|
ACT TWO
INT. RADAR’S OFFICE - LATER
Radar is seen getting ready for bed and about to tuck himself in with his teddy bear when the camp phone rings. He rushes over to answer the telephone.
RADAR (Tired) M*A*S*H 4077.
The voice on the other end is inaudible. But Radar listens intently and looks visibly excited.
RADAR Gee, really? (Putting his hand over his mouth in surprise) No, come on! Of course I can keep a secret. I’ll let Colonel Blake know right away.
Radar hangs up the phone and immediately rushes outside in his bathrobe.
EXT. CAMP – CONTINUOUS
Radar is seen running across the compound.
INT. COLONEL BLAKE’S TENT – CONTINUOUS
Radar gingerly opens the door and lightly taps Blake in an effort to awake him.
RADAR (Whispering) Colonel, Sir. Are you awake?
BLAKE (Sleepily) Not unless you’re a juicy redhead of the female persuasion.
RADAR It’s urgent, sir. I need to tell you about something.
BLAKE (Angrily) Well then spill the beans, Radar!
RADAR I can’t, sir. Your tent is being bugged, and I was sworn to secrecy.
BLAKE What?! Who’s responsible, Radar?
Blake rips off his sleeping mask and looks over at Radar, who begins to blush, betraying the guilty parties.
BLAKE (Biting his lip) Pierce and/or McIntyre. Ok, we’ll go to my office.
Blake puts on a robe and they exit his tent together.
INT. COLONEL BLAKE’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Blake pours himself a drink and sits down behind his desk.
BLAKE Ok, Radar, let’s have it. What’s the word? Did the army finally decide to put Frank on trial for crimes against humanity?
Radar looks around suspiciously and then leans across the desk to tell Blake.
RADAR (Quietly) Bob Hope is visiting us.
Blake falls over backwards in his chair in shock. He scrambles back up.
BLAKE (Loudly) Bob Hope the comedian?
Radar shushes him and nods.
BLAKE (Whispering) When? And good heavens, what for?
RADAR The day after tomorrow. Because we have the best efficiency record among all the M*A*S*H units, and because of all the casualties we’ve been dealing with lately. It’s supposed to be a surprise.
BLAKE (Pounding his desk in excitement) Well, ain’t that just the ticket, Radar?! This is just what we need! Finally a bit of excitement after all our hard work.
Radar smiles in agreement.
BLAKE (Cautioning Radar) Now listen, Radar. You are not to tell anybody about this. We keep this news to ourselves right up until the big moment. Is that clear?
RADAR Yes, sir.
BLAKE (Rubbing his hands together happily) Can you believe it, Radar? With Bob Hope and tomorrow night’s poker game, it’s beginning to look like a regular Mardi Gras over here!
Blake finishes his drink as the camera punches in for a close up of him grinning.
INT. SUPPLY TENT – EVENING
Blake, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy are seated at a large table in the centre of the room. Blake is preparing to deal and putting together stacks of chips for the various players. Hawkeye and Trapper walk in and notice Radar just about to sit down. Trapper grabs Radar and pulls him aside. Blake looks over at them suspiciously.
TRAPPER (Threateningly grabbing Radar by the collar) Spill it, Radar…
Radar begins to shake and sweat nervously.
RADAR (Obviously lying) Gee, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
TRAPPER (Pointing at him angrily) You’re lying!
RADAR (Shrieking in fear) How do you know?
HAWKEYE You thought it was just his tent? Who do you think you’re dealing with? We’ve had the Colonel’s office bugged for months.
Blake stands angrily and confronts Hawkeye and Trapper.
BLAKE Hey! You’ve both got some nerve!
RADAR Yeah! (Curious) Then how come you don’t know the whole story?
HAWKEYE Have you ever tried getting a fly on the wall to follow instructions? He eats his way through $3 in perfectly good crumbs and all he did was put a hole in my uniform.
Blake rolls his eyes realizing that the comment about his office was a complete joke.
HAWKEYE (Acting seriously) Come on, Radar. We know you’re hiding good news from us. Now we can either do this the hard way, or the nurse’s annual physical way.
Radar instantly seems interested.
RADAR What, really?
HAWKEYE (Sounding like a used car salesman) Chest and waist sizes, sexual partners, reproductive history, you name it, we’ve got you covered. (Putting his hand on Radar’s shoulder) All you’ve got to do is tell us what we can look forward to later this week.
