Meanwhile, Henry Blake sat in his office filling out papers regarding the last batch of wounded. He now sat in his casual clothing, complete with his favorite fly fishing hat. Scribbling out his name on the last paper he called for Radar, who was already by his side.
"Please, Radar don't do that!" said Henry in a stern voice, which he wished he was giving to his daughter.
"Sorry, sir," smirked Radar "You wanted to see me?" Henry handed Radar the papers.
"All done-" Henry wasn't able to finish his sentence, when a colorfully and boldly dressed Corporal Klinger walked in. He had on a large, tropical headpiece and a brightly hewed flowing dress.
"Holy cow!" cried Radar.
"Klinger, not now!" yelled Henry. Klinger raised his jeweled hand to silence them. He held up in his other hand a long thin wire with something stuck on the end. Henry looked more closely to see it was a piece of meat. Then, taking a lighter out of his dress, he set the small piece of meat on fire.
"What is this, Klinger?" asked Henry.
"I will now perform a painful act," Klinger announced "which will prove to you that I am crazy!"
"Oh, boy." Sighed Radar. In a slow action, the flaming piece of meat was placed to Klinger's lips. He then carefully placed it in his mouth and swallowed.
"Oh! He did it!" cried Radar, covering his eyes. Klinger's eye's then bugged open.
"How'd that feel?" asked Henry in a casual tone. The crazy Corporal grabbed his throat and was able to get out: "Water!"
"Radar, get him to a nurse!" commanded Henry. Radar did as told and as he and Klinger walked out of the office, Hawkeye and Trapper walked in.
"Henry," said Hawkeye "we have a problem."
"Isn't there any peace in this camp?" Henry asked rhetorically. Trapper went to Henry's liquor cabinet.
"Not while there's a war on, Henry." Said Trapper as he took out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey.
"We have two missing wounded." Informed Hawkeye.
"Missing?" asked Henry in surprise.
"They're neither reported wounded or deceased." Said Trapper, handing a glass of whiskey to Hawkeye.
"By army record, of course." Stated Hawkeye.
"Well, I don't know," admitted Henry "maybe they made a mistake." Trapper turned to Hawkeye.
"That can happen you know." He said.
"Yeah," continued Hawkeye "they made Frank a surgeon." Henry was about to yell again when Radar walked in, back from his trip with Klinger.
"Sir," said Radar to Henry "General Clayton is on the phone." Quickly, Henry picked it up.
"Hello, General," said Henry into the phone "we're doing OK...oh, I see...we'll get right on it, General," at this point Henry was giving a strange look to the doctor's drinking his booze, "Goodbye, General." Henry hung up and put his hands on his hips. "That was just General Clayton, he says that HQ has a chopper and pilot MIA and possibly wounded." The Colonel explained. Hawkeye and Trapper looked at each other. Henry looked down to Radar, who was standing near by. "Radar." Said Henry.
"Yes, sir?" asked Radar.
"Call a meeting, ASAP." Commanded Henry. Radar went off to rally the doctors, chief nurse and camp priest. Within five minutes they were all in Henry's office, ready for an official staff meeting. Radar was asked to call role call, and he did.
"General MacArthur?" Radar called off his clipboard. They all looked at him in confusion.
"He's been at the latrine since the war started." Said Hawkeye. Radar shuffled through his paper as Frank and 'Hot Lips' Houlihan glared at the wisecracking doctor. Radar called the correct role and the meeting began. Henry began to explain the problem:
"HQ has a chopper missing that was heading to our camp. It was carrying two wounded, probably a Private Thomson and Corporal Lee," Henry looked at Hawkeye and Trapper to make sure he got the names right. He did and continued. "The army says they're near the front lines, and because the North recently won, they're probably behind enemy lines. They were part of the company that was hit at the lines and treated here. HQ has issued search parties to find them but they said if we can spare the time they want help."
"Why us?" asked Hot Lips.
"Because we're the closest M*A*S*H and we treated the rest of the men." Answered Henry.
"I don't see why we have to help if there are search parties." Observed Frank. Hawkeye turned to him.
"Frank," he said, " the parties are regular companies, if they find them are they going to treat the wounds with their rifles?"
"Companies have medics!" yelled Frank to Hawkeye.
"Yeah," joined in Trapper, "but, field medics are just trained to patch up wounds and administer morphine. There's no way they will be able to treat serious wounds. The chopper probably crashed!" Frank crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair.
"I still don't think if we should go." He said.
"Neither do I." Spoke Hot Lips. Hawkeye gave a disgusted look.
"There's a surprise." He said.
"I think if we can be of help then we should do it." Said the Father.
"I'm with Father." Announced Hawkeye.
"Me too." Said Trapper. Hot Lips shook her head.
"If they're behind enemy lines they're probably captured." She added.
"Not if the enemy doesn't know their there." Countered Trapper.
"Enough!" called Henry. They all looked up at him, waiting for what their leader had to say, and waited...and waited.
