by Nikki Haan
Writers note: For I do not own all the characters of M*A*S*H please do not sue! I just like writing stories! And email me on any comments! Email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Characters: Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Corporal Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly, Lieutenant Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy , Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger , Major Frank Marion "Ferret Face" Burns , Captain John Francis Xavier "Trapper" McIntyre , Lt. Colonel Henry Braymore Blake , Nurse Bayliss , Nurse Breslin , Nurse Cutler , Nurse Dish , Nurse Kelley , Nurse Baker , Nurse Anderson , And last but not lest Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan
The golden sun rises on a spring day at the 4077th, when all over the compound a voice rang " Attention, attention incoming wounded. Its time to wake up from your dream and into the nightmare! Ambulances in the compound and helicopters on the landing pads. Both shifts on the double!"
Hawkeye grunted and got up and Trapper was still asleep. " Hey Trapp get up," Hawk said throwing a pillow at him.
Trapper awoke and threw the pillow back as hawk was getting on foot in a boot! "We got wounded, lets move!"
"I'm up, I'm up! "
"This one goes in first ...Trapp come look at this one!" Hawk yelled to Trapper while in the ambulance!
"What?" Trapper replied.
"I don't think he's going to make it. Look at his chest? His is almost gone. " Hawk said as pulling back the solder's bandage.
Trapper sighted, " Your right. Radar!"
"Yes sir? " Radar said as he was just behind Trapper.
"Get this one out of here! He isn't going to make it! And get Father Mulcahy to give him his last rights," Trapp said as he moved out of the ambulance to the solders that were coming in from the jeeps that were just up at the pad.
"Get this one in now! " Henry yelled!
"This is one is in shock! Move...." Frank yelled as Father Mulcahy bumped in to him " ... oh sorry Father"
"That's okay my son!" Father said as he moved out of Burns's way
After 12 hours of surgery Trapper and Hawkeye made their way out of the O.R, " Oh my back is sore!" Hawkeye mumbled.
"Want to go to the swamp and get a drink?" Trapper asked.
"Any place is fine by me." Henry said underlined by a yawn.
"Sir, Colonel sir!" Radar yelled as running up to Henry!
"What is it Radar?" Henry said as he Hawk, and Trapp turned around to see what Radar had to say.
"News from H.Q." Radar said
"And that would be?" Hawkeye wanted to know what else Radar had up his uniform.
"There will be no wounded for about a week! " Radar almost yelled with glee!
"Well get that over the intercom!" Henry ordered!
"Radar where are those forms?" Henry said as getting a drink from his liquor cabinet in his office.
"Right here, sir ..." Radar said
"And the one you wanted for that three day pass " Radar and Henry both said as double talk!
"Thanks Radar." Henry said as signing all of the forms for him to take off to Soul.
"Will that be all, sir?" Radar asking as he is handed back the forms that Henry had just signed.
"Oh, will you inform Burns that he will be in command?" Henry inquired.
"Sir?" Radar said as he opened the door to The Swamp.
"What do you want Corporal?" Frank said in his usual tone when Radar came in the Swamp.
"Sir, the Colonel told me to tell you that you will be in charge when the Colonel is gone to Soul." Radar told him.
"What do you mean he is in charge?" Hawkeye yelled.
"That's what the Colonel said! " Radar responded
"You mean Henry put Ferret Face in charge?" Trapper said looking up from a letter from his wife. He had read it for the 10th time.
"That's what he said is in it? " Frank snorted.
"You have to be joking Radar! " Hawk said as he took another sip of his Martini.
"Look I am just the massager. So don't shoot me because of it!" Radar said as he sneaked out the door.
"I am going to do something about this! I am talking to Henry before he goes." Hawk said as he sat down his glass.
"Henry? I thought you said you were going to do something about this!" Trapp replied.
"Henry what are you doing putting Ferret Face in charge?" Trapper asked as he followed Hawkeye in.
"Look it will be only for a few days before I come back. I think you can handle it. Cant you?" Henry said as he was signing the last form requiring that Major Frank Burns will be in charge for 3 days. " Is that it Radar?"
