Regular Cast: Hawkeye Pierce, Trapper McIntyre, Margaret Houlihan, Henry Blake, Frank Burns, Father Mulcahy, Maxwell Klinger, Radar O'Reilly
Guests (some were taken from Catch-22, but have no other resemblance except the name): Colonel Flagg, Colonel Irving Washington, Lt. Col. Major, Sergeant Snowden, Major Salgin
This story takes place somewhere after season two and before season four. It is kind of like "A Smattering of Intelligence" so you might get confused. Enjoy! If you have any comments e-mail me at: email@example.com
"Colonel, there's a man, that's in your office, that wants to see you, sir," said Radar.
"Then send him in," said Henry.
"He's in here sir," said Radar. A rather tall man with a pair of sunglasses on stood in front of Henry's desk.
"Hi there, what can I do for you, uhh, what was your name? I missed it," said Henry as he leaned back in his chair.
"No one told you my name. If I told you my name was Irving I would break every one of your toes," said the man.
"Jeez, you're serious, aren't you, Irving?" said Henry.
"I'm not Irving, I'm Washington," said the man. He took off his sunglasses.
"Jeepers, Washington, can't you just have one name? You're like that Colonel Flagg nut," said Henry as he tipped over in his chair and crashed on the ground. "I'm okay."
"Flagg, you say. What is Sam doing here?" asked the man.
"Oh, owww, he isn't here. Not that I know of, anyways. He could be under my desk for all I know. The last time I saw him was about five weeks back," said Henry as he picked himself up from off the floor.
"Good, no Flagg. Colonel write this down, no, memorize it, no, with your brains you had better write it down," said the man.
"Hey, owww, what kind of guy are you? Radar will you get me a glass of..." said Henry.
"Scotch," said Radar as he handed Henry an already filled glass.
"Thanks, Radar," said Henry. "Whoa, that is some tongue-curling scotch!"
"Right Colonel, number one, everyone here is one surveillance. There are cameras everywhere so watch what you're doing," said the man.
"Isn't that a little..." said Henry.
"Number two! No other intelligence personnel are allowed in," said the man.
"No Flagg, got it," said Henry.
"Number three, my name is Colonel Irving Washington. I was here, but now I'm not and you can call me Captain Laramie, cook," said Colonel Washington.
"Colonel Washington, I mean, Colonel Irving, no that's not right either, what was your other name? Okay, Mr. Intelligence, do you even know how to cook?" asked Henry as he wrote down everything Colonel Washington said. Radar listened to the conversation outside the door with a stethoscope like usual.
"Well, after tasting your food here, I think I'll do just fine. You might even want to hire me," said Colonel Washington.
"Hey, you're probably right. You're pretty funny for an intelligence guy," said Henry.
"I'm not funny," said Colonel Washington.
"Right, where are you from and why are you here. I mean, you Intelligence guys just don't show up for no reason. What is it, did we operate on a Communist? Did we donate money to a group of South Koreans that you don't approve of? Oh, it's probably that new batch of penicillin we got. Last time Flagg was here he tried to lift our penicillin," said Henry.
"Well, I'm with the CIA, but tell everyone I'm with the CID, and I'm not Russian. I'm here to investigate some patient of yours and I can't tell you who because it is top secret and there will be consequences if I do. You have penicillin, huh? Big market for that in the black market, but I don't know a thing about that," said Colonel Washington. "Also, I'm stuck here for a bit with a busted rib. My helicopter crashed and my jeep self-combusted."
"How convenient, of all the places in Korea you just had to end up here. Radar! Bring me another drink," said Henry.
"I will blend into the surroundings. Don't tell your people that Colonel Washington is here. In fact, he was never here, remember that," said Colonel Washington.
"I got lost somewhere between penicillin and crash. You are too dang confusing Colonel Whatsyourface," said Henry.
"Did you get all of that?" asked Colonel Washington.
"Whatever made sense," said Henry.
"Good, now burn it," said Colonel Washington.
"What? I'll never remember this stuff," said Henry.
"Wait, I have a better idea," said Colonel Washington. Colonel Washington snatched the piece of paper that Henry was writing on and ate it.
"What did you do that for?" asked Henry.
"I can't tell you. If I did I would have to tear your tongue out. Believe me, I have permission to do so," said Colonel Washington. Radar walked into Henry's office.
"Colonel, sir, there's another CIA man here to see you. A ..." said Radar.
"Captain Troy," said the man as he walked into Henry's office. He was wearing sunglasses, too.
"Radar, what is going on here? Get HQ on the phone and stuff away that stethoscope," said Henry. "Okay, Captain Troy, right? What's your story?"
"I'm not Troy, I'm Flagg," said Colonel Flagg as he whipped off his sunglasses.
"Oh dear Lord, why me," said Henry, "why me?"
"Did you say another CIA man?" asked Colonel Flagg.
"No, of course not, Colonel Washington was never here. Oh, damn," said Henry. "I never said that. Wait, where in the world did that guy go?"
"Who knows. So Irving's here, huh? That slippery little devil sure has a lot of nerve to go on assignment at the same time as me. That man is up to something and he better not get in the way of my business that I have here," said Colonel Flagg.
"You can't stay, Flagg. Colonel Washington is staying in the Swamp and the V.I.P. Tent is reserved for a buddy of mine," said Henry. "I guess you'll have to take your intelligence and high tail it out of here."
"Wait, I don't need somewhere to sleep. I can't sleep. If I do might give away some top secret information," said Colonel Flagg.
"Can't you guys just leave us alone? Last time it was penicillin. Then it was Frank. Go pick on a unit your own size," said Henry.
"Yeah," said Radar.
"Corporal, you better get out of here or I'll eat you for dinner," said Colonel Flagg.
"Cannibal," said Radar as he left.
"I've got orders to stay and I'm going to stay. Got it, Blake?" yelled Colonel Flagg. He grabbed Henry's shirt collar and got in his face.
"Sure do, now would you please let go? I can't breathe," said Henry.
"Thank you, Colonel," said Colonel Flagg. He let go of Henry and walked out the door.
The Officer's Club
"Trapper and Hawkeye, listen to this," said Radar.
"Spit it out, Radar," said Trapper.
"Colonel Flagg is back and there's this new guy named Colonel Irving Washington. They're here to track some top-secret patient we have," said Radar.
"Great, what do we have? A Communist, a Marxist, a Fascist, a Confederate?" said Hawkeye.