"Okay. She approaches the subject, gives a big ‘Oh, Frank,' and smothers him in kisses," Rag Doll whispers back. They were looking through the curtain at Frank.
"She me how it's done." Without saying a word, Rag Doll crept behind Frank.
"Oh Frank!" she screamed as she spun him around, grabbed him by the neck and began a long kiss. Just then, Frank's beloved, if covert, sweetheart came walking through the curtain. Frank's eyes were widened as Rag Doll continued the kiss. Margaret stared at the Rag Doll, having a sweet kiss with Frank.
"Captain Pierce--Captain Pierce! Rag Doll! Rag Doll, get off of him!"
"It was an early un-birthday present. I figured you wouldn't mind, Major. After all, you aren't seeing each other." Margaret tried to speak but was tongue tied by Rag Doll's last response.
"That woman's an animal--she's a snake--she's--" Major Burns was saying.
"I'd say an angel." Margaret gave Frank a good punch in the face. "You weren't exactly resisting."
"See you later, Frankie-Pooh," Rag Doll exclaimed as she blew a kiss at him.
Later, Rag Doll was on duty in post-op. She was looking over Hawkeye.
"Food's ready in the mess tent. You want me to get you some?" Hawkeye just lay there as if struck dumb. Have you ever tried the food here, Rags? You wouldn't believe how disgusting it is. Not to mention I can't even pick up a spoon because of today's incident. Hawkeye thought.
He lifted his hands revealing the bandages. "It's okay, I'll feed you myself. Hey, you know we got to find a way to communicate. With your throat like that I know you can't talk. I know, blink once for yes and twice for no. Once for good and twice for bad." Hawkeye blinked once. "Ah, I see you're getting it."
"Hey, you're really good with your patients," Nurse Able says as she grabs some more gauze out of the cabinet.
"I've had practice."
"Is it true that Hawkeye's your cousin?" Rag Doll smiled. She was proud to know Hawkeye. He was her role model, a king of her time. Practical jokes may have run in the family, but Hawkeye was more than just a book of jokes.
"I know he's the king of love and the prince of pranks but--I want to know, does Hawkeye ever--show an emotional side?" Rag Doll didn't have to think about this for a second. She knew some things that even his Dad didn't know.
"Yeah, he does. Once he--he--saved me from who would have been my guardian."
"Well, Hawkeye was twenty, and I was sixteen at the time. My Dad and Mom were killed in a car accident while driving home from a wedding. They read out my Dad's will, and it said that I was to be given to a Benjamin Pierce. There were two Bens in my family. One was Hawk, and the other was my Uncle Daniel's older brother. He hated kids."
"So what happened?" I'll tell you what happened, Able. I fought for her. I knew what he was like, and I fought for her. There was no way she'd be living with a person like that.
"Well, he told the judge how the living conditions were in Uncle Daniel's house and that it's the perfect environment for a young girl to grow up."
"Did he win?"
"I grew up right, didn't I?" Rag Doll began to walk away.
"Hey. He said that he had a sister once. But another time, he told me that he was an only child."
"I'm the only sister Hawk has."
Rag Doll went to the mess tent and stood in line for the tray of slop. As she looked at the food, Annie thought that it would be a better idea just to go fix something for him in the kitchen. She made the biggest feast you'd ever seen. Corporal Klinger stuck his head through the door, as did a few other people at the 4077th.
They hadn't smelled food like that in a long time. Their noses were full of the heavenly aroma of real food. But Rag Doll wouldn't let them touch a crumb. As she brought the feast in for all the wounded, Hawkeye knew immediately that she was the cook. Annie handed out the food. Then she fed Hawkeye as well as ate some herself.
As the meal ended, Frank entered the room. "I'm here to relieve you," Frank commented.
"You don't know how long I have been waiting to hear that! You can reveal my pain," Rag Doll replied.
"Well you see, I have had this pain in my shoulder for a while."
"Where does it hurt?" Rag Doll took out a squirt gun and doused Frank with it. Rag Doll gave him a kiss and left the room.
Back at the swamp, Rag Doll and Samantha were making some martinis in the still. They knew how to operate the thing because of Trapper's thousands of letters to his sister. "Oh, this stuff is terrible, Sam. Give me some more." The swamp looked like it usually did. There were things all over the place, shirts on the floor and everything. But there was one difference, more girls' clothes. Just then Margaret came in. She went to go and unlock her footlocker, but it was already opened. "Hey, my foot locker's been opened! Have you two been snooping through my things?"
"Oh, no. Why would we do that, Major? Rags and I were just having a drink and writing in our journals. ‘Dear Diary, Frank and I have been having a great time since Hawkeye hasn't been around, but there's something about him not being there that makes me scared. I think I even miss him.'"
"Hey, you creep! That's my diary entry!" She looked back through her footlocker. "Wait a minute! Where's my underwear?"
"Have you saluted the flag lately?"
"No, Sam, I haven't."
Margaret had an idea immediately of what the two cretins had done. She'd figured that they'd pull a stunt like Hawkeye and Trapper would have. As she stepped out into the compound, she saw her underwear on the flagpole. But something was different from the pranks that Hawkeye would pull. All her of underwear had been sewn together.
Colonel Potter was working peacefully in his office when he heard a heart-wrenching scream. He wondered what was going on. But when he thought of Rag Doll and Samantha--well, let's just say he knew which two were responsible. As he came out, his attention was drawn to the flagpole. Sherman saw in big black lettering ‘Margaret's Undies.' The pieces of cloth that were sewn together up there were obviously more than just your average everyday material.
Ten minutes later both Samantha and Rag Doll were in Colonel Potter's office drinking scotch as they listened to the lecture that was usually reserved for Hawkeye and BJ. "You two are beyond my understanding! Why in the world would you do such thing?"
"She interrupted Annie's kiss with Frank."
"She gave Sam a hard time in OR."
"Did she do anything to your underwear?" The Colonel yelled.
Rag Doll's response wasn't exactly eloquent. "Well--umm--no, but she's mean." Colonel Potter smiled. Those girls were worse than Hawkeye and BJ. He knew that more trouble was about to come. He didn't say anything, though. The thought that followed the conversation removed the smile quickly. Hawkeye is still missing in action.
That night, Major Houllihan was afraid to go to sleep around those two, so she went over to her old tent to visit Frank. "Oh, Frank! Those two are so--"
"Its okay, Margaret, I'm here." If they'd looked out the window, they'd have seen Rag Doll and Samantha with two big helium bottles. In Rag Doll's other hand was a tape recorder, which of course was taping.
"Are you sure this will work?" Sam asked Annie in a whisper.
"They were mean. My underwear is still hanging up there." Frank gave her a kiss and began sniffing her hair.
"Mmm, you smell great, Major. I bet you taste good, too." Frank began nibbling on Margaret's ear.
"I will hold you forever, Frank. How could I live without you?"
"How could I live without you and your beautiful skin?" Frank squeezed her hard.
"Frank--my bottom--don't want to make it flat," Margaret says through smothered breaths.
"Nibble, nibble; kiss, kiss," Samantha whispered. Annie opened the helium tank.
"Shh! Watch." Rag Doll began filling the tent with helium.