Rating: PG

ACT FOUR EXT. CAMP - MORNING The entire camp is gathered around a makeshift stage with banners strewn up along it, and American, South Korean, and United Nations flags setup nearby. The staff has clearly been waiting for a considerable amount of time already, as several people are impatiently glancing at their watches. Radar suddenly emerges from his office and sprints across the compound to Blake, who is pacing anxiously. BLAKE What’s the deal, Radar? (Whispering) He didn’t cancel on us, did he? RADAR (Whispering as well)No, sir, he’s just been delayed. The enemy somehow learned of his visit and threatened to (reading a notice slowly) ‘Replace your Imperialist laughter with the tears of the mournful, while we enjoy a brotherly chuckle at your expense.’ Blake seizes the note, and holds it to Radar angrily. BLAKE Is this really what passes for comedy in North Korea? Imagine the nerve of trying to assassinate somebody like Bob Hope! Well, how much longer is he gonna be, Radar? RADAR Not long, sir. Security is taking a bit longer scouting the road ahead of his convoy. BLAKE Ok, thanks, Radar. I guess I better tell the camp what’s going on. Blake walks up the stage and instantly receives a chorus of teasing boos. He smiles and motions to have the camp quiet down to receive his address. Nobody falls silent until Hawkeye rises from the crowd and makes the exact same motion himself. Blake glares at Hawkeye. BLAKE (Smiling to soften the blow) I’ve just received news that our ‘special guest’ has been delayed just a little bit longer. The booing resumes at a louder pitch. BLAKE I want to thank you all for your patience. Now if you just sit tight we’ll get the show underway as soon as our ‘special guest’ gets here. The booing continues as Blake walks off stage. A few tomatoes are thrown and narrowly miss him. Major Frank Burns appears out of nowhere and commandeers the microphone before anybody can stop him. In the audience, Margaret claps eagerly and grins towards him. BURNS (In a tacky comedic voice) All right, ladies and germs, I hope you’re ready for the show of a wartime. Are you ready to laugh? Frank holds the microphone out in expectation of a response, but the camp is just confused as to why he has taken the stage. Hawkeye and Trapper are both laughing uncontrollably. BURNS (Soldiering on) Let me tell you about these two bozos I work with, Pierce and McIntyre. The audience cheers in recognition of the two doctors. TRAPPER (Looking to Hawkeye) Hey, that’s us! BURNS (Sarcastically) Yeah, real hotshot doctors, those two. BURNS These clowns are so insubordinate… RADAR (Playing along from the back of the crowd) How insubordinate are they? BURNS Well let’s just say that if they’d been in the army during the Revolutionary War, they would’ve been flogged more times than we’ve carpet bombed Pyongyang! The audience barely responds to the joke. A dog is heard barking across the compound. Hawkeye and Trapper both snicker in bemusement. Frank looks around awkwardly, but smiles when he finds Margaret laughing loudly to herself. BURNS And you know, the funniest part is, if I were to try and perform my rightful, patriotic duty and flog these two glorified beatniks, I’d be the one who’d get court-martialled! Again, the audience simply does not take to Frank’s sense of humour. Blake is seen holding his head in embarrassment. A few boos can be heard amid the silence. Hawkeye and Trapper snicker to themselves after noticing Margaret’s loud laughter in support of Frank, who is looking around sheepishly, not knowing how to proceed. TRAPPER (To Hawkeye) That’s dirty pool, attacking us at our own game like that. We don’t go around committing malpractice, so why does he have to usurp our monopoly on the funny bone in this camp? You know what this means, right? HAWKEYE (Deadpan) War! The surgical glove gauntlet has been thrown down. TRAPPER (Jokingly) Along with Frank’s dignity and just about every jaw in this place. (Turning serious) You better get up there and defend our honour. Hawkeye nods in agreement. He rises and proceeds to walk onto the stage. Frank reacts with childish rage. BURNS (Yelling) Hey! You can’t come up here! This is my show! Margaret stands and begins shouting as well. MARGARET (Shouting) Don’t let him do this to you, Frank, you outrank him! (Turning to Colonel Blake) Colonel, you can’t let him get away with this! Blake shrugs, refusing to intervene. BLAKE As far as I’m concerned, the uniforms come off on that stage, Major. My hands are tied. Margaret shrieks with rage and sits down. Hawkeye just motions to Frank, indicating that he wants the microphone. Frank reluctantly hands it over to Hawkeye. Frank slowly exits the stage in shame. HAWKEYE (Clapping his hands) Give it up for Major Frank Burns everybody! Come on, let’s hear it! With a bit of encouragement the camp begins boisterously applauding him. Frank cracks a smile and takes his seat. HAWKEYE No, I mean it. It takes a lot of nerve to come up here and do what Frank did, but I’d be a fool not to respond to his brash insults so long as I have your attention. (To the audience) Do you want to hear that? The crowd applauds wildly. HAWKEYE All right, then let’s get started. Frank Burns is so incompetent… RADAR (Playing along) How incompetent is he? Margaret turns around in her seat to scowl at Radar, who looks down fearfully. HAWKEYE (Continuing) For over a year now, he’s been on the North Korean payroll for putting so many American GIs in the hospital, but doesn’t even now it. The audience cracks up instantly with laughter and clapping. Frank