Chapter 9 - Johnny, We Never Knew Ye!
"Do not defend him, Jadzia! Because of his meddling, we are on the verge of an all-out Dominion attack! Even now, the forces of the Federation and its allies await the arrival of a man who will never come!"
"Look, Worf. Hawkeye, Trapper, Charles and the boys were looking to recreate an innocent prank, and it got out of hand! Granted, the results of said prank do have Damar and Weyoun moving against us with a rather large Dominion force, intent on capturing our "hero". But what harm did it all do? Forget I said that."
"I shall. Ensign Nog! Do you know why you are the one explaining this disaster to me?"
"Sir! I believe I do, Sir! We of the Academy are expected to tell the truth at all times, and avoid the loathsome fate of Cadet Crush----that Doctor's son, whoever he was. I-I certainly wasn't talking about your dear friend, Sir! Also, Sir, I am here because you terrify me, Sir!"
"So long as we understand each other, Ensign! Now, from the beginning....if this debacle has a beginning."
"Oh, rest assured it does, Sir! You see, Captain Pierce and Jake got into a story-telling contest. Each one trying to top the other. Alexander and I listened as they did. Heh. Ever since Captain Pierce and his friends were transported here, they seem to have taken over..."
Nog noted the intense stare Worf was giving him. Jadzia's look was only marginally more sympathetic. He got back to the subject.
"Well, it all started after the unpleasantness between Major Houlihan and her eminence, the Kai. Jake and Hawkeye-Captain Pierce lets everyone call him Hawkeye-I Call him Ben-right, subject-get through telling the stories of the baseball and the boot. The lengths we all went to, in our separate times! Well, just then, a noise breaks out near the Bajoran Shrine..."
With a dull thud, the Kai hit the wall opposite where the dueling storytellers were engaged in their private competition. She cowered while Margaret Houlihan came in for the kill.
"Oh, your Grace! Did I accidentally elbow you in the jaw while you were telling those amusing stories you heard about the Irish on Earth? Silly me! I should've punched you straight in the jaw, you stuck-up, mealy - mouthed, hypocritical future excuse for a holy person!"
"I will pray for the Prophets to keep you, Child! In your own time, far away from me."
Wishing to withdraw as quickly as possible, Kai Winn didn't notice the eyes of the Vedeks upon her. If eyes could clap, all of them would have been in serious trouble. Hawkeye Pierce grabbed up his sort-of fiancee.
"Margaret, if we're gonna get married, I can't have you punching out every religious hypocrite! Father Mulcahy will feel left out!"
"Married? Pal, I still need a few things from you, before that happens!"
"A ring, a date, plans, oh, and lets not forget about that silly old PROPOSAL!"
At that, Margaret stalked off, to talk with Jadzia Dax about medical advances in the future. They had all accepted their new surroundings remarkably fast, and found things to do. Trapper worshipped the holosuites. Charles found somewhat kindred spirits in Garak and Quark. Margaret wandered the station, looking stunned, and enduring questions about "barbaric" 20th century behavior. On a few persistent ones, Margaret demonstrated such behavior. Sickbay, luckily, was open 24 hours a day.
Hawkeye Pierce, of course, simply took over the station. Some parties he started were still going on, without him. That left time for his storytelling contest with Jake, which Trapper was kind enough to finish. Pierce's throat was tired, so he heard anew the one story that was sure to put these 3 future kids in their place. The one these space-punks couldn't possibly top. No one could. Ever.
"So you see, Jake, he served his purpose and went away! Poof! We scammed them all, had them in mourning! Sorry, Winchester, but I daresay this beats your Marilyn Monroe epic!"
"Truly inspired, McIntyre! I concede that. Heh. Pierce never told me that one. People are truly silly, gullible creatures. Oh, forgive, me, ge-hentlemen. I must speak to Mrs. Klinger, ere I forget!"
Charles left to speak with Soon-Lee. But Jake wasn't conceding anything.
"Cute story, Trapper. But we win!"
"How do ya figure, kid? That one beats all!"
"In your time, maybe. But Nog and I tried to fool people like that, and it didn't work! People nowadays are too sophisticated! That kind of scam can't work now!"
"Built-in skepticism. My uncle, heck, my Father would see through that nonsense in seconds!"
"I don't know, fellows! Pride seems to drive us Klingons, and pride is what drove Hawkeye and Trapper's efforts. No one willing to admit the truth. Of course, this is a more open era, for such matters. No, no,Nog and Jake are right. It was a product of its times!"
"Trap, do you think Margaret will forgive me?"
"Hawk, 1 - She loves ya, you lucky dope! She'll cool off! 2 - These young toughs have challenged their betters! I say, we show them how it's done! it's time we brought HIM back!"
So it was that the five saboteurs made their way into an inactive, non-classified personnel database. While they did so, there were other goings on, as there tend to be in these cases.
Charles saw Soon-Lee with a child he knew to be Molly O'Brien. The little girl asked him the same question every time:
"Mister, why'd ya blowup the Enterprise over Veridian III? I liked that place! I grew up there!"
