Chapter 2: Radar Takes the Oath of Office

It was close to sunset as RADAR O'REILLY & his boss SHERIFF EDGAR EDMUND PENROD were wrapping up a day of patrolling in the 1956 FORD FAIRLANE 500 police cruiser they drove. Suddenly a call came in over the radio saying that there were 2 unknown men seen breaking into a fishing cabin near LAKE WINNIBIGOSH on the western end of ITASCA COUNTY. RADAR figured that it would not hurt to check on the situation seeing as how there was suspicion of a possible breaking & entering in progress. They slowly approached the cabin with the patrol car. Then they shut off the engine to keep from being noticed. Then they got close to the door. RADAR stood off to the side & knocked on the door. Then a voice with an Italian accent was heard saying "Who'd is it? Whatch do yah wanta?" SHERIFF PENROD identified himself saying

"COUNTY SHERIFF. We just wanna know why you're using this cabin without permission of the owner?" That did it! The 2 men inside of the cabin got their pistols & prepared their .38's for a shootout against .45 caliber COLT PEACEMAKER REVOLVERS.

Then another voice rang out in a Polish accent saying "Come and gets us, PIGS!?" SHERIFF PENROD began shooting through the door. But the men inside also opened fire. As SHERIFF PENROD fell backwards RADAR opened fire with both his revolver & the revolver of SHERIFF PENROD, too! Soon the 2 men inside the cabin namely, MARIO BANDUCCI and NICHOLAS STIVIC both of whom were members of the BUBBLINO crime family of the HORSEHEADS, NEW YORK suburb of ELMIRA lay dead on the cabin floor. RADAR called in on the police radio for the coroner & a back up unit in case any spectators should show up. As for SHERIFF PENROD he was losing lots of blood! RADAR knew the kind of bullet wounds were similar to the ones U.S. Military boys had inflicted onto soldiers from both red CHINA & NORTH KOREA when he was at the 4077TH.

Quickly he began to race SHERIFF PENROD'S loss of blood know an ambulance would not get to the cabin in time. As the patrol car halted in front of the hospital for the medical school for the UNIVERSITY of MINNESOTA at DULUTH nearly side-swiping an intern out in front of the building he said "POLICE emergency! Officer shot! Need a surgeon fast!" Quickly he got SHERIFF PENROD in for registration as a patient. Back in GRAND RAPIDS RADAR called HAWKEYE & said "SHERIFF PENROD'S been shot! Bring everyone to the UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER HOSPITAL for the UNIVERSITY of MINNESOTA at DULUTH. Hurry!"

HAWKEYE replied "We're en route as of now, RADAR!" As they were waiting for the x-rays to be developed SHERIFF PENROD said to RADAR "O'REILLY my boy. I feel I smell maple syrup being freshly tapped from the trees. Do you smell it, too!?" RADAR said "All I smell is the cleaning fluid they use on the floors of the hospital, SIR." "Well, I guess I smell that fresh maple syrup being tapped from the maple trees across the RIVER JORDAN, RADAR!" "Why the RIVER JORDAN, SIR? ISRAEL has no maple trees if I recall correctly, SIR!?" "RADAR, just remember if I do not live through my surgery please run for sheriff of ITASCA COUNTY in my place, please!?" "YES SIR!" As the surgeons did their best to remove the .38 caliber bullets from SHERIFF PENROD, HAWKEYE & the others, including MRS. PENROD showed up. By midnight MINNESOTA time the chief surgeon of the hospital came & said "MRS. PENROD. I'M sorry. Your husband is dead. It was not the loss of blood that killed him. His heart just gave out from the strain of the surgery. Please accept my sympathies." Soon afterwards came SHERIFF PENROD'S funeral at the funeral parlor of GATEMAN, GOODBURY, & GRAVES. An apprentice undertaker named HERMAN MUNSTER was put in charge of helping a corpse prepare for the cemetery for the very first time!

MAXWELL Q. KLINGER brought some flowers that were native only to LEBANON. KLINGER'S wife SOON-LEE had brought flowers that were native to KOREA. Seeing as how there were no bullet wounds to SHERIFF PENROD'S head it was an open casket ceremony. SHERMAN POTTER recalled "I played checkers a lot with that old goat & we went fishing for NORTHERN PIKE now & then, too! I'll certainly miss the ol' buzzard." One familiar voice remarked "He was my best friend when we were boys at WEST POINT." HAWKEYE then realized that was the voice of his father-in-law ALVIN C. "HOWITZER" HOULIHAN. Old HOWITZER said "Goodbye EDGAR you old joker. I will not forget the time you got the head commander of WEST POINT in trouble with that senate fact finding committee when you switched his Cuban cigars for the exploding kind you old rogue of a good ol' boy!?" MULCAHY now a full-fledged ordained PENTECOSTAL minister said "There can never be enough words of expression to remember all of the memories that EDGAR EDMUND PENROD left here on EARTH now that he has gone to his retirement & final reward in HEAVEN. He always said to me that EARTH is our home, HEAVEN is retirement, & only HADES (the Greek word for HELL) is prison. I'M quite sure that mainly BAPTISTS only think of EARTH as prison & HEAVEN as home, but when their judgement day comes to them they'll either float in endless limbo or burn in the fire and brimstone of PURGATORY. So with that I say let us pray shall we?" Then MULCAHY began to about the scripture that would later be used by THE BYRDS in their NO.#.2 all-time money maker "TURN, TURN, TURN". Later at the graveyard MULCAHY read THE LORD'S PRAYER by saying "Our father who art in HEAVEN. Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on EARTH as it is in HEAVEN. Give Us this day our daily bread. Forgive Us of our trespasses & debts as we forgive our trespassers & debtors. & lead Us not into temptation, but deliver Us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, & the glory. Forever. AMEN!" After that MRS. PENROD moved to the old POTTER residence (SHERMAN POTTER'S boyhood home near HANNIBAL, MISSOURI), you know!?

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