are they doing here?
( In the jeep, exceeding any capacity we know of, are Hawkeye, Trapper, Henry, Radar, Frank and Margaret. )
Hawkeye : Hey, kids. Ever since the war ended, we just drive around the country doing nothing.
Trapper : Frank gives us pointers in that department. He's really good at it.
Frank : Well, thanks, McIntyre.
Margaret : ( Whispers To Frank ) Frank, those two just insulted you!
Frank : I know that, Margaret. But they phrased it in a compliment-like way, so I'll take what I can get.
Henry : Hey, I'm glad you kids are here. By a gosh-darned wholly unbelievable coincidence, we all got trained at this medical school, and as you can see, she's a real fixer-upper. So we want your help in fixing her upper, so's her upper isn't so downed anymore, and then we can put the fix in. Errrrr.....
Fred : Colonel--what did you just say?
Hawkeye : Don't strain yourself, Fred. Even Henry has a hard time drawing a bead on what he's talking about.
Henry : Hardy-har, Pierce. Radar, where's the.....
Radar : Floor plans for the medical school, they're right here Colonel.
Henry : ....floor plans for the med school, find them and bring them....
( Henry stares at the plans )
Henry : Where's these come from?
Margaret : Once again, we see who's really running things around here!
Radar : Who'd that be, sir?
Trapper : Radar, if you think she's a sir, maybe you and Velma should switch glasses for a while.
Radar : Oh, no sir. Never on the first meeting. No offense, Velma.
Velma : Oh, none taken. Radar--can you really read other people's minds?
Radar : Well, I sure can. Watch this.
( Turns to Scooby )
Radar : I'll read yer dog's mind, an tell ya what it is he's sayin.
Henry : Radar----
Radar : Not now, sir. I'm concentratin.
Shaggy : But, like, Radar---Scooby can--
Radar : Shush yerselves! I got a lock on him. Scooby---tell me what you most wanna eat, right now.
Scooby : A Repperoni Rizza!
( Radar turns to all )
Radar : He told me he wants a pepperoni pizza. I just got a way with animals, doncha know.
Scooby : Roh, Rother!
Radar : All that mind readin' made me hungry.
Scooby : Re, Roo!
Shaggy : Like, you read my mind!
Fred : Who needs to do that? When it comes to food, you two are an open book.
( All three open up small containers, out of which pop Mega-Dagwood nightmare sandwiches; They wolf them down before their astonished friends )
Trapper : I honestly believe Radar could have eaten North Korea in three bites.
Hawkeye : Yeah, but then we'd have missed out on that great war, and all those swell injured people--even after their swelling went down.
Frank : How you two can pervert so peaceful, beautiful, and serene a concept as war is beyond me.
Henry : Can you even say 'pervert' on Saturday Morning in 1973? Let me phone up Mister Gelbart. Hello, Larry?
( Just then, The Ghost Of The Deadly Doctor shows up, cackles, and runs off; Scooby and Shaggy are joined in their usual scaredness by a gulping Frank and Radar. All four jump beneath the jeep )
Margaret : Oh, Frank! Show some backbone!
Trapper : I can see his backbone just fine, Margaret. Its shivering with the rest of him.
Frank : ( Under jeep ) O'Reilly, I order you to go out and catch that ghost!
Radar : Uh, not me, sir. I get allergic to old sheets. Then I break out all in hives.
Shaggy : And we're allergic to extreme fear--then we break out through walls!
Scooby : Ruh-huh! ( Whimpers )
Henry : Well, looks like we have to catch an unauthorized ghost. Me--I wanna delegate. Delegation is important.
Fred : And we'll help you, Colonel!
Daphne : We sure will!
Velma : You bet!
Shaggy : Hear that, Scoob? We've been volunteered again.
Scooby : Reah. Rolunreered. Reesh!
Trapper : Hey, Hawk--how do you see this coming out?
Hawkeye : I think Colonel Flagg's gonna look awfully foolish when we peel his mask off, at the end.
Trapper : Doesn't he always?
( Friends and family of Fred Flintstone are seated in front of a 16-inch Rockjection TV. Fred taps a series of birds and gophers inside the set )
Fred : Boy, I can't believe this is the big night! The final episode of Movable Army Stone Hospital. The Jurassic War comes to an end after 11 million years. Kind of brings a tear to your eye.
Betty : That Hawkeye Pumice is such a dreamboat.
Barney : And BJ Hunnicuttingstone is quite a card. Heh-heh. Remember the time he and Hunter-Gatherer John made Hawkeye stand too near the nurses' shower--and then the walls came down on him? Eh-heeheheeheeh!
Fred : Bar-ney! BJ and Hunter were on at different times. You're mixing up the show.
Barney : Oh, sorry Fred. It must have been BJ and Winchestone. Or was it Hunter and Frank Igneous? No--wait. Nobody liked Igneous. They called him Pterodactyl-Puss.
Wilma : I've heard all kinds of rumors. One version has Hawkeye and Margarock Halitehan tying the knot. Head-Shrinker Sidrock should show up, too. He's supposed to help Pumice get his ego through the door so they can all go home.
Betty : I still hold out hope that Rodan O'Rockly will show up, to help say goodbye. I miss that little guy. The show went downhill after he left.
Wilma : It had to go downhill. Its been raining a lot out in Hollyrock, lately. The mudslides are just awful. Why, Family Lies had to move in with The Fads Of Life, and Bawl In The Family's mouths have been cleaned out ten times!
Wilma's Mother : Well, I'll watch it with you. But mark my words, this show has been in decline for a lot longer than that.
Fred : Oh, don't start in again. I liked Colonel Block, same as the next guy. But Colonel Ceramic T. Pottery gave that place a sense of direction.
Wilma's Mother : Yeah--and that direction was straight towards Dullsville!
Wilma : Shush, you two. Its starting.
( Onscreen are Sidrock, Pottery and Hawkeye Pumice )
Sidrock : Colonel Pottery, I'll be blunt. Only one therapy can help Doctor Pumice.
Pottery : Do what you have to, Sidrock. We'll understand. We need Pumice to stitch all those surgical gloves he's used back together again.
Sidrock : Here goes. ( Pulls out a huge club, pounds Hawkeye over the head with it)
Ha. Pumice : Hey! I'm cured! Now to end this lousy, stinking war!
Pottery : But Pumice--the war is over. The North Dinosaurs signed the armistice.
Hawkeye : See? They heard I was getting out, and knew it was time to settle up.
( The end of the episode comes )
Barney : Big deal. So he spelled 'Goodbye' in stones. How else are you supposed to spell it?