by James Faraci
It had been a one year since "Trapper" John and Major (Now Lieutenant Colonel) Burns had left the 4077th. B.J. Hunnicutt, "Hawkeye" Pierce, Major Winchester were feeling dead on arrival after another 23 hour shift. When all of a sudden a jeep drove into camp with a horn blasting. Hawkeye being extremely tired said "Unless you're about to drop dead knock it off." Then he heard a voice he never thought he'd hear again said "Hey Hawk, is that any way to talk to your bud?" Hawkeye all of a sudden with a burst of energy yelled "Trap, you old son of a gun, what's going on?" Another voice he'd hope he'd never hear again said "Well, besides being the ambassadors of new medical treatments we're here on a tour to help you gutter rats get some what more Americanized." B.J. said "Why are you back my headaches were just starting to end?" Hawkeye said "Uh-Oh, better warn Winchester that the reason he's here is here. Charles, hey Charles how about a trip to the O-Club or Maybe Rosie's, your treat though." Charles said "Pierce, you've made several requests for me to become "One of your drinking buddies", however you will fail. Who are the two new guys, maybe I can civilize them before you go near them." Hawkeye said "Charles, CHARLES!" Major Winchester said "Greetings to the lowest form of medicine doings. Maybe you'll be glad when you get out of here. I am Major Charles Emerson Winchester the third" Trapper said " Pleased to meet you Chuck. John McIntyre." Frank Burns said "You'd better be ready to salute a superior officer the name is Lieutenant Colonel Frank Burns." Major Winchester said "Frank Burns, the psychopath who avoided a section eight and caused me to be stuck in this wretched hellhole." Hawkeye said "Trap, B.J. we have to hold back the Boston Brahma Bull." Trapper said "Why should I?" Hawkeye said "Would you rather see a murder happen?" Major Winchester said "No need, I can hold my own for now." All of a sudden Colonel Potter and Margaret saw the carousing. Colonel Potter said "Well the prodigal children have returned. It's Frank Burns and you are ?" Hawkeye said "Oh sorry John Francis Xavier McIntyre meet Colonel Sherman Potter. Henry's replacement." Trapper said "Well Sherman, it's a pleasure to meet you." Margaret said "How are you doing McIntyre?" Trapper said "Good, hey, heard from "Ferret Face" you got married, who's the unfortunate schmuck." Margaret said "You're talking about my Ex-Husband Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott." Frank smiled greedily. Margaret said "OH-NO you made your bed when you went AWOL so no dice!"
Colonel Potter said "I didn't know you two were coming. KLINGER!" Corporal Klinger said exhausted "Yes sir?" Frank Burns said "Where's O'Reilly " Hawkeye said "Radar had personal problems. His Uncle died, and then he filed a hardship discharge to get home." Frank said "Well at least he isn't in those dresses, good work Colonel." Klinger said "Very funny, do you know what it's like with the weight of the world on your shoulders." Major Winchester said "Tell Me Where do you hale from, where were you educated ?" Trapper said "Boston University, and there was a little surprise where I moved to this quiet little town outside of San Francisco." B.J. Asked "Would the place be called Mill Valley?" Trapper said "Yeah there are these two people called Erin and Peg. I'm sure you might not have heard of them, the Hunnicutts." B.J. replied "That's my wife and kid we're practically neighbors." Frank said "That's nice, I am from Indiana." Major Winchester said "Probably the tallest stalk of corn in your class." Frank said "Oh another degenerate like these three vagabonds." Major Winchester said "Hardly, I am a highly honored graduate of Harvard." Soon after the get together the speaker said "Attention all personnel, Sorry to interrupt the get together but we got wounded." Trapper said "Now you'll get to see us in action." Hawkeye said "Just like old times" So the new and old guard went to action Frank asked for a vascular clamp. He got it and let the poor nurse have it. Frank said "I asked for a clamp." Major Winchester said "May I ?" Frank said "Better than the help I have now." Major Winchester said "Are you sure you need a clamp. What you might need is.." Frank quickly defended himself by saying "Listen, you might've gone to an Ivy League school, but I'm a lieutenant colonel so what I says goes, got that." Hawkeye said "He might be a major, however this is a Ripley's thing he's smarter than you." Frank trying to make up the ultimate quick wit said "Oh yuckity, yuck, yuck." Klinger came in and said "Two more, who's got free tables." Trapper said "I'm free" B.J. Said "Me too." Major Winchester soon after the 48 hour shift was in post-op helping the nurses. Meanwhile Hawkeye, Trapper, B.J. and Frank were back at the swamp. Hawkeye said while inhaling a martini "You know something, I've got a few bones to pick with you trap, I mean you leave without saying goodbye, you could've waited until I got back from R & R." Trapper said "Listen, I can't control what the army does and when it does it.s job right. Hmm, good stuff from the still" B.J. Said "Correction, The New & Improved Still." Trapper said "What did you do to our still?" Hawkeye said "Well, It was Colonel Potter who thought of the foil and heat, And Beej here that rebuilt it from the remains and Klinger who got the parts."