TRAPPER (Desperately) We’re dying here, Radar. I’ve started fantasizing about making love to my wife again.
Radar looks like he’s about to crack when Blake steps in.
BLAKE (Authoritatively) Pierce, McIntyre, stand down.
Hawkeye and Trapper take a step away.
BLAKE Look, I’ve been sworn to secrecy on this, but I know that you’ve both been working your insubordinate little heinies off, so I’ll make you a deal: if one of you wins this poker game I’ll give you the straight poop.
HAWKEYE And nothing but the poop?
BLAKE (Putting his hand up to swear an oath) So help me God.
Hawkeye and Trapper sit down in anticipation.
TRAPPER (Excitedly) Ok, let’s go, Henry!
HAWKEYE (Gleefully) This is going to be like taking candy from a colonel!
BLAKE (Confidently) Don’t count your winnings just yet, Pierce. I hear it’s open season on cocksure Captains this time of year.
INT. SUPPLY TENT – LATER
The game is just wrapping up after hours of poker with Hawkeye and Blake being the only remaining players. Trapper is cheering Hawkeye on while Klinger and Radar both sleep fitfully on the table. Hawkeye carelessly throws several bills into a massive pile in the middle of the table. Father Mulcahy is gathering the remnants of his money and preparing to leave.
MULCAHY (Rising to leave) I better call it a game if I’m to save any money for Sister Theresa’s Orphanage. Goodnight everyone.
The rest of the group mumble their farewells to Father Mulcahy without casting him another glance.
HAWKEYE Raise. $50.
BLAKE (Protesting) That’s more than the rest of the money I brought!
HAWKEYE (Calmly) Well then we’ll make it the last hand. Good news comes to those who wait, but we’ve waited long enough, Henry.
Blake looks at his cards and mulls his decision over.
BLAKE You drive a tough bargain, Pierce. But this time you’re bluffing. Call.
Blake confidently matches Hawkeye’s bet. He turns over his cards and announces his hand, fully expecting victory.
BLAKE (Smiling confidently) Straight.
Hawkeye and Trapper look devastated for a moment, but they are merely joking. Hawkeye slowly reveals his hand – a full house, jacks over aces.
HAWKEYE Sorry, Henry. Full house.
Blake looks shocked, his cigar falling from his mouth, then throws his cards down with contempt. Hawkeye and Trapper begin to laugh hysterically with excitement. The noise awakens both Klinger and Radar, who gradually become interested when they realize what has happened.
BLAKE Full house! You’d have to walk through a mine field to dig up cards like that in Korea!
TRAPPER (Slapping Hawkeye’s shoulders) They don’t call him the Uijeongbu shark for nothing!
BLAKE (Bitterly) We’re landlocked here, McIntyre, get your facts straight.
HAWKEYE He will, as soon as you tell us the big story!
Blake shakes his head, still in dismay at his loss. He finally composes himself to reveal the good news.
BLAKE All right, you won, and a deal’s a deal. The good news is that we’re getting a visitor tomorrow morning at 1100 hours, in recognition of our hard work over the past month and our great record of patching up the wounded.
TRAPPER Who is it, Henry? (Teasing) Must be somebody big if the army didn’t want you to tell anybody.
BLAKE (Sighing) Don’t remind me.
RADAR (Excitedly) It’s Bob Hope!
Hawkeye and Trapper look mystified. Blake looks irritated that Radar has stolen his thunder in making the announcement.
HAWKEYE (Stunned) The Bob Hope?
BLAKE The one and only. Mr. USO himself, the laugh riot of the links. I received the bulletins myself. It’s definitely true.
Suddenly the room erupts with loud cheering from Hawkeye, Trapper, and Klinger. Radar quickly joins in too. Blake tries to shush them all quiet.
BLAKE (Urgently) Remember this is supposed to be a secret. I don’t want the entire camp in a frenzy over it.
TRAPPER You can trust us, Henry. (Holding his hand up) Scout’s honour.
BLAKE (Doubtfully) When were you in the Boy Scouts, McIntyre?
HAWKEYE (Standing and gazing to the heavens for inspiration) Right you are, Henry. For a secret so crucial to morale around here we’ll have to swear on a fellowship more righteous than the cloth, and more noble than the scalpel.
BLAKE Such as?
HAWKEYE (Digging a credit card out of his pocket) Diner’s Club?
Blake holds his head in his hands.
FADE OUT.
|