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ACT THREE
INT. OFFICER’S CLUB – CONTINUOUS
Hawkeye and Trapper have clearly revealed the news of Bob Hope’s visit to the rest of the unit, as many members of the camp’s staff are gathered in the Officer’s Club in celebration. Music plays loudly on the jukebox. Hawkeye and Trapper are both dancing with pretty nurses. Radar looks nervous and timidly sips a Grape Nehi, knowing that Blake was hoping to keep the arrival of Bob Hope a surprise.
HAWKEYE (To his dancing partner) You know I used to crack a few jokes myself back in college.
NURSE (Sarcastically) I’ll bet.
HAWKEYE No, seriously. I used to perform at an open mic night every week to help pay my tuition.
NURSE (Jokingly) Really? How’d you ever manage to graduate then?
HAWKEYE (Shaking his head) Everyone’s a comedian.
Hawkeye makes his move and begins kissing his dance partner. Blake walks in and instantly realizes that the secret is out. He storms towards Radar.
BLAKE (Angrily) Who’s responsible for this Radar, or do I even have to ask?
Radar stammers nervously.
BLAKE Pierce and/or McIntyre.
Blake walks towards Hawkeye and firmly taps him on the shoulder. Hawkeye casually turns around and offers a beer to Blake.
HAWKEYE (Happily) Henry! Join the party!
BLAKE (Angrily) Pierce, what is the meaning of this? You knew this was supposed to be our little secret. Do you know what this is going to mean tomorrow if ICORPS finds out the whole camp knew of Bob Hope’s visit in advance?
Trapper joins the conversation to protect Hawkeye.
TRAPPER (Trying to mollify Blake) Come on, Henry, everyone here’s been just as under the gun as us the past few weeks. It’s not fair to keep this a secret. They need this just as much as we do. You can’t take that away from them.
HAWKEYE We just wanted everyone to share in the good news, and get to blow off a little steam with us.
Blake’s attitude gradually changes, and he becomes far more sympathetic and understanding.
BLAKE (Feeling guilty) All right, all right, gee, you boys sure know how to make your CO feel like a downright party pooper. But listen, tomorrow morning when the entire camp’s gathered around waiting for our mystery guest, you better tell everyone to act mighty surprised when Bob Hope strolls out.
HAWKEYE You got it, Henry. I can never say no to the puppy dog eyes of a lieutenant colonel.
BLAKE (Snatching the beer away from Pierce) In that case, I’ll have that drink now.
TRAPPER Hey! Hey! That’s the ticket!
The doctors return to their partying antics. Major Burns suddenly walks in, scowls at the sight of everyone enjoying themselves, and then approaches Pierce.
BURNS (Suspiciously) It’s the middle of the night, Pierce! Have you no shame? I order you to shut down this cheap speakeasy!
Pierce refuses to turn around and simply points in the direction of Blake, indicating that the party has the approval of the camp’s commanding officer. Frank backs off slightly, but is still curious as to what is going on.
BURNS (Dying to know more) Well at least tell me the occasion…
HAWKEYE (Finally turning around to face him) Bob Hope’s visiting us tomorrow, Frank. Apparently ICORPS figured even a comedian could operate better than you. They heard he can do quite the appendectomy with a three wood, and you wouldn’t believe what that sand wedge is capable…
BURNS (Cutting him off) That’s rich, Pierce. Almost as comical as the idea of this camp needing more silliness to wash down all your gross insubordination and casual disrespect for your (pointing at his garb) country’s uniform. (Holding his belt with authority) Why couldn’t ICORPS send us a real leader? Somebody with a true story to tell, like MacArthur, or Truman?
Hawkeye, now upset, leaves the nurse he was dancing with and confronts Frank.
HAWKEYE (Yelling) Maybe because we’ve been swimming in enough death around here without having to be brought face to face with those who delivered it right to our doorstep!
BURNS (Patting his sidearm) It’s no laughing matter keeping the world safe from the red menace, bub.
Hawkeye rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. Trapper approaches to try and calm both men down.
TRAPPER
Without thinking, Frank quickly responds.
BURNS Still on duty! (Realizing his indiscretion) What does that matter, though? It’s not like I care whether or not she’s on duty. We’re just friends! (Looking at both doctors in rage) Why…you…you…nosy creeps! Stay out of my business!
Frank storms off as Hawkeye and Trapper both laugh hysterically at his expense.
INT. – MAJOR HOULIHAN’S TENT – CONTINUOUS
Frank enters Margaret’s tent. She has just returned from duty and is putting several items of clothing away. Frank rushes forward to embrace her.
FRANK (Relieved to see her) Oh, Margaret!
MARGARET (Impatiently) Easy, Frank. I’ve had a long day and I’ve got a headache. Could you get me two Aspirin from my nightstand?
Frank pouts but walks over to retrieve the medicine. He hands the bottle of Aspirin to her.
FRANK (Angrily) Just what I needed! You don’t know the day I’m having, Margaret.
MARGARET (Concerned) Why? What’s wrong, Frank?
FRANK All this talk of Bob Hope performing. Why do we need some dime store laugh factory to stop by and interrupt the serious work that we do around here? (Adding for effect) Doesn’t he know there’s a war on! All he’s going to do is encourage more slackers to follow in the footsteps of Pierce and McIntyre along the indecent path to insubordination.
MARGARET (Surprised) Is that really how you feel, Frank? I happen to think that the camp could use a bit of a pick-me-up, especially given all the fighting that’s been going on. Why, I don’t think any of us has had a day off in weeks! You must feel the same way, right, Frank?
FRANK (Pretending he was joking) Of course, Margaret! I was only kidding! You’re right, this is exactly what we all need right now.
She looks relieved and smiles broadly.
FRANK (Bragging) You know, I used to be a bit of a comedian myself, Margaret.
MARGARET (Impressed) Really, Frank?
FRANK At Fort Benning I was voted ‘Company Clown’, and the CO even called me the funniest officer he’d ever met, (mumbling) although I think he might have been talking about my appearance. (Putting his leg up on Margaret’s bed) Why, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for a chuckle back in those hazy, crazy training days. I even once dropped a grenade into the latrine just for kicks (trailing off), mind you, that was an accident… but the whole camp was so hysterical over that one that they chased me for hours over it, just to try and congratulate me. But I told them that I preferred not to bask in the warm glow of the spotlight, which is why I kept running away from them.
MARGARET (Impressed) Oh, Frank! Is there anything you can’t do?
FRANK (Arrogantly) If there is, I haven’t found it yet, but the point is, tomorrow morning during Bob Hope’s visit, I’m going to finally prove to this entire M*A*S*H unit just how funny I really am.
MARGARET (Excitedly) I can’t wait!
Margaret and Frank kiss passionately and fall on her bed.
FADE OUT.
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