Trapper said "What did you do to our still?" B.J. said "Well remember when Hawk said Radar went back to Iowa, well me and Klinger got upset for our own reasons, Klinger because of being overworked and me because Radar went home, met my wife and kid, my kid calls Radar "Daddy" and so he and I go into a drunken stupor. First I smash the still, then smash Hawkeye in the eye and when I reached Colonel Potter's Liquor cabinet, then finally let it out, saying I hated Radar for being home and you and I didn't know you then." Trapper said "Listen Beej, You mind if I call you that?" B.J. said "No, Not at all" Trapper said "Well, Being home means basically your no longer in any trouble. When Me and the family moved to Mill Valley, we felt we were welcomed, we belonged." Frank tried to get into the conversation by saying "For the life of me I'll never understand why I'll never belong." Hawkeye said "Well Frank, it's simple your reasoning is not that of anyone's." Charles soon walked in with Colonel Potter. Colonel Potter said "Hate to break up this therapy session, but one of you is needed in post-op." Hawkeye said "I'd like to do that, B.J. and Trapper need to get to know one another better." Colonel Potter "Not to pry, but how did he get the name "Trapper"." Trapper said "Well, before I got married, I could trap girls like no tomorrow." Colonel Potter said "I get it." Later after lights-out Trapper John McIntyre was mumbling then screamed, scaring his friends B.J. and Hawkeye. Charles said, Half Angrily and Half tired, "What was that ungodly caterwauling?" Trapper said "Sorry, I just had a nightmare." Hawkeye said "Well go back to sleep, without 15 minutes of shuteye, Hawkeye goes cuckoo." B.J. said "Go back to bed, I need sleep." The next day Trapper and Frank were at the mess hall line getting maggoty bread and sulfuric orange juice. Frank said "Was it that dream that I discharged you for?" Trapper said "Yeah, I couldn't believe it when I heard from Radar about Henry's death, and Hawkeye couldn't be there to console me. I was barely keeping it together." Just then Father Mulcahy came into the mess tent. Father Mulcahy said "It's so good to see you two again although it is for a small amount of time." Trapper said "Thanks for the welcome, Padre." Just as soon as Frank Burns sat down Major Winchester yelled "You, you, you Cadaverous Neanderthal." Frank smirked and said "I've got no idea what he's talking about." Hawkeye came to the table and said "What's going on it's been twenty four hours since they stopped off and willingly walked back into the grinder we commonly know as the Korean conflict. Or in the words of our esteemed guest "How to kill a country's history, culture and civilization with the red, white, blue & Uncle Sam."
