They all left and went to the Swamp. The doctors were all silent until Trapper went to read his novel.
"All of my pages are glued together!" yelled Trapper. The Captains looked at each other and then to Frank.
"I didn't do it!" cried the Major. "I was with you!"
"Yeah, you could of told Hot Lips to!" accused Hawkeye.
"Major Houlihan is on duty!" said Frank. The Captains stopped, Frank was right. There was no way either Major could have done it.
On the other side of the camp, Henry had to make his post-op rounds. He entered post-op to see that Major Houlihan was on duty. She saluted him as he entered and he sighed. The Colonel made his way through the beds, checking each medical condition. He came to a patient that wasn't receiving all of his medication through his IV. Once again, it was the North Korean patient.
"Oh, Major." Called Henry. Hot Lips was soon at his side. "Why isn't this patient getting all his medication?" The Major shook her head.
"I don't know, Captain Pierce caught the same problem." She replied.
"Is he being a problem?" asked Henry.
"No not at all, he just lays there smiling." She reported.
"Maybe he doesn't know where he is." Suggested Henry.
"I can't wait until he's shipped out tomorrow." She said.
"Make sure he gets all of his medication." Said Henry, as he left.
Hawkeye and Trapper decided to take a walk around the compound, and evaluate their problem.
"I can't believe that we're being had." Spoke Trapper.
"I know, but how do we stop it?" said Hawkeye. They were silent.
"Well, most of the pranks have been in the Swamp." Pointed out Trapper.
"Right." Confirmed Hawkeye. "What if we somehow let everyone know that we're going to be out tonight and stake out the Swamp. Then when the criminal emerges we trap him."
"That's a pretty good idea." Replied Trapper. "But how are we going to let everyone know that we're gone?" Just then an announcement came on:
"Attention all personnel. Due to the enemy's shortage of torture techniques, they have suggested that supper to be served at 1800 hours. That is all." The Captains looked at each other and smiled. Fifteen minutes later another announcement aired:
"Attention all personnel! Captain's Pierce and McIntyre would like the 4077th to know that they will be nowhere near the Swamp at anytime, all night. That is all."
That night Hawkeye and Trapper hid in the unoccupied VIP tent where there was a clear view of the Swamp. It was very dark but the surgeons could make objects out. The waited an hour and no one went near the Swamp.
"Maybe we were too obvious." Suggested Trapper.
"Nonsense!" spoke Hawkeye, "They'll come, we just have to be patient."
"I thought I have to be a doctor." Said Trapper.
"That was a good one." Said Hawkeye.
"Thank you." Replied Trapper.
Another hour passed and another. Finally they saw a human figure enter the Swamp.
"Who is that?" asked Hawkeye.
"I can't make it out." Said Trapper. The doctors moved out and quietly headed to the Swamp. They kept low and reached the door. The person was doing something in Hawkeye's bunk. Trapper used his hand to count to three and they burst in. The person screamed in surprise and they wrestled him to the floor.
"I give up! I give up!" yelled the person. Hawkeye stood up and turned on the light. The 'prankster' was revealed.
"Radar?" cried the doctors in surprise.
"What are you guys doing here?" Radar asked.
"We were going to ask you the same thing." Said Hawkeye. Radar got up and suddenly looked embarrassed.
"Well..." started the Corporal.
"You're the prankster, Radar?" asked Trapper.
"Heck no!" cried Radar. "I came in here for...some of Hawkeye's...magazines." Hawkeye smiled.
"Radar, Radar, Radar." Said Hawkeye.
"Great!" yelled Trapper; "Instead of the prankster we get peeping tom O'Reilly looking for B.F. Pierce's library of literature!"
"I think I should go now." Said Radar quietly as he left.
"Now what are we going to do?" asked Trapper.
"Calm down." Said Hawkeye, pouring some martini's, "We'll try again tomorrow night.
The doctors talked and drank for another two hours and by midnight they were both asleep in their bunks. They both woke at the same time the next mourning. Hawkeye looked at Trapper and realized there was something different about his bunkee. The Hawk realized that Trapper John had lipstick on. He was about to tell him when Trapper said:
"Hawk, you have lipstick on." They both grabbed a mirror and they were both wearing women's lipstick. Enraged, they both headed toward the dispatch room, where Radar was working. They burst in and reached for the PA system microphone.
"Hey, you guys have lipstick on!" observed Radar. Hawkeye grabbed the microphone and spoke into it:
"Attention out there, whoever you are!" yelled Hawkeye. "This is Captain Pierce. Captain McIntyre and me would just like to let you know that when we find out who you are you are going to be soooooo sorry that you ever tried to humiliate us. We will make your life a living war as soon as we discover your identity. If you do decide to give yourself up now we will very appreciative... and then we'll torture you! That is all." Hawkeye put the microphone down and the Captains left. They walked, until they came to an MP truck outside of post-op. Frank was also there.
"What's going on, Frank?" asked Trapper.
"North Korean solider is being taken away." Said Frank. "You guys have lipstick on!" he then added. A pair of MPs came out of post-op with the Korean Soldier. The police lead him to the truck and the Korean began packing his stuff in the back. The Captains began to walk toward the Swamp, which was also toward the truck. The soldier took one of his bags and threw it, instead of it going into the truck it hit the side and spilled open all over the ground. The doctors decided to help. They got down and noticed the soldier's strange cargo: whoopee cushions, a rubber chicken, disappearing ink, a tube of glue and other things like of the same nature.
"Hawk, take a look at this stuff!" whispered Trapper. Hawkeye shook his head in disbelief. They politely continued helping, until Hawkeye held up in awe something in the mess: a stick of lipstick. Trapper saw it and froze. The Korean took all of his things and loaded them, the doctors standing in complete shock. The soldier turned and gave them another big smile and a wave and got into the truck. The MPs drove off and the doctors stood watching it drive away, in disbelief.
"I can't believe it..." trailed off Trapper. Then, in perfect unison the Captains did the only thing they thought was right: they saluted.