Part 9 - Hawkeye’s thoughts

Author's note: Another sad chapter...I got a little teary eyed writing this.

Seeing an abandoned hut along the side of the road, Hawkeye decided to take a break from his road trip. He sat down on the hard ground and leaned against the wall, pressing his knees against his chest. The sunlight shone brightly through the open window, hurting his eyes. He neither cared nor attempted to shield his eyes. His lack of sleep, depression, and grief produced rapid and disturbing thoughts

I don’t want to go home. Home. What’s this war come to when I start referring to the swamp as home? I’m even more messed up than I thought. That’s a mistake I’ll never make again, trust and believe. Home is where the heart is . Home is where your family and friends are...your friends...but my friends are here...what is a friend, anyway? Am I a friend? I’m certainly no one I’d want to be associated with.

First do no harm. That’s the first thing we learn in medical school. Tell that to Radar.

And now look what’s happened to me. I’ve killed Radar. Everyone knows that. No one will come out and say that out loud but you can see it in their eyes. Between the pity and the contempt I don’t know which is worse. Even B.J. treats me like I’m a child. He’s always asking me how I’m doing, as if he can’t see how I’m doing. I know he means well. Normally he can read my mind. I’m glad he can’t read my mind right now. He seems to be the only friend I have left in this world even though he knows the truth about how I sent Radar off to his death. All B.J. wants to do is talk to me but I can’t stand the sound of my voice. As a matter of fact I can’t stand the thoughts in my head but I can’t seem to turn them off. I’d give anything to make them go away, even for a minute. I even think when I sleep.

Radar’s been the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. In between I think about my Mom, Tommy, and Henry. I can’t stop thinking about them. I always wondered what my mom would be like if she’d gotten a chance to live a long life. I wonder how she’d deal with me being over here. I’m sure Dad would be a great source of comfort. That’s the kind of guy he is. Sometimes I get scared that I can’t remember too much about her. Not as much as I’d like to. There’s just not enough time. Just ask Henry. He didn’t have enough time with his family. He was a day away from being with his family. And yet he went and got himself killed. Why did you do it, Henry? Why did you leave us so soon?

Radar would still be with us if he hadn’t listened to good old Hawkeye-the man who can solve anyone’s problems. You just know that’s what they think when they look at me. And can you blame them? When I look in the mirror that’s what I see. I used to feel pretty darn proud of the man in the mirror. I thought, okay, here’s a man who knows what he’s doing. Maybe not Albert Einstein, but no Frank Burns. I use my hands. I use my brain. I tell my patients what to do. I tell my nurses what do to. Heck, I used to tell Henry what to do all the time. But I tell Radar what to do and look what happens.....

And there’s my dad. What am I supposed to tell my dad? That his son’s not the man he used to be? If I can’t recognize myself, how in the world will my dad know me? What’s going to happen to the pride my dad used to feel for me...will that disappear, too? I can’t honestly picture looking my dad in the eye right now. My own dad...my hero...the man who taught me everything I know... if he only knew what I’ve become.

What have I become? When did I become so irresponsible that I thought a man should drop everything for a little fun? The worst part about what I told Radar is that he did exactly what I would have done...except I wouldn’t have had to leave the comforts of my own home. All he wanted was something I take for granted. He wanted to be like me...why...why me? Why couldn’t he have picked someone else...like Colonel Potter. Or B.J. Yes, B.J. would have been the perfect choice. A good, solid man. A family man. B.J tried to tell him to wait. B.J. tried to warn him...but no, Radar had to listen to me.

But Radar did have his first pick of a hero, and it wasn’t me. But Henry left us too soon. Why do the good have to die? My head knows that war claims the good and the bad, the innocent and the villains alike. I lost Tommy...and then Henry...and now Radar...How many more am I going to lose? How many more men have to die in this blasted war? And for what?

I couldn’t save Tommy. He was right there in front of me and I watched him die. And Radar...I tried to save him. Henry was hundreds of miles away and there was nothing I could do for him. Death surrounds me and what can I do? In the end I can’t save the ones I love. If I could just have one more day with all of them I would do everything in my power to save them. I would have changed the title of Tommy’s book. I would have let Henry help us with that wounded. Five minutes might have changed everything. Isn’t that how life works...Everything changes in five minutes? Shoot, everything changes in five seconds. And Radar...well I would have told him to find another hero.

Part 10

Finally the emotionally exhausted driver of the jeep pulled over to the middle of the road.

“Where have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you!” Klinger, clad in his black mourning dress and veil, ran over to a disheveled Hawkeye.

The captain averted his eyes and kept on walking. If he heard the corporal, he gave no indication whatsoever.

“Captain, I really think you should see Colonel Potter. Everyone’s been asking about you. I know it’s none of my business but I hate to see you get in trouble...” the well-meaning man said.