"What a----cha-haharming child! Soon-Lee, may I ask you a question?"
"Each of us has one in their own quarters, Doctor Winchester! No latrine here!"
"No, thank you, my dear, that's not an issue. My question was, in your week and a half here, are there any do's and don'ts you've come across? Anything would be of help."
"Hmm. Just one. Whatever you do, do not take your clothes off! They are very squeamish about that, here!"
Charles watched Soon-Lee walk off, and stared at her as she did.
"She's as thick as a brick, and sickeningly cheerful! And to think--I feared Max Klinger would never find the perfect woman for him!"
"Ah, Mr. Garak. How may I help you?"
"Oh, just by promising never to talk down to that dear, sweet, Mrs. Klinger, ever again! If you do speak to her that way again, I'll make you a 3-piece suit!"
"I'm confused. And, Eeeelim, I do not need a 3-piece suit."
"Oh, but Charles. I wasn't going to make the suit for you! I was going to make it FROM you! So, do be a gentleman and watch your step!"
Garak cheerfully departed. Disgusted, Charles saw and stopped Worf.
"I say, Commander Worf! Your Mr. Garak threatened my life. Said I had annoyed him. What will you do about it?"
"I will advise you not to annoy him any more."
"Ahhh, I ---see. By the way, why on Earth do you keep looking at me? Do I look some fellow Klingon, or somesuch?"
"No. You merely remind me of a brilliant scientist I once had the pleasure to meet, a Doctor Timicin. You look a great deal like him."
"Well, a great mind! Is there any way I could get in touch with him?"
"I do not think so. Upon turning 60, he committed ritual suicide, according to the laws and customs of his people. Good day, Doctor!"
"Good day, Commander! Sturdy people these Klingons! Dense as rocks! I OWWW!"
"AND that's for killing Jake's Mommy!"
"Molly! You should not kick Doctor Winchester!"
As Soon-Lee dragged the vengeful child off, Charles decided that the future had its problems.
Unneeded by the other planners, a dejected Trapper went into Quark's to have a drink. Rom was temporarily helping out his brother, who wanted to try out the nurses's shower holosuite program Trapper had suggested.
"The hard stuff, Doctor McIntyre?"
"You know it, Pal. Hey, uh, Rom?"
"Did you ever feel like a supporting character in your own life's story? Like you were just there to support someone else?"
"Well, yes. But after the first 40 years you get used to it!"
"Thanks a lot, Rom!"
"Oh, anytime, Trapper. I like giving out advice! No one usually comes to me for it!"
The conspirators completed their work.
"Species-Daxamite. Rank: Captain Ship: A Prototype Prometheus X, with refractive coating, the USS Henry Blake. Present in a supporting role in every major Federation - Dominion battle! Temporary Assignment : The Defiant!"
"Hawkeye, this will never work!"
"But work it did. Soon, everyone claimed to know this man, have fought beside him, been with him, gone to the academy with him. Except for you two, and us six, nobody even knows that the hero they're all best friends with--is a fraud. A few words whispered in my Uncle's bar, and soon everyone knows-or thinks they do. There have even been fights over who knows him best! The Klingons think he has Klingon blood, and the Romulans claim him, too! Everyone does! Sir, we never meant..."
"That will be all, Ensign!"
Gratefully, Nog up and left, passing a look of pity to Hawkeye and his friends as they went in the office.
"Are you aware of what you have done, Pierce? Listen to this:
"This is Weyoun, representing the interests of the Dominion. You are harboring a war criminal. Unless your great hero is remanded to us for trial, we shall begin an all-out attack that Bajor shall not withstand! You have 24 hours o surrender the Defiant's new Commander, Captain Jonathan Tuttle!"
Hawkeye and the others stared dumb-founded at the recording.
"Well, uh, Worf...This is the 24th Century! Don't you have the technology to simply build a Tuttle?"
Surprisingly, Worf did not scream. He merely leaned his head against his arm, and sighed.
"No, that won't do it. We will have to think of something else. Like many other things in this time period, it is against regulations to build a sentient being, the sole exception being a friend of mine."
Hawkeye looked up to Margaret, who tried to comfort the shaken surgeon.
"Jadzia told me everything will be fine, darling. They'll figure something out!"
"But what if they don't, Margaret? My God, what If I've caused a War!?"
In River Bend, Missouri, 1956, Dorrie Taylor had guards loyal to her shuffle the unconscious Sherman T. Potter off to the psych ward. The Colonel never thought to check his coffee.
Sitting at Potter's desk, smiling a broad smile at Dorrie Taylor was--Sherman T. Potter!
"Remember, 'Colonel', keep both Max and the Priest away from Soon-Lee! We're entering a critical stage, here. Remember who's in charge!"
After she left, the man with Potter's face said, "Oh, we know who's in charge, Doctor. And we know how to deal with the Priest---and the Sisko!"
The eyes of General Bartford Hamilton Steele the 3rd glowed a baleful red.