REG: Uh....hello! I'm uh, Regina Vitallia? The new nurse? Hehe.
HOT: Ah-oh-hi! Yeah, nice to meet you. Oh-and I'm Margaret Houlihan-the head nurse around here. And this is Major Frank Burns...
REG: Oh! Ferret-face!
FRANK: (face tightening) Well, no-I believe you are referring to a name that Captain Pierce refers to me as. I wouldn't pay attention to such meaningless drabble from simpletons such as him.
REG: Well, I'll take that into consideration-since you've got the cutest face-I can't resist!
REG: Well, I'm not a liar! Look at the sharpness of the cheekbones and those delicious eyes. Meow!
RAD: Oh...uh...Regina, this is Father Mulcahy.
REG: Ohh! Hi... (she acts quirky at this point, making a cross and bending her knees as she leans back and shakes hands with him, a false smile on her face) Well, Fatha...unfortunately I'm not much of a religious person...
MUL: Well, that's quite alright my dear-it's the true sinners that must pay their time in hell-and you don't look like one bound for such a place.
REG: Aww...thanks Fatha. Nah-I honestly couldn't call myself a sinner. I guess my only "bad seed," uh, I mean "bad deed" is cursing a bit, but believe you me Fatha-noooo swearing!
MUL: Oh, wellll...that's good to hear.
HOT: So, uhh...where are you from Regina?
REG: (between delicate and sloppy mouthfuls) ManHATtan, New York.
FRANK: And how is it there?
REG: Aww...it's great. I live on Park Avenue-whoa! All rich and stuff! Ya see, so that's great.
RAD: You live on Park Avenue and worked as a part-time nurse?
REG: Yeah-nothing wrong with that...the only downfall is that I'm an only child.
HOT: Ah! Me too!
REG: Oh really? Yeah, well, being an only child, I guess it gets lonely and all-so about every summer I've visited my aunt and her husband out on the Island-they've got five kids! So it's all nice and fun. And ah man! You know? I was probably going to go to Paris for the summer as my birthday present. But noooooo...I just HAD to enlist. But there's obviously no use crying over spilt milk-and I have my movies to rely on-I'd actually like to bring in some reels if that's actually possible.
MUL: Well, it's good that you've chosen to help out the troops here in Korea. And anyway, if you were in Paris, your jocularity meter may have overloaded.
REG: (laughing) Ah hah!!!! Jocularity meter!! Ah man-that's a great line. Wow-you know Fatha-I'll need to use that line soon-do you mind me taking it?
MUL: I guess it's quite alright, as long as you don't use it in the Lord's name of course.
FRANK: So Regina-you said you like movies?
REG: (excitedly) Oh yes! I love them all! In fact...well-it's not a movie-but I went to Broadway not too long ago and saw "A Streetcar Named Desire" starring the most handsome man on earth! Marlon Brando-ahh!!
HOT: Hmm...never heard of him.
REG: What?! Well, I guess it's to be expected. No one really knows of him, not yet. He's going to be in this new movie actually-The Men. THAT will make him a star-I bet my friend Grace ten dollars on it!
RAD: What about John Wayne?
REG: Eh..well, he's ok. But I wish he'd detract from the Westerns-you know? I'd kill to see him in a romantic foreign fantasy, but that's not happening. And anyway-Clark Gable is much more handsome!
HOT: I know what you mean! (Frank gives her a quizzical look)
REG: Well, Radar my darling friend. Time to go back to the old tent and...
RAD: (rigid, concentrating on something else) Choppers.....CHOPPERS!!! (runs out to retrieve the wounded)
REG: Oh god! Oh no, oh no, oh no! What do I do?! (jumping, fidgeting) Ah, ah, ah, I never did this before!
HOT: Oh please...come on, I'll take you there!
(End Scene 4)
Act 1 Scene 5
(The O.R. The wounded are all upon tables. Regina is in the standard white apron, mask and hat, standing beside Frank Burns urgently. A wounded soldier comes to the table-he has a busted leg full of shrapnel. He is proceeded to be operated on. Regina gets the anesthetic mask, is about to put it on him)
PATIENT: Nuh, nuh, no!! Please! (grabs her apron, she shoves him away)
FRANK: Nurse Vitallia! 3 grams of penicillin! Obviously this little wiggler's not going to take the mask.
REG: Yes sir (she gets it after bumping into Hawkeye, injects the struggling man)
HAWK: Hmmm...playing slave girl to King Ferret today, aren't we?
FRANK: Shut your little trap Pierce.
HAWK: Ok, ok! Just playing around. But what's wrong with correct observations once in a while?
TRAP: Ah Hawkeye-you're on a ROLLL today, aren't you?
REG: Mr. McIntyre!
HAWK: Mr. McIntyre?! Haha. We're the proper one today, aren't we Miss Ferret?
FRANK: Pierce, open your mouth one more time and I'll have you discharged before you can finish sewing that guy up!
HAWK: I'll make sure to spare him by not letting him get into your hands..
RAD: (comes up to Frank) Uh, sir?
FRANK: What is it twerp?
RAD: Sir, my name is Corporal O'Reilly and I just wanted to hand you the X-rays..
FRANK: Oh god-I can't read these x-rays! They should make them more clear and efficient. As soon as I get a hold of whoever made these they'll promptly be fired! I bet it was you Pierce! Do you think this is some great little trick you pulled on me?!
HAWK: Oh I'm sure I'm the cause of your terrible medical skills. My apologies. Scalpel.
Act 1 Scene 6
(It is Hotlips' tent, and she and frank are fooling around)
HOT: Oh Frank dearest, I love you so much. I just wish that idiot Hawkeye could lay off for once. We really need to get him transferred. And this time I mean it-we've tried many times and haven't been successful. Watch ME go to the colonel to get Hawkeye's face full of crap!
