Rating: R (language, violence)

The Grand Rapids O'Reillys

by John Cooper II

Chapter 1: Radar proposes matrimony to Bigelow

After just having arrived in SAN FRANCISCO at the airport, not to mention being mistaken for B.J. by an infant sized ERIN HUNNICUTT it was best for RADAR to spent the night in the SAN FRANCISCO FAIRMONT HOTEL. Come morning RADAR took a cab to UNION STATION. From there he boarded a UNION PACIFIC train to KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI. Upon arrival there he changed trains, thereby boarding a MINNEAPOLIS & ST. LOUIS train to his own hometown of OTTUMWA, IOWA. Just 5weeks after returning to OTTUMWA he got a letter from MAUREEN BIGELOW of whom was both an army nurse as well as a LT.'S rank. The letter read like so:

My Dearest Darling RADAR,
It has been some time since we parted when you left the camp for the final time & the camp was without a generator. But even so I want you to know that I'll be more than glad to except your proposal of matrimony to me. If you've not yet chosen a best man why don't you ask either HAWKEYE or KLINGER, unless you'd prefer MAJOR WINCHESTER!? As soon as the war ends I'll make a trip out to OTTUMWA to see you & your relatives. After all, I've not laid eyes on a farm since I left my hometown of BEAVER FALLS, PENNSYLVANIA. Besides you've especially gotta introduce me to your eccentric Uncle HANK from GRAND RAPIDS, MINNESOTA on your father's side of your family. His 5,500 acre ranch sounds a like a nice place to live at, if he's left it to you in his last will & testament. More wounded are coming in. Will write another letter to you after surgery work.
P. S. Say hello to your cows for me!!!!!

So with that letter in his bedroom of the old O'REILLY farmhouse he put the letter under his mattress & drove to the jeweler's to pick out the best 14karat diamond engagement ring. Upon picking it out he paid the jeweler in full & gift wrapped it for mailing to his beloved Nurse MAUREEN BIGELOW with a letter reading as follows:

Dearest MAUREEN,
I hope the ring fits even though it's the best that money could buy at this point in time. Also, I've narrowed down my best man choices between HAWKEYE & MAJOR WINCHESTER. Just choose your maid-of-honor, or matron-of-honor (which ever you prefer) quickly! Now about the exchanging of vows date? Would it be too inconvenient to select either MAY 1ST, or MAY 8TH of 1954? If you want something closer to JUNE perhaps you'd like the 29TH of MAY 1954 just the same!? Now if the ring don't fit I can return because I always keep my receipts, especially for income tax purposes. According, to the latest news reports the war should be ending soon. See Y'ALL in OTTUMWA. YOURS
P. S. I'll pick you up the MINNEAPOLIS & ST. LOUIS R.R. passenger depot here in town.

Meanwhile, back in KOREA. FATHER MULCAHY was talking to SIDNEY FREEDMAN about a strange dream he'd had, which apparently was more of a nightmare because he said that he was the chaplain of a V.A. hospital in MISSOURI with COL. POTTER as the chief surgeon & KLINGER as the chief intern. Then he began talking about a new dream he'd had in which GOD appeared to him saying "JOHN FRANCIS PATRICK MULCAHY. You've served me well in the JESUIT order of the AMERICAN ROMAN-CATHOLIC CHURCH for many years. Now you need a change of worship. First you will go to the VATICAN & stock up on a great many barrels of holy water blessed by the pope. Then you will hide the holy water & resign from the JESUIT order so as to become a full-fledged minister of the PENTECOSTAL faith. This way you can find yourself a spouse, raise a family, & still be a loyal to me at the same time!" So after hearing of these to dreams SIDNEY'S advice to MULCAHY WAS AS FOLLOWS: "Well, now FATHER. I never thought you'd wanna leave the CATHOLIC church to become a Pentecostal? I mean how is your bishop, let alone your cardinal gonna react when they get word of you planning to leave the order & all?" MULCAHY replied "You must remember SIDNEY that the lord thy god works in mysterious ways, you know." "I get the point". So MULCAHY was officially the last person in the 4077TH staff to leave KOREA to go stateside. Then as he followed GOD'S request of him to stockpile holy water & then convert from JESUIT to PENTECOSTAL he began to wonder where he should build his church at after being ordained as a PENTECOSTAL pastor? So a deal was made by RADAR'S Uncle HANK O'REILLY to give MULCAHY a vacant piece of land near the old BOOT HILL CEMETERY in GRAND RAPIDS. So MULCAHY then began construction on THE CATTLEBREEDERS PENTECOSTAL CHURCH of GRAND RAPIDS, MINNESOTA figuring that most of his congregation would be in the cattle business in ITASCA COUNTY. The only other reason he got the land to begin with was that years earlier HANK O'REILLY tried prospecting on it for iron ore, but found none. Therefore he got rid of a small piece of worthless land he'd owned all these years in the process. Soon enough RADAR had passed his civil service exam to apply to start out as an ITASCA COUNTY deputy before running for the office of sheriff in 1957. However, tragedy came before RADAR went to the SHERIFF'S ACADEMY in ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA. Uncle HANK had been tromped to death by an ARABIAN GELDING horse with rabies. Since RADAR did not have the heart to shoot the gelding he let COL. SHERMAN T. POTTER pull the trigger on that nameless gelding. So he made his way through the 6month training course. As a result he finished 1ST in his class as his wedding day to NURSE BIGELOW drew closer.

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