Hawkeye stopped dead in his tracks and looked Klinger square in the eyes for a moment. Mere inches separated the two men and for a minute Klinger feared for his safety. He’d seen that look in a man’s eyes only once, from a man back in Toledo. Old man Bensonhaver had came back from the second war early, only to find his wife with the next door neighbor. Everyone said the war made him turn crazy, but Klinger always felt that it was love that turned him that way. Up until he himself went to war. But here was the most respected man around town with that same look of sadness and emptiness and Klinger just didn’t know what to do.

“Don’t waste your time worrying about me. I’m not worth it.” Hawkeye finally said before turning away.

Hawkeye finally made it back to the swamp, after avoiding the hellos of a few nurses. Much to his chagrin Charles was not only playing his record music but was also singing along to it. B.J. was busy writing, safely presumably to Peg and Erin.

“Knock it off, will ya.” Hawk scowled at Charles.

“My, my, aren’t we in a pleasant mood today?”

“That’s pretty tactless, even for you.” B.J. interjected. “You’ve been listening for awhile now. Couldn’t you give it a rest now?”

“I heard no complaint until your friend marched in here. And that is no sufficient reason for me to surrender my music. Therefore, the music continues.” Charles continued to move his fingers along in rhythm with the tune, shutting his eyes in the process.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me! I said knock it off!” Hawkeye walked over and grabbed the record and threw it at the major.

“Captain, you’re forgetting your place!” Charles stood up to face his roommate.

“My place? My place? My place is a thousand miles away from this hell hole where a guy can go wear a pair of blue jeans if he wants to and not shave for a month. He can go to a restaurant and pick out the biggest and fattest lobster and go back twice in one day if he so desires. A man can sleep in until noon without having some bozo play music at ungodly levels-don’t think that doesn’t bother me just because I let it slide. My place is not playing camp babysitter and it’s sure not watching every man and their brother get their insides blow to kingdom come. Don’t you dare sit there with your presumptuous proboscis and presume to tell me where my place is!”

B.J. watched as Charles looked away nervously, not sure what to make of Hawkeye.

Finally Hawkeye, after a long moment of staring contemptuously at Charles, made his way over to grab a glass of alcohol.

Charles wisely decided to grab a few of his belongings and leave for a while. He was getting hungry, anyways.

“There goes the king of tact.” B.J. commented.

“Yeah. He forgot to take his record player. Maybe we should ship it out to him.” Hawkeye stood up and started to walk over towards it. B.J. walked over and protected it.

“Come on. Let’s go have that drink. I haven’t had one in forever. Like a half-hour. My liver’s starting to go on strike.”

“Who were you writing to? Peg?” Hawk sat down on the side of his bed.

B.J. smiled. “Yeah. She did the cutest thing. She had Erin write me a letter. It was all scribbles of course. But she put her hand and foot print on it. She’s growing up too fast. Wanna see?” He held up the letter?

“No. All kids are good for are growing up and making dumb decisions. They either rebel and get themselves into a bad situation like getting themselves knocked up or locked up, or they listen to you and go off and get themselves killed. Kids for you.”

B.J. looked away, uncomfortably. “Listen, Hawk...I saw Sidney today...”

“Oh no...not you, too. Don’t you start! I don’t want to hear it from you. I could expect to hear it from the Father or the Colonel. But not from you? Talk, talk, talk. That’s all they want you to do around here. But if I hadn’t have talked than...just forget it. You’re supposed to be my friend. You know exactly what happened the last time I talked. And know you want me to open my trap again! Well you can just forget about it. I thought you were better than the rest of them. I thought you were my friend. Now you think I’m off my rocker, don’t you?”

“I didn’t say that. Everyone needs someone to talk to. I’ve been talking to Father Mulcahy. I’m not done talking with him. I’m so tore up about Radar I can’t even see straight. I’m the first to admit this. I know you have got to be...”

“You don’t know how I’m feeling. No one knows how I’m feeling. One minute I’m sitting here laughing and joking and carrying on with my life and the next minute....tell me something, Beej. Are your parents still alive?”

He nodded.

“How many friends of yours died?”

“One-Radar..And it hurts like you ...”

“Try three. So don’t tell me you know how I feel. I hear doctors saying that to their patients all the time. ‘You lost a leg son. I’m sorry, I know how you feel.’ You just don’t ever know how someone else feels. So what’s the point of talking to someone? No one can ever know how you can feel?”

“Hawk...it’s me you’re talking to. I do know how you’re feeling about Radar. I knew him and felt the same way about him as you did. So we’re really not that different there. And no, I don’t know how you’re feeling about your friends and your mother. I’m so sorry you lost them. That’s why I think talking to Sidney might help. I am not implying anything. He’s just good at helping people deal with this sort of stuff. I’m not. Remember when I first got here, and when I first saw those dead men on the field? I couldn’t handle it. I got physically sick. You were the one to help me. I just think maybe you need someone to help you right now. You didn’t look down on me for needing help. You just picked me up and kept going. It’s what we do. It’s time to let us help you.”

“Well you’re wrong. I don’t need any help. And I don’t need you.”

With that, Hawkeye stood up and grabbed his pillow and blanket. He didn’t even look back as he left the swamp. He would sleep in the supply room if he needed to. All he wanted to do was be left alone, and he would find a way to do it.