Frank said "Well then at least that way we know whose dominant country and what our country has as the ultimate symbol of patriotism." Major Winchester said "I don't know how in the world you became a multiple cellular organism let alone a doctor or in any case a Lieutenant Colonel. Allow me to explain while I was on Post-Op duty last night your patient went into shock after finding several pieces of shrapnel in the poor kid's stomach as well as a bullet just an inch short of paralyzing him, fortunately I decided to scrub up and work on cleaning up your mess, Ferret Face, however that is not my biggest pain in my back, the biggest problem was that you placed my classic albums next to the garbage can to be used for military purposes and what I heard coming out of my phonograph was propaganda with the note marked "To be played everyday." on a recording of the National Anthem." Frank said "So what, Do they mean "I'm Proud of America." Major Winchester said "Listening to that pro-patriotic dribble, makes me vomit. Listening to my music reminds me there is culture, sophistication, and beauty in this god-forsaken land. My apologies Father." Father Mulcahy said "Apology accepted, Major." Major Winchester said "Although there is nothing wrong with being patriotic, there is a time and place for it, but not Twenty-Four hours a day, Seven days a week." Colonel Potter said "Morning boys, so what's the latest hub-bub?" Hawkeye said "Well between Trapper waking us up in the middle of the night, Charles' manifesto of as to why he and Frank Burns will never be able to work together again. Everything seems hunky-dory." Colonel Potter said "Well, that explains why I was woken up in the middle of the night, last night. Now what's the beef between Charles and Frank? Major Winchester said "Simply put, the man is a country-fried rube! He nearly leaves enough shrapnel in a soldier to shoot the poor lad in the foot and nearly throws away my only link to civilization so he can play his crude attempt to bring America into a country with it's own beauty and make it America two: The Sequel." Just as everyone got their last bites of breakfast the loud speaker gave it's usual speech "Attention all personnel, now that you're done with your slop, we got the perfect after-breakfast treat, that's right wounded." Trapper said "The perfect way to kill a dead appetite." Five hours into the twenty-five hour run, Trapper started to feel dizzy and slurred his requests. All of a sudden he heard Hawkeye say all be it in slow motion "Margaret, finish up here please." Margaret said in slow motion "Yes, Doctor." Hawkeye said in the slow motion "Trap, are you all right?" Trapper said "Well Henkrye, I cold de petter."
Colonel Potter said, slow motion through Trapper's ears "Son, I suggest a five-minute break, correction, I order you to rest on your laurel's very heartily, I don't want you on your feet for the next five minutes." Trapper said "Kye Wyi Colonel Blakter." and collapsed onto the floor.
Soon Trapper was awake in Post-Op. Trapper said "Huh, what happened?" Hawkeye said "You fell and hit your head on the Operating Table over your patient, he survived, you didn't. Beej finished up. So tell me, I've known you since we went into this insanity trip. What's going on? " There Trapper told Hawkeye how he got his discharge from the 4077th. Trapper said "Do you have the time ? Well Hawk, we were all there when Radar gave the Bad news about Henry, well, while you were up to your nose hairs in Geishas I was barely sleeping not because of Frank's crazy commands, but when I was sleeping I saw all these bodies, and I swear to god, they all looked like Henry and it affected my work, I started screaming in the O. R., finally, Frank said That my work is superior, it was my attitude that was bad, called me a communist, and I told him, I'm afraid to go in there and he signed my release citing acts against the army." Just then Major Winchester listened and said "I would not have been surprised, if he added on to that list mentally competent, forgive my rudeness, Pierce, I'm here to relieve you." Hawkeye said "I'll see you in a bit, get better." Trapper said "You got it." Hawkeye said "That scent, That intoxicating scent, I'll be hung by my sweaty gym socks from second grade, Winchester, you've been taking the hose from the still and sucking the life out of it. Haven't you?" Charles said "Now I know why it exists, if I have to deal with Frank Burns I'd hit the sauce hard." Just as Hawkeye left the Post-Op, Frank Burns walked in and said "Don't mind me, I'm just here to look over my patients." That was the final straw, Major Winchester walked out of Post-Op. Lt. Colonel Frank Burns looked as the nurses and said "What are you looking at ? Get to your duties." Then Major Winchester said "Here, go wild, leave none of them alive, Killer." After handing him a 303. British rifle. Frank Burns threw down the gun and went to talk to Major Winchester. Frank Burns soon headed to talk to Major Winchester. Frank said "Hold it right there, Major. I'd like to know what gives you the right to be sarcastic to a superior officer?" Major Winchester said "Do you truly believe that, dare I not snicker, you are a superior officer, I see you more as a one man who's insane dream will never come to fruition, which is to have every country play as it's National Anthem: The Star Spangled Banner and the flag: Old Glory." Frank said "That is an out and out bold exaggeration of the truth."