"Well, what Henry?" asked Trapper. The Colonel shrugged.
"You guys were arguing and I thought it would be 'Colonel-ish' to stop it." Admitted Henry. Frank and Hot Lips gave a disgusted look.
"How about a vote?" suggested Father.
"That's the ticket father," said Henry "we are here fighting for democracy."
"I'm here for the wardrobe." Hawkeye stuck in. Henry brushed off the comment and called for a vote.
"All those in favor of helping?" The Father, Hawkeye and Trapper raised their hands. "It's settled then," decided Henry "Radar get a bus." Radar went off.
"This is outrageous!" cried Hot Lips as she left the room. Frank got up and looked at Henry.
"I agree!" he yelled and followed Major Houlihan.
Both Majors headed to Hot Lips' tent, they only place they could meet in private. Frank sat on Maj. Houlihan's cot while she stormed around the room.
"Can you believe those idiots, Frank?" she asked. He was silent. "I mean, who do they think they are, rushing over enemy lines to help wounded that are probably already dead or captured?" Frank still stood silent, staring straight ahead. "Frank are you listening?" He jumped up, startled.
"Oh, yes, cupcake." He said.
"What's wrong?" she asked. Frank stood up.
"Maybe I should go with them." He said. Hot Lips eyes widened and she rushed at Frank, grabbing his shoulders.
"Frank, you can't be serious!" He broke away from her and walked around the tent, looking at the ground.
"Well," he began in a timid voice, "promotions are coming up and this mission could make me a Colonel." His voice suddenly became more confident. "Then I would have control of the outfit, I'd shape it up, make it strictly military." He paused and reached for his gun, which was at his side. "Plus it might give me a chance to bag a few commies!"
"But Frank, it's dangerous!" Hot lips cried. He put his gun back in its holster.
"I have to go get my gear, Margaret." Frank quickly left for the Swamp.
Outside the Swamp, Hawkeye and Trapper were busy packing a jeep that they would use on the mission. No bus was available so a jeep must be used. They were given a phone to radio HQ if they found anything and a chopper would be sent out to find them. Henry and Radar were also present, making sure the two doctors were ready for the trip.
"I can't believe Frank!" complained Henry "Sometimes I think he's only here to get away from his wife!"
"Don't worry about Frank," said Trapper as he packed his medical bag, "he just has a will to survive and irritate more people."
"I don't like the odds," continued Henry, "there could be three possible wounded and you are only two doctors."
"So if we had Frank we would be two and one-third doctors." Said Hawkeye, putting on his helmet. Just then, Frank approached with his gear ready and Hot Lips hurrying behind him, with a distressed look on her face. Henry turned around to see them.
"Colonel," started Frank, "I'm here to participate in this dangerous mission." Hawkeye and Trapper who were in the jeep, smiled.
"All right, Frank. Good, get in the back." Said Henry, a little more relieved. The Colonel then took out a large map and laid it out on the hood. "This red square is where HQ says the chopper probably is." Said Henry pointing. "It stretches from...uh...Koomuhwa-"
"Kumhwa." Corrected Radar. Henry gave Radar an icy look. He continued.
"Chorwon." Corrected Radar again. Henry turned to Radar again.
"Radar, it isn't that I can't pronounce the names if the villages, it's just that I can't say them!" yelled Henry.
"Yes, sir." Said Radar.
"Anyway," Henry said, giving the map to Trapper "You guys know what to do." Henry shook his head. "The odds still don't look that good. What if you guys need surgical assistance?"
"I don't think we can fit anyone else." Said Hawkeye.
"Radar," spoke Henry "go get Corporal Klinger." Radar ran off.
"Not that pervert!" protested Frank, not aware that Father Mulcahy was now standing near the jeep. Then Burns saw him. "Oh, sorry Father."
"I just came by to Bless the mission." Said Father.
"Oh, Father, that's very...holy of you." Commented Henry. Radar showed up with Klinger, who was wearing his regular Corporal uniform with a red scarf and earrings.
"Oh, brother," mumbled Frank.
"How do we feel, Klinger." Asked Henry. Klinger put his hand to his chest.
"I have terrible heartburn, sir." He replied.
"Very well, you'll be sitting in the back with Major Burns." Directed the Colonel. "He'll brief you on the mission." In the back, Frank grunted. So the four of them put on their helmets and the Father began the Blessing.
"Oh, Lord please protect these doctors of mercy on their mission to save others in need. Let them be successful and return them home quickly. Amen." Spoke the Father. Klinger turned to the Father.
"Father, I'm Atheist." Said Klinger.
"Oh!" mumbled the Father in surprise. "Then good luck, Klinger."
"Thanks, Padre." Thanked Klinger. Hawkeye started the jeep.
"Be careful, Frank!" cried Hot Lips.
"Farewell to all!" said Hawkeye and sped out of the compound. Henry, Hot Lips, Father and Radar waved goodbye.