Rating: PG

After lunch, Hawkeye was headed back to the SWAMP when a supply truck pulled up beside him. "Excuse me," the driver asked him, "is this the 4077th??"

"And nothing but..." Hawkeye replied.

"I have a delivery here as soon as someone signs for it," the driver stepped down from the truck and handed Hawkeye a clipboard. Hawkeye read it briefly, shook his head and laughed. "Your delivering thirteen boxes of bullets?"

"Yes sir."

"You realize of course, who and what we are here?"

"No, sir."

"Well I'm not signing for this," Hawkeye said, shoving the clipboard back at the sergeant. "We get bullets here every day but not so freshly packed."

"What do you mean, sir?" The driver casually looked around camp with a bored expression.

"We're a hospital sergeant," Hawkeye said, "Normally, we only take bullets out of bodies."

"No disrespect, sir," the sergeant said, taking the clipboard back from Hawkeye. "But the bill here says I gotta deliver this load to this address. I've been in this army long enough to know that the more you stop to think how much sense something might make, the crazier it becomes. Besides, anyone can sign for it." The driver gave a quick salute to Hawkeye, spotted Klinger and began to walk towards him. "Hey soldier! Got a minute?"

Hawkeye quickly reconsidered and then followed the driver a few steps. "Okay, hold it, hold it. I'll sign for it." He signed the receipt and the driver tore him off a copy.

"I'll help you get them off the truck," the driver said. After placing the boxes on the ground, the driver closed the tailgate. "They got any chow here? I missed breakfast."

Hawkeye, both amused and angry at the soldiers uninterest in what he had just delivered, pointed towards the mess tent. "Mess tent is over there next to the motor pool. Kind of like an eat and run."

"Thank you, sir." The driver climbed back into the truck and drove off. Hawkeye read the receipt once more and shook his head.

"What's going on, Captain?" Klinger asked.

"Give me a hand for a second, will you, Klinger?" Hawkeye said. They hauled the heavy metal boxes into the SWAMP at the foot of Hawkeye's bunk. "Any idea why the Army would deliver live ammo to us, sir?" Klinger asked.

Hawkeye handed him the receipt and after reading it, Klinger laughed. "thirteen hundred bullets! Can this place get any dumber? What are you going to do, Captain?"

"Save thirteen hundred lives, I hope," Hawkeye said.

Later in the afternoon, B.J. entered the SWAMP and sat on his bunk.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"We got a special delivery while you were in surgery," Hawkeye said as he handed the paper to B.J.

B.J. read it and doubled over in laughter. "Are they kidding? Who the hell would send a MASH unit a load of bullets?"

Hawkeye flipped the blanket off of the boxes next to his bunk to show B.J. that they did indeed receive an order of bullets.

B.J. stopped laughing, stood up and stared at the boxes. "Out of all the boneheaded things I've seen here over the last year and a half.... what made did you sign for it?"

"Hear me out Beej. I mean okay, these are for our own troops, granted. But we've operated on Koreans here too. Both soldiers and civilians. Remember last week's staff meeting when Potter said that North Koreans have been sneaking into camps and stealing our weapons? Well, whoever gets these things, we'll just keeping ourselves in business. Look, the bottom line is that if we get rid of these, we save thirteen hundred lives. And even if these things just wounded people, that's thirteen hundred scars nobody will have to remind them years later that they were here."

B.J. stood up and began pacing the floor. "This is all such a huge, damn waste of time when you think of all the kids we've already operated on over the past year. We've both sent a bunch of those kids back out there!" He pointed angrily in the general direction of the front lines.

B.J. sighed and sat next to Hawkeye. "Will it ever end?" B.J. said gently. "Listen, Hawk, you and I both know there's a factory somewhere back in the states right this minute making hundreds and hundreds of thousands of these things. We're not going to stop the whole war by throwing away thirteen boxes of bullets."

"I know. I know, Beej," Hawkeye yawned as he rubbed his eyes.

"Well, the big question is, where do we hide them?" B.J. asked.

"It's got to be permanent," Hawkeye said. "We can't ever let these fall back into the circulation. But how do you make thirteen boxes of bullets vanish?"

B.J. nodded in agreement. "The ultimate magic trick. What about the minefield?"

"No, the Army would find a way to get them out of there."

"What about the lake or the river we fish in?"

"Not deep enough." Hawkeye said. Then with a giggle, he suddenly stood up and smiled. "What did I say" B.J. asked.

"We're going to put some waste to good use for once."

ONE WEEK LATER....

Potter, an M.P. and the driver who had delivered the ammo entered the SWAMP.

B.J. and Hawkeye were laying in their bunks sipping martini's and listening to music during a rare relaxing afternoon.

"Pierce, I understand you received some supplies last week that we normally don't carry in stock," Potter said.

"Yes, I did Colonel," Hawkeye said truthfully as he sat up. He reached into his footlocker, retrieved the bill and handed to Potter.

"Pierce! You of all people actually signed for this?" Potter couldn't believe what he was reading.