"Yes sir." Radar said as he packed up the forms and went in to file them.
"Henry are you crazy?" Hawkeye asked.
"Look you can handle it. I am heading out to Soul for R and R and that's that." Henry stated.
"You know what happened last time you put Burns in charge?" Trapper asked.
"Yes but I don't care. Now I will be on my way." Henry said leaving his office and head out to the jeep that would take him to Soul. It was already packed and read to go. Hawk and Trapper followed
"Is that all sir?" Radar asked helping him into the jeep.
"Make sure Frank doesn't do anything stupid." Henry imposed.
Henry tapped on the drivers shoulder to ell him to head off.
"Guess where going to have too put up with Ferret Face and Hot Lips." Trapper said standing my Hawk and Radar. He pointed at Frank and Margaret who were walking down the compound ready to be in charge.
"Frank, you're really in charge of the Camp?" Margaret said as she tried keeping up with him.
Klinger walks into Henry's office. Now to the camp it will be known as the Major's office.
"Majors sir and ma'am. Corporal Klinger I'm section 8 head to toe! I'm wearing a Wonder Bra, I play with dolls, and my last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm a nut I should be out! " Klinger said wearing one of his Gone With The Wind outfit from the Klinger Collection!
"Klinger! Get out!" Major Houlihan screamed.
"I missed you."
"No! Get out!" Frank ordered.
"Its about my heart mummer!"
"No!" Houlihan yelled. " Out!"
"My double vision is coming back! And I think I am in love with one of Radar's rabbits." Klinger paused " sir."
"Get out, Get out, and Get out! Margaret's voice became louder and louder.
"Fine Major but don't come to me for any thing!" Klinger stormed out.
"Oh and Klinger. You forgot your purse," Frank said throwing it at him!
Klinger was in Rosie's bar when Hawkeye and Trapper came in, and sat down with Klinger. " Hey what's wrong Klinger?" Trapp asked.
"Oh you cant get anywhere with those Majors. I tried to talk to them like I do with the Colonel and they threw my purse at me when I left!" Klinger replied.
"Wowa, and I thought I didn't want Ferret Face and Hot Lips in charge I guess I am not alone!" Trapper said.
"Hey, is that what I am too you?" Hawk said in a joking tone.
"Oh Hawk that's okay you keep me entertained when you sleep! At least you don't snore like Frank does!" Trapper joked
"Gee thanks!" Hawk replied
"Hey, Klinger you want another beer? I am buying one round at this table!" Trapper said!
"Only one?" Klinger asked
"Yes only one!" Trapper said as he got up to get the drinks, " Hawk what do you want?"
"Hey Rosie, " Trapper said as he sat on the stool.
"What will it be?" Rosie questioned.
"3 beers please!" Trapper smiled.
"Who's tab?" Rosie asked
"You know who's!"
"Frank Burns? "
Trapper smiled and grabbed the 3 bears and headed to the table Hawk and Klinger were sitting at.
"Here ya go!" Trapper handed out the beers and then sat down himself.
"You know something with this man's army. You have to think up crazy stuff to get out of this army. I am almost stumped on what to think of next." Klinger sighed.
"Oh, Klinger you shouldn't give up hope. And I must say, blue is your color!" Hawk gestured.
"Thanks, does this mean were going steady? " Klinger asked
"Sorry princess you're not my type!" Hawk shot back
The whole table laughed at Hawk's comment!
"I think it's getting late, I'm tired I think I am going to go back to the Swamp and hit the sack!" Trapper said with a yawn after he finished.
"Okay I will see ya there" Hawk replied as he took a drink of his beer.
"Night Captain," Klinger responded.
As Trapper approached the Swamp, Trapper saw that Radar was in there. Trapper opened the door and Radar turned around, " Uh, Trapper I have something I need to tell you and Hawk." Radar sputtered.
"What is it Radar?" Trapper said walking up to him.
"Its Major Burns, he is planning a surprise inspection."
"What's inspection?" Trapper joked as he pored a drink for himself, "want one Radar?"
