I Don't Love You!

by Liz Errico

Act 1 Scene 1

(Regina Siobhan Vitallia steps out of the chopper, which is offstage, and is greeted by Corporal Radar O'Reilly. She is dressed in a full, black shirt and a big-shouldered, checkered suit-shirt, and a large hat. She is a slender girl, with the body of an 18 year old, and has curly brown hair, brown eyes, a face that is intimidating and tender at the same time. Regina is ultimately a walking contradiction who can be mature and elegant one minute, rude and youthful the next. But above all she is sarcastic. It is September 5th, 1950-hot and sunny)

REG: (shouting above noise) Hi there sir! Nurse Regina Vitallia?!

RAD: Uh..oh yeah!! Welcome to the M*A*S*H 4077-follow me please?

(Cut to the main office)

REG: Some weather, eh? Well now, I don't believe we've met! Regina Vitallia! And you?

RAD: Uh...Corporal O'Reilly ma'am.

REG: Oh how darling! I'm Irish too!

RAD: Really? Wow-at least someone around here is....

REG: You sound neglected.

RAD: I don't know- I guess people pick on me because of my height more than anything else. Even though that has nothing to do with my nationality.

REG: That's pure peter! Who cares? I like short people-I mean-look at me! 5'4.''

RAD: Well, thanks I guess. Well-I'd better show you to Colonel Blake.

REG: (muttering to herself) Another case of flirting gone dooowwn the drain.

(End Scene 1)

Act 1 Scene 2

(Colonel Blake's office. He is sitting at his desk.)

RAD: Uh, sir? Nurse Regina Vitallia to see you. She just flew in.

BLAKE: Huh? Oh yes-welcome Regina. Please take a seat...

REG: (sitting down) Thank you sir. And oh! Your hat is absolutely charming! Do let me try it on?

BLAKE: No harm in that (gives her the hat-she removes hers) Soo.....Ms. Vitallia! Our new nurse! Well, let's take a look at your records. Hmmm....you have passed your physical-that's always good...and used to work part time at Blue Cross Blue Shield Medical Center in Manhattan as a nurse, yes?

REG: Yes sir.

BLAKE: What did you do the other half of the time?

REG: Oh, uh...auditioning, you know, writing scripts.

BLAKE: Oh? Well that's very interesting-we have a movie star on our hands! But in all seriousness, do you like working as a nurse?

REG: Well sir, I'm not a candy striper but it's ok.

BLAKE:    I see, but why come here though?

REG: Well, you see sir. Yeah, I guess the real reason is that my awful mother wouldn't let me go to Juilliard as a drama major.

(A Major walks in-he is amiable and about 46 years old)

MAJOR: Did I hear someone call me?

BLAKE: No Major. Nurse Vitallia was saying how she would've liked to major in drama at Julliard.

MAJOR: Oh-never heard of it. I was a drama major myself you know, back in Louisiana. Would you have liked to take it as a major minor or a major major?

REG: I really don't know.

MAJOR: Well, a major major is when you take that major and nothing else. A major minor is when you take your major but as a minor class-you have other classes you see, although I believe a major is a pretty major subject, almost more important than math and science.

REG: That's some major difference. I think I'd pick the first one, the place is a conservatory anyway.

MAJOR: Ah...a major major.

BLAKE: That'll be all Major.

(Major exits)

REG: What a character, eh?

BLAKE: I agree. Well Radar, if that's all there is will you please take Nurse Regina to her tent? Uh-Regina-you'll be sharing it with a few other nurses-they're all out now on duty I believe though-so maybe you'll meet them later?

REG: Yes sir.

(Just then, Hawkeye and Trapper walk in, Regina rises.)

HAWK: Hey Blake, you have a minute?

TRAP: Yeah, cause you gotta get us outta here. People screaming, it's hot as hell....

HAWK: No available nurses....

TRAP: Yeah! We want out-and Ferret-face won't let us!

BLAKE: Aw gee fellas...I know Major Burns is a big pain in the ass-but try to live with him.

HAWK: Yeah, sure. By the time I get away from him I'll have been to hell and back 20 times, some living. NOT that I'm complaining of course. (Spots Regina) Oh....and who's the new import?

BLAKE: This is Nurse Regina Vitallia-just flew in from...uhh...New York isn't it?

REG: Yes (to Hawkeye) And hi to you Mr.....

HAWK: Pierce. (shaking her hand with a big grin) Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, but call me Hawkeye. (whispering in her ear) Oh...and come by my tent say....9 o' clock. We'll split a candy bar and er...some gin-see what happens.

REG: No, it's ok. I'm not a drinker anyway. Thanks though Mr. Pierce. (batting eyelashes)

TRAP: Hiya. I'm John McIntyre, but call me Trapper.

REG: (shaking his hand) Trapper...Oh-I guess I'll see you later Colonel Blake.

BLAKE: Bye bye Regina.

(Regina, Trap, Hawkeye, and Radar exit the tent)

HAWK: You know doll...you can call me Hawkeye. I actually prefer it. Mr. Pierce sounds too cold...I'd rather die in action than freeze to death.

REG: Haha! Did you make that joke up all by yourself?   You know something Benny...I'm reading a marvelous book called Catch-22. It's about army pilots in WW2. And you know who you remind me of from it?

HAWK: I'm all ears.

REG: Captain Yossarian. A womanizer, very odd, and very tall. He's also incredibly funny and intelligent. So then again, I guess his character really isn't you.

