If Larry Gelbart wrote Star Trek - The Original Series

by Rob Morris

( Uhura storms onto The Bridge )

Uhura : Captain Kirk! I must thoroughly protest the total lack of discipline aboard this ship!

Kirk : Boy, there's no pleasing some people. Just last night, I offered to let you discipline me in the weapons locker, but you got all meshunige then, too.

Uhura : I----Never!

Spock : Is that true, Doctor?

McCoy : You two just wait. Someday this will all come out!

Kirk : That sounds messy. I better have someone on garbage detail that day. Oh, wait---that's you, Bones.

McCoy : You call me that to compare me to a Sawbones, right?

Spock : No, Doctor. He calls you that because 'Bones' is usually what's left of your patients.

Uhura : Give me one good reason I shouldn't write a report to Admiral Komack---AGAIN!!!

( Kirk gets up, grabs and kisses her brains out; She stands there, stunned )

McCoy : Dis--gusting. Lets go write that report.

Uhura : Maybe---later, Len. Yeah. Wow.

McCoy : Kitten, are you feeling alright? You want me to look you over in Sickbay?

Uhura : Oh, oh no dear. If this keeps up, I'll just wait until there's a doctor on duty.

( McCoy glares as they walk out )

McCoy : You----GUYS!!!

K+S : We Are Not!

( As they leave, Sulu steps out in a TOS miniskirt )

Uhura : Tramp!

Sulu : You just wish you still had the legs for this skirt!

( Spock wields a McCoy-like instrument over Sulu )

Spock : Sulu---a human male may not achieve pregnancy.

( Sulu points to pillow over stomach )

Sulu : Hey, its a new century. How do you know this couldn't happen?

Kirk : Remove the pillow, Sulu. We may have company, and I'll have a hard enough time explaining McCoy's surgical record.

Sulu : Is that an order, sir?

Kirk : Yup-per.

Sulu : Then I refuse it. I demand that I be placed under House Arrest---back in Yokohama.

( The pillow is removed; Chekov bursts onto the Bridge, dozens of PADDS in hand )

Chekov : Sir, you must to be signing those things that you should have been signing that you did not sign because you were too busy signing the things that said you signed all of last months things which you signed three months back.

Kirk : Chekov--I have no idea what it is you just said.

Chekov : Ees eet my thick Russian accent, Keptin?

Kirk : No, that's the only part I did understand.

( Chekov starts )

Chekov : Cloaked Enemy Wessels---ooo--a lot of them, sir.

( Kirk looks at Spock, standing by sensors)

Kirk : Why do we even keep you around?

Spock : I know how to operate the still.

Kirk : Good reason. Chekov, get me the intelligence.......

Chekov : ....report for Romulan activity in this sector. Already in your hands, sir.

( Kirk glares )

Kirk : Why I do keep you around?

Chekov : Because I know how to operate the still after Spock has had a few.

Spock : That makes him vital.

( McCoy and Uhura return )

Uhura : The Admiral is here!

( Picard emerges, except he's not quite Picard )

Picard : Captain, your ship is covered in meteorite dust! I want two men out on the hull, immediately, to clean it off! But first--- A Number.

( All stare )

Kirk : A number, sir?

Picard : Well, Yes. Its in the blood of every able Starfleet crewman! 'Oh, Buffalo Gal, won't you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight, Buffalo Gal won't you come out tonight, and we'll dance by the light of the moon....

( He does a jig, and dances off the Bridge)

McCoy : Will the Admiral be leaving us?

Kirk : In a rubber shuttlecraft.

( This is of course the condensed FX version of this classic ep )