Major Winchester said "Balderdash, If you had not charmed some boob in charge, I assure you, you'd be at the center of a Section Eight discharge hearing and I most assure you, Myself, Captain Pierce, Captain McIntyre, Captain Hunnicutt, Colonel Potter, Father Mulcahy, and Major Houlihan will most assure your discharge and locked up in an asylum for the rest of your insignificant existence. Ferret Face." One second later Frank threw the first blow in a fist fight. Sgt. Klinger heard the fists fly and immediately got to Colonel Potter's tent. Klinger said "Colonel Potter, Lieutenant Colonel Burns and Major Winchester are in a slug out." Colonel Potter said "That cuts it, I'm going to do something I should've done, when Frank's Mind first went AWOL." Captain Pierce and Hunnicutt got woke up when Frank landed on the still and went out the front door. Hawkeye said "Want to see Frank's untimely demise?" B.J. said "I'll help dig the dirt plot." Margaret said "What on earth is going on, Frank, Major Winchester, snap out of it." Father Mulcahy said "Stop this at once, even David knew to use only one shot to Goliath." Finally trying to pull them apart, Father Mulcahy punched both Major Winchester and Lieutenant Colonel Frank Burns off each other. Colonel Potter said "Thanks Padre, break this up, First, Frank, consider yourself, A Section Eight discharge and Finally, Major Winchester, One question: How did it feel to hit this Jackass?" Major Winchester said "First off, he threw first the first punch and it felt good knock him on his back." Colonel Potter said "Good, you are off duty for one week as you cool your heels in the "Swamp" , you're suspended!" Major Winchester said "Somehow it may have been worth it." As the next day came up Future Former, Lieutenant Colonel Frank Burns was strapped into a jeep through a straight jacket and Trapper was behind the wheel. Hawkeye and B.J. ran to say his goodbyes to Trapper and Frank. Hawkeye said "Trap, stop I want to tell you something. Trapper, I just wanted to say you've been a god send into my life. I don't think I would've made it if Frank had been there to be my friend." Trapper said "Well Hawk, I'm sure we would've been friends no matter what, war or not. Hey Beej, I'll send Peg & Erin your love." B.J. said "Well I wish you could send me with you back to Mill Valley." Trapper said "I wish I could, I think Peg understands more than you think." B.J. said "Well, with a friend like you, I'll be glad to know my wife and daughter are safe." Trapper said "And I know that, if we ever get invited to a block Bar-B-Que, We'll know what to talk about." B.J. and Hawkeye waved off Trapper and Frank. B.J. said "So, you feel better that you got to give Trapper the good-bye you wanted." Hawkeye said "Well, what do you think?"
One week later, It was movie night and Colonel Potter found a movie called "Yankee Doodle Doctor" as laughter filled the tent of the hijinks of Hawkeye and Trapper doing their Marx Brothers, Hawkeye, B.J. and Winchester looked on in as they saw a piece of history of the 4077. B.J. said "Hawk, You okay ?" Hawkeye said "I'll never feel bad I never got to say goodbye to Trapper anymore." Major Winchester said "He was a fine doctor and a better human than the narrator of this slop." Hawkeye said "Well I made a good job than Frank." Major Winchester said "Pierce, Everyone is better than Frank Burns."