by Jamie Bergen
DISCLAIMER: The usual, I don't own M*A*S*H or the characters and am making no profit whatsoever. Wish I could, though... I didn't say that! Adrienne, however, is completely mine. Ya hear that??
PREMISE: Henry doesn't die, Trapper doesn't leave and a female surgeon arrives (I know there were no female surgeons in Korea. This is fan fiction, remember?). This is in place of Abyssinia, Henry, and the rest is after that. I think you get the point. If you want to join in and write an episode or two (or more!), email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
The sun shone down on Captain Adrienne Elizabeth Jacobson as she stood outside of the 8063rd M*A*S*H unit waiting to be taken to the 4077th, making her sweat slightly under her uniform. She hated sweating, it meant she had to take a shower, and there was nothing worse to Adrienne than showering in Korea. Well, except for maybe the war.
A transfer wasn't what she expected after she crashed General Clayton's jeep through her CO's quarters. Even though she'd been drunk out of her mind, she had thought that it would have gotten her at least a dishonourable discharge. When General Clayton asked her why she had done it, she slurred, "I was aiming for the latrine, Sir!" and promptly passed out.
She'd already said goodbye to her friends. The very few she had left, anyway. It seemed she had alienated just about everyone with her practical jokes. Personally she didn't see anything wrong with sending pictures of a fellow doctor in a certain situation with a nurse to his mother. It wasn't like she hadn't seen his tush before.
Adrienne noticed a jeep speeding along in the distance. She could tell the driver was female because of the bright pink clothes she was wearing. As the jeep got closer, however, she discovered the driver was a man. She was pretty sure women didn't have chest hair.
"Interesting," Adrienne muttered.
The jeep pulled up in front of her and the driver jumped out. He was wearing red high heel shoes, too. He saluted.
"Corporal Klinger, Ma'am!"
Adrienne saluted in return, a little taken aback. "Corporal..."
As Klinger picked up her bags and took them to the jeep, Adrienne took one last look at the 8063rd. Her lack of sadness didn't surprise her at all.
"I think it's safe to say I won't miss this place," she muttered.
"Ready, Ma'am?" Klinger asked from the driver's seat.
Adrienne walked over to the jeep and climbed in next to Klinger. "Hell yeah." She paused before she asked, "Corporal, may I make a suggestion?"
"The next time you wear that outfit, try pink heels. The red ones throw the whole ensemble off balance."
Klinger sighed. "Of course! Why didn't I think of that? I have a pair of pink heels, too!"
Adrienne gave him a strange look as he started the engine and drove off.
Adrienne squinted against the sun as the 4077th came into view. As it got closer she groaned. It looked worse than the 8063rd. She was hoping for some improvement, no matter how small. Klinger heard her groan.
"That was exactly my reaction when I arrived, Ma'am," he commented.
"This place is worse than the 8063rd!" Adrienne exclaimed. "Now I know why General Clayton transferred me instead of kicking me out."
Klinger glanced at Adrienne with interest. "What did you do?"
"I crashed his jeep into my CO's quarters."
"Do you think that would get me thrown out?" Klinger asked excitedly.
"If you wear that while you do it," Adrienne replied.
Klinger sighed wistfully as he pulled the jeep up in front of a short man with glasses and a cap. Klinger quickly got out of the jeep and began retrieving Adrienne's belongings from the back. Adrienne got out and greeted the little man with a salute.
"Hi, I'm-" Adrienne started.
"Captain Adrienne Jacobson. Welcome to the 4077th, Ma'am," he interrupted.
Adrienne frowned at him. "Could you tell me-?"
"Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake's office is right this way," he interrupted again.
How the hell did he know what she was going to say?? Adrienne frowned so hard with confusion she thought her forehead was going to explode. Klinger came up to her with her bags in his hands.
"I'll put your things in your tent, Ma'am." He said.
"I have my own tent?"
"ALL RIGHT!!" Adrienne shrieked, wide-eyed, throwing her arms up in the air. She quickly regained herself when she saw the funny looks Klinger and The Little Man were giving her. She cleared her throat. "Uh, I mean, that will be fine, thank you."
Dropping her bags, Klinger curtsied. Adrienne smiled, a little spooked, in return. Klinger picked her things up again and made his way to her tent.
"Right this way, Ma'am," The Little Man said.
"What's your name?" Adrienne knew she couldn't think of him as The Little Man forever.
"Corporal O'Reilly, but most people call me Radar."
Radar took her to Henry Blake's office. He was asleep at his desk.
"Another fine American defending our country," Adrienne cracked.
Radar gave her a pained look, then went over to Henry and gently shook him. Henry awoke and sat upright.
"Lorraine, please, I'm tired," he said with a yawn.
"Colonel?" Henry looked up at Radar. "Captain Adrienne Jacobson has arrived, Sir."
"Radar, I told you not to disturb me unless Captain Jacobson arrives!"
Adrienne stared at him expectantly, waiting for the ball to drop. It finally did and Henry quickly stood.
"Oh, Captain Jacobson, Colonel Henry Blake," he said, extending his hand.
"Colonel," Adrienne replied, grabbing his hand and shaking it vigorously. So vigorously, in fact, that Henry almost lost his balance. This is going well so far! She thought.
"Radar, would you get me..." Henry began.
"Captain Jacobson's file..." Henry and Radar said in unison, Radar anticipating what he was going to say, like always.
"Here it is, Sir," Radar handed Henry the thick manila folder.
"That will be all, Radar."
Radar left the room, Adrienne watching him go. That was quite a knack The Little Man had there. She hoped he wouldn't do that to her again, she had a quick temper. She didn't want to make him even shorter, if that were possible.
"Have a seat, Adrienne," Henry gestured to the chair in front of his desk.
Adrienne sat down and Henry did the same. He opened her file and went through it. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head. Adrienne knew what part he was reading. She chewed on her lower lip, wondering what he'd say.
"It says here you crashed General Clayton's jeep through your commanding officer's quarters!" Henry said in surprise.
"Yes, Sir," she replied. She added for her benefit, "I think I should point out that I was actually aiming for the latrine."
"Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense."
Adrienne quipped, "You didn't see the latrine!"
"I hope there won't be a repeat of that here," Henry said.
"I make no promises, Sir."
Henry sighed. "That's good enough for me. Welcome to the 4077th."
Grinning, Adrienne grabbed Henry's hand and shook it again. She was off to a good start. Just as long as General Clayton didn't visit anytime soon.
A Little Surgery Before Dinner?
Henry showed Adrienne around the camp. He pointed out places of interest: the mess tent, the OR, the nurse's shower (that was of great interest to him) and the Swamp, home of the notorious Captains Pierce and McIntyre. She'd heard about them at the 8063rd. She thought there was nothing wrong with what she'd heard, but other people might find it horrifying. That's why she loved it.
Henry finished the tour at her tent. She thanked him and went inside to unpack. She stacked her medical books, novels and foreign language dictionaries on a shelf. She started on her clothes when Radar raced in.
Adrienne frowned. "I don't hear anything."
"Wait for it," was Radar's reply.
Sure enough, a few seconds later, the sound of choppers could be heard in the distance. Radar raced outside and yelled, "CHOPPERS!!" for everyone to hear.
Adrienne threw her kimono down on her cot.