FRANK: Oh Margaret darling. You know that nitwit can be dealt with at anytime we wish. Come now, we're majors! (laughs an evil laugh) However, I believe that we should focus on ourselves now.
FRANK: Ohh....REGINA my sweetness!!
HOT: (stops short, turns on light) Regina?! What in the world did you say THAT for?!
FRANK: (confused) What are you talking about? I didn't say that! Believe me Margaret...I don't think I could have said that.
HOT: You just did!
FRANK: Then it was a silly subconsciousness that means absolutely nothing.
HOT: I don't think so!
FRANK: Look dearest-she's a good nurse and a nice girl, but-
HOT: Is young and has a nice body! Is that it Frank? Oh god, don't tell me you like that 18 year old ditz!
FRANK: You were having a pleasant conversation with her at the mess table!
HOT: Yeah-and you were looking at her the entire time!
FRANK: No I wasn't! Come now honey, it's you that I love! (tries kissing her)
HOT: Yeah, I'm sure! How could you! (hastily gets dressed) I could have sworn you loved me! Do you know how hard it is to keep this affair that I have put myself into entirely a secret?! But no, you don't care, because as soon as some teenage tramp calls you "cute," you're all over her! (goes to tent flap) Out! Get out of here now!
FRANK: Oh, no! But Hotlips!
HOT: Don't you "Hotlips" me! I don't want to see you anymore! (throws a picture frame at him-he runs out quickly, only to see Hawkeye strolling outside)
HAWK: Hey! Major Burnsey!
FRANK: What is it Pierce?
HAWK: What are you doing outside Houlihan's tent, hmm?
FRANK: That's none of your business captain!
HAWK: Oh yeah, oh yeah-I'm sure. Well, enough about Hotlips, let's talk about Mrs. Ferret. You like her, don't you?
FRANK: I mean it! If you continue to ask further questions I'll have your hide thrown out of here!
HAWK: I'll be sure to send you a postcard expressing my thanks. C'mon, she's pretty cute!! Uh huh? Eh heh heh heh heh...
FRANK: You make me SICK!
HAWK: Yeah, I knew I was coming down with a cold...
(End Act 1)
Act 2 Scene 1
(The Swamp. Regina is listening to her records as she talks with Colonel Blake, while Trap and Hawk sip gin on the other side of the room
BLAKE: Alright Regina, I think you started out quite well in the O.R. yesterday. You know, that man was from the North Korean side.
REG: Really? I guess I never really cared much about taking sides than about keeping my dignity. So in a way, by siding with America, I am retaining dignity. So never mind what I just said.
BLAKE: But you realize that either way we operate on them...
REG: Oh yeah...nah, you don't have to worry about that.
BLAKE: Good, so are you getting along with everyone Looked like Hawkeye was sweet on you.
REG: Well, Benny WAS at first, but that's just cause he's desperate-heh.
BLAKE: Heh heh heh...well, yes. Alright Regina, I'll leave you alone, but I'd button your shirt as high as it may go, you don't want those two getting ideas....Bye Bye. (Exits)
HAWK: Hey Reggie, guess what I found out.
REG: What is it Benny?
HAWK: (drunk) Frank Burnnsss.... Has got a crush on youu....
REG: What? Oh please, he didn't say that did he?
HAWK: Ohh...he didn't say it, but I know he meant itttt....(falls asleep)
REG: Terrific. Trapper, he didn't say that, did he?
TRAP: Well kid...I wouldn't know for sure. But I can tell you like him.
REG: Oh my god...I don't like him-I barely know him anyway.
TRAP: Hotlips said you said he was delicious.
REG: Hotlips? Who's that?
REG: But Hotlips? What kind of a name is that? And what the hell kind of name is Trapper? And what the hell's going on?!
TRAP: I'm called Trapper cause I guess I've trapped a few in my day.
REG: Oh that's comforting...
TRAP: Well, you think he's delicious.
REG: (pushes him) No I mean, well-I said his EYES were. And they are. They're very nice. And so are Benny's. Your whole face is delicious. Take that!
TRAP: Uh huh...So are you jealous of Hotlips?
REG: Of course not. And them two are together anyway.
TRAP: Looks that way.
REG: Well, I hope they're happy together then.
TRAP: You're jealous, you're jealous! C'mon, you can tell me!
REG: Ok, maybe I am just a little. But believe me, it's cause I never get any of the guys, at least she does. If a guy happens to like me, which is like, never, I have to hold onto that chance.
TRAP: Well, you know, "Benny" as you call him seemed interested.
REG: Yeah, but I don't care. He's different because he's not a guy.
TRAP: Alright...then...you like...Radar!
REG: Ok, fine. I admit it. I like him-but he's my age! And he's really adorable and the nicest person I've ever met.
TRAP: Aw...and he thinks you're pretty too.
REG: Yes, I know-he told me. Actually, he said I was easy on the eyes.
TRAP: I think you're pretty too (bats eyelashes)
REG: Oh, what? You're trying to seduce me into liking YOU now?
TRAP: Heh (he jabs her in the ribs)
FRANK: Trapper! What in God's name are you doing?!
TRAP: Ah, nothing sir. Just revving up Regina here for the days where she'll be able to kick my ass.
FRANK: Listen to me McIntyre. How would you like for me to mention this little incident to the chaplain when he arrives in 4 days?
TRAP: Ok, ok sir. But come on Burns! It's nothing bad! Besides, the girl's 18-an adult.
FRANK: I don't care if she's 10 or 100. You are not permitted as an officer to have relationships with non-officers!
TRAP: Oh, I think you'd know about relationships.
FRANK: Talk like that again and you'll find yourself back in Boston! Nurse Vitallia? May I see you for one minute?
REG: Yes sir.