blushes for a moment, but soon joins in the fun. HAWKEYE Apparently Kim Il-Sung just doesn’t know where to address the checks. The laughter persists until Hawkeye begins the next joke. HAWKEYE But all kidding aside, he’s the most patriotic guy I know. Frank Burns is so patriotic… RADAR (Cupping his mouth) How patriotic is he? HAWKEYE Frank Burns is so patriotic that he put down his dog just for giving the American flag the stink eye. The crowd bursts into laughter and applause again. Radar looks worried about the imaginary fate of Frank’s old dog. RADAR (Terrified) That poor dog! A convoy of jeeps suddenly interrupts Hawkeye’s performance. The applause continues, however, when the camp recognizes Bob Hope in one of the vehicles. The convoy gradually comes to a stop while the cheering simply gets louder. Hawkeye joins in the applause. Bob Hope is seen stepping out of his jeep, holding a golf club. He waves to the camp happily, and walks towards the stage. HAWKEYE (Introducing him) Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable, Bob Hope! Bob Hope steps onto the stage and shakes Hawkeye’s hand. Hawkeye looks star-struck, but manages a sincere smile, before walking off the stage to take his seat. TRAPPER (Congratulating Hawkeye) Not a bad effort, Hawk, but Frank got saved by the bell. You gotta deliver the knockout punch next time. HAWKEYE (Still in shock) I can’t believe it’s really him. Bob Hope, at the 4077th! Bob Hope swings his golf club playfully before launching into his material. BOB HOPE (Gratefully) Thanks so much for your patience, everyone. It really means a lot to me. I know my visit was supposed to be a surprise, but the North Koreans sort of put a damper on that one. From what I gather they were hoping to assassinate me on this trip out to see you wonderful people. (The audience boos loudly) I guess I have my critics everywhere. The staff laugh and clap loudly in support. BOB HOPE But seriously, I’m here because of all of you, and your terrific record in treating the wounded who come through your camp, many of whom wouldn’t have made it out of here alive without you. For your tireless efforts, in challenging circumstances, the Army can never thank you enough. You selflessly save lives here every day, and for that, I just want to convey to you the gratitude of not just ICORPS, but also yours truly. The cheering becomes almost deafening. BOB HOPE And I know you’ve been away from your loved ones for a very long time now, all of whom must miss you tremendously. Now I can’t bring you back to your families any sooner, but I want you to know that the work you do here really means something, and will surely never be forgotten, not by the United States Army, not by our South Korean allies, and not by the United Nations! The crowd looks sad at the thought of their families back home, but cheers his remarks regardless. BOB HOPE (Trying to bring back the audience’s spirits) All right, now let’s have some fun! The camp finally settles down to enjoy Bob Hope’s act. BOB HOPE Now how about that President Truman? I hear he might not be running for president again next year. But that shouldn’t be any surprise. In 1948 he won by such a narrow he might not have made it if Bess hadn’t voted for him. The joke receives a round of laughter and applause. BOB HOPE I like President Truman, though, aside from the fact that he rules the country with an iron fist – the same way he plays the piano. The camp laughs with amusement. BOB HOPE Have you heard Senator McCarthy’s at it again, though? I have it on good authority that he’s about to disclose the names of over two million Communists. He just got his hands on the Moscow telephone directory. The camp erupts with laugher. BOB HOPE Rumour is that General Eisenhower is thinking of making a presidential bid, though. The camp enthusiastically cheers at the news. BOB HOPE But I happen to know why he’s running for president. It’s the only way he can get out of the army! The audience cheers enthusiastically. HAWKEYE (To Trapper) That’s a brilliant plan! BOB HOPE (Holding the golf club to show the audience) He’s not much fun to play a round of golf with, though. It’s hard to play a guy who rattles his medals while you’re putting. The staff responds happily with thunderous applause. HAWKEYE (Trapper) Why didn’t I think of that? TRAPPER (Shooting his idea down) You don’t have any medals. BOB HOPE I’m afraid he’s not much of a golfer, either. Why, the last time I played golf with General Eisenhower he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark… Almost the entire camp laughs wildly, but Colonel Blake particularly enjoys the joke. BOB HOPE (Pointing to Colonel Blake from the stage) Now I’ve heard that your Commanding Office, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake… The camp explodes with boisterous cheering in recognition of their leader. Blake blushes nervously, and points to himself in confusion. BOB HOPE I’ve heard that Colonel Blake is also a bit of a golfing aficionado. Bob Hope has to wait for all the applause to quiet down before continuing the joke. BOB HOPE But from what I gather he’s still got a long way to go in perfecting his game. Why, the other day I heard from General Hammond that you never have to ask Colonel Blake’s score after playing golf with him – all you have to do is count the casualties! Wild laughter consumes the audience, especially among Hawkeye and Trapper, who are both laughing hysterically. The camera punches in on Colonel Blake, who is laughing politely, but looks rather embarrassed. FADE OUT. THE END