HAWK: Sounds like a great read.

TRAP: What about me?

REG: Hmmm...oh god. You see, there's billions of characters in this thing. Probably McWatt, cause he's kind of laid-back and extremely kind. Although I've only really started the book. Maybe he's an insane killer!!!

TRAP: Oh yeah, that's me! And what about Radar?

REG: Oh-definitely Nately. He's really young...and really cute-and he falls in love with a whore-but in a romantic way.

RAD: Umm...I don't think that's something I'd particularly want.

(End Scene 2)

Act 1 Scene 3

(Radar and Regina have finally been left alone by Hawkeye and Trapper-and are in Regina's tent)

REG: God, that Mr. Pierce. Can you believe him? Is he always like that with women?

RAD: Yeah, he's always trying to get with nurses-I wouldn't worry about it too much.

REG: Ohh...I see. Well, nothing for me to worry about then I guess. Ahh....it's funny. I never got guys before. They always found me intimidating, so says my friend Jenn.

RAD: Really? That's kinda hard to believe.

REG: I guess that's a compliment.

RAD: (blushing) Well, yeah, I guess. Cause, you're, well, I guess you're easy on the eyes.

REG: Ahh! Can I thank you? CAN I thank you?! Holy smelted mackerel-I got myself an admirer! Well, no-but still. I swear to god there's not one man who's said something like that to me. Help me unpack?

RAD: Ok...I guess.

(They begin to unpack her bags)

RAD: I didn't know you played the flute...?

REG: Ah yes-a darling little instrument, isn't it? I promised my father that, even amongst the blood and guts, I'd play away! Muahahaha!

RAD: I see. Well, I play the drums.

REG: Oh! Do you? Man, I've always wanted to play them. You know, you'll have to let me try them-you're obligated.

RAD: Well, yeah, I guess I'll have to. (Takes out weights) You lift weights?

REG: Oh...those are nothing.   10 pounds of weights is only twice the weight of a 5 pound fetus. If I can handle that sight-I can handle anything. And that sentence just made no sense.

RAD: Dead fetus?

REG: Oh man, ever since, well, you know-I was a nurse and all that. And this woman...well, miscarriage alert! Shot out of her like a football. Poor lady.

RAD: I'm sorry.

REG: Oh-I don't deserve the sorries. It's not like I was the pregnant one. I don't look pregnant, do I? (feels her stomach)

RAD: Of course not.

REG: Ah, good. Believe me, I'm not anorexic. But an 18 year old has to keep her body in order-not that it ever really is acknowledged.

RAD: I really can't see how it's that bad. Um...should I give you a tour of the camp. It's almost lunchtime anyway.

REG: Oh yes my valiant steed! Take me to yonder mess tent hither!

RAD: You like Shakespeare?

REG: I'm an actress you know. And anyway-ever since I saw that dear Laurence Olivier in Hamlet-I was hooked. Vivien Leigh should take a backseat to me! Buh bye Scarlett!

RAD: Ohhh...(shuts door behind them)

(Cut to the two walking outside towards the Mess tent. Klinger is outside in one of his outfits)

REG: Do my eyes deceive me?

KLING: Are you looking at the dress or the nose?

REG: Well, I must say...I've found a real doll! How about you and me honey? I got 5 bucks on me-what do you say to some sodas? I bet I can show you a real good time. (Chuckles)

KLING: I'd be flattered-and who are you sir?

REG: Well sug, I'm Reggie Vitallia, the new nurse here. Actually, you're better off callin' me Regina, Miss....

KLING: Klinger. Max Klinger.

REG: Well, Klinger-Max is short for Maxine isn't it? I don't know about them there yellow shoes of yours. Mind tryin' somethin' more tasteful before we hit the town?

KLING: Nah...and obviously, a guy like me has a lot more fashion sense than a guy like you. May I suggest wearing something less dismal?

REG: (slaps his back) Whoa! This kitten's got claws!

(They all explode into laughter)

REG: Ah-so Klinger-I guess a corporal you must be?

KLING: Right-o!

REG: That's so nice! You and Corporal O'Reilly work together then-awww!!!

KLING: You are correct sir. Heyyy-Radar! (Exits)

(End Scene 3)

Act 1 Scene 4

(Radar and Regina continue walking and eventually enter the Mess tent)

REG: You know Mr. O'Reilly-what's with this whole Radar thing?

RAD: Oh...well, I usually know what's going to happen before anyone else does. You know-so like-Radar.

REG: Oh! ESP! My uncle's former wife was telepathic. I guess she could sense a dud when she saw him. Heh. But oh!-actually-shouldn't your name be Sonar? Cause radar is the use of electricity... Oh! Cornbread!

RAD: Ohh...(makes a face) I don't know though. Sonar kind of sounds weird. Sonar O'Reilly?

REG: True.

RAD: Oh yeah-and this is Igor our head chef.

REG: Hello Igor! What a great name-it reminds me of vigor-full of life! Alright...um...I guess I'll have the potatoes there. Oh-and is that fish?

IGOR: (sigh) No-it's battered chicken in flour sauce.

REG: No fish? I need a diet terribly-but it's better than liver-although calf liver is good. So I guess pile that chicken on.

RAD: I'll have liver.

(The two get their food and come by a table in which Frank Burns, Hotlips, and Father Mulcahy are sitting)

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