"No sir, I have to go, and redo all the daily reports. He's turning the camp up side down." Radar replied as he left.
Trapper set down the Martini and undressed. As he put on his robe Hawkeye entered.
"Hey Hawk you will never believe the little tip that Radar just told me before you came in." Trapper said as he pored Hawk a Martini.
"Let me think it has something to do with two Majors that are in the compound?" Hawk said as he undressed and got into his robe.
"Yep and they plan on having a surprise inspection."
"That is something they do in the army!"
"What does that have to do with us?" Hawk laughed as he sat down to have Frank come in.
"Hi Frank." Trapper said.
"Good evening Frank," Hawk responded
"Wouldn't you like to know," Frank shot back!
"What's wrong Frank?" Trapper asked.
"Nothing' that's any of your business!" Frank said as he took off his boots.
"Aw Frank had a busy day and want to go to sleep Hawk." Trapper said as he pored himself another drink.
Frank woke up just as the sun rose and sneaked out of the Swamp into Henry's office to get ready for the surprise inspection.
"Good morning Major Houlihan, " Frank said as he greeted her.
"Good morning Major Burns, ready for the inspection?" Houlihan, asked.
"Yes Major." Frank replied, as he let Margaret pass him as they set out to the Swamp for the surprise inspection.
"Corporal come with us!" Margaret ordered.
"Yes sir, I mean Ma'am!" Radar complied. And they all set off to the Swamp.
Radar ran ahead of them to wake up Hawk and Trapp before the Majors entered, "Hawk, Trapper wake up they are planning on inspecting right now!" Radar shook hawk and Trapper and they awoke.
"Were up Radar!" Trapper moaned
Just then Frank and Houlihan walked in to the Swamp.
"Condition of this tent, is a disgraces!" Frank said as he and Margaret walked around.
"Yeah well it does have that lived in look. " Trapper said.
"Actually it is modeled on the Chicago Sewer system we saw in a magazine once!" Hawk replied!
"And look at all of you!" Margaret pointed out
"Unshaven, out of uniform! " Frank finished her sentence
"Yes but with a song in our hearts frank!"
"Radar did you get all of that?" Houlihan asked
"Yes Ma'am "
"Lets move on then shall we?" Frank asked
"Please Frank we need our beauty sleep!" Trapper joked
Trapper was on shift in Post-Op when Frank came in to talk to him. " What is it Frank?" Trapper asked.
"Captain John McIntyre you will be placed on 12 hour shifts here in Post-op until further notice." Frank ordered.
"What? You cant do that." Trapper said out raged.
"I am in charge here and you will be on duty for 12 hour shifts and that is an order Captain!" Frank said as he walked out, " And your shift starts at Noon to Midnight McIntyre "
"Great, just great I was just about to relieved and now I am on for another 12 hours. How am I going to get any sleep?" Trapper asked Nurse Kelley just as Hawkeye came in.
"I don't know sir. But I am going to get some coffee do you want any?" Kelley asked.
"Yeah I am going to need it!" Trapper replied.
"Trapper I am here to relieve you," Hawk told Trapp.
"Good luck I just got informed by Ferret Face that I am on for another 12 plus 12 hour shifts tell further..."
Trapper was just about to finish his sentence to interrupted by Radar's voice over the PA system. " Captain Pierce and McIntyre report to Major Burns's Office on the double, sorry sirs but I think its bad news!"
"Even better!" Hawkeye added
"Major Burns and Houlihan, Captains Pierce and McIntyre are here to see you." Radar said as Pierce and McIntyre entered.
"What do you want Frank?" Hawkeye asked.
"I want you two to know you both are on 12 hour shift tell further notice. You will be trading shifts."
"You cant do that. It inhuman" Trapper said out raged
"I am ..." Frank got interrupted.
"He is in charge McIntyre!" Houlihan added
"Look Hot Lips, this is inhuman, how are we going to be on 12 hour shifts?" Hawk asked
"You will be and that is an order!" Frank told them.
"You are dismissed Captains." Margaret said in a settle tone.