"It couldn't have fallen into better hands, Colonel." B.J. said.

"Figures that Hawkeye would have some help," Potter nodded. "Well, I'm sorry boys, but you'll have to give it all back. They had the driver bring an M.P. along to insure that the ammo is returned intact. The army admits they made a mistake and all they want is their package returned. They have some very serious charges to level against you Pierce, if you don't return their property." Potter paused a moment and got his second wind. "Goodness knows that I'd be the first in line to defend what you did here, but this is a serious charge, Hawkeye. Lord knows you're about a military minded as my dear Aunt Abigail, but a court martial would be the very least of your problems. They could finally throw the book at you and get away with it. Hell, they'll throw an entire library on top of you and there'd be nothing I could ever say that could stop them. You too Hunnicutt. So, fun time is way past over boys. You've made your point. Where'd you hide them, Pierce?"

"Sure thing Colonel. I've already considered all of that. If you folks will follow me," Hawkeye stood up and walked out of the SWAMP with everyone following.

Potter was overflowing with mixed emotions. He knew Hawkeye and couldn't believe that aside from actually signing for the ammo in the first place, he was now going to just show them all where he had hidden it and hand it back to the driver without so much as one flippant remark. He was half hoping that Hawkeye and B.J. would have actually gotten away with destroying the bullets but as they walked across the camp, he couldn't even begin to think of how they could have done it, let alone hoped to have gotten away with it. Hawkeye and B.J. and the entourage that followed them finally stopped at the latrine. Hawkeye opened the latrine door, smiling.

"I'm sorry, colonel," the M.P. said, "but if this is some kind of a joke, you'll see that I'm not laughing. Besides, I already went before I got here."

"Smart man," B.J. said, smiling.

"It's no joke Sergeant," Hawkeye said, pointing. "All 13 boxes are accounted for and their in the latrine."

Potter slowly walked into the latrine and then quickly came back out, "Pierce, would you kindly tell me where in blue blazes the 13 boxes are? I understand your fondness for tom-foolery but theres nothing in the latrine. Now kindly tell me where the ammo ----is." It suddenly occurred to Potter exactly what Hawkeye meant by- in the latrine.

"Colonel, I've never been more serious in my entire Army career," Hawkeye told his commander and friend. "All thirteen boxes are in the latrine. But it shouldn't be that hard to get them out. After all, the standard military latrine hole is only about twelve feet deep."

"And after about a week's worth of use by a camp full of people...." B.J. added.

"And considering just how good our food is here..." Hawkeye said.

"ENOUGH!" Potter yelled. He face barely gave away the fact that he was obviously torn between chewing out his two best doctors and fighting the urge to laugh out loud at one of their all time best anti-war statements.

The M.P. took a flashlight from his jeep and reluctantly stepped into the latrine to see for himself. He came back out and after thinking it over a moment, saluted Potter. "I'm sorry to trouble you, Colonel. It seems that you were right."

"I was?" Potter asked. His mind was racing as to the sudden about- face the M.P. was making.

"The ammo," the M.P. continued, "was brought here by mistake and sometime between delivery last week and sometime today some of the locals broke into your supply shed and stole the ammo. I trust you've done your own investigation." The M.P. was smiling and obviously hoped Colonel Potter would follow his lead.

"I did sergeant," Potter said, quickly getting the M.P.'s message. "Hopefully they'll just do what they usually do, trade it for food or supplies."

"I trust you'll agree that the Army's property was stolen, sergeant?" the M.P. asked the driver.

"I'd rather be busted down to private then pursue this any further," the driver said. Hawkeye and B.J. smiled at each other. Potter was desperately trying to hide his own smile.

"Then, I'm sorry to have bothered you all," the M.P. said. "I'll tell H.Q. you'll be sending a report sometime tomorrow. Right, Colonel?"

"It'll be there in the morning," Potter said, saluting.

The driver walked over to Hawkeye and in a low voice asked, "All thirteen boxes are down there?"

"And nothing but..." Hawkeye smiled. The driver shook his head, saluted Colonel Potter and hurried back to the jeep where the M.P. was waiting. Hawkeye, B.J. and Potter watched the jeep until it rounded a corner and was gone. Then all three of them proceeded to laugh and pat each other on the back.

"Well boys, the only thing I need to say officially is that you'd better get a couple of sledgehammers and bust a hole in the back wall of the supply shed in case those H.Q. boys decide to come back and make sure the misplaced package was indeed, eh, ‘stolen'."

"And unofficially?" Hawkeye asked, smiling.

"Thanks,"Potter said. "Just thanks. From 1,300 casualties you'll never meet."

The End

Afterward:

I wrote this particular story in the late seventies while M*A*S*H was still doing its first run. Never did much more with it than show it to a couple of friends at the time. Now, over twenty five years later, I just recently purchased a few of the DVD boxed sets and I remembered this story and discovered this website. Hope you all enjoy it.

As always, these characters belong to Twentieth Century Fox.

Please feel free to email me with comments or thoughts at sim300300@yahoo.com