"M*A*S*H Notes." Trapper read then looked at Klinger with a surprised look on his face. "A newspaper?"
"That's right." Klinger nodded.
"A journalistic tradition since 5:00." Trapper chuckled again. "And how long did this 'journalistic tradition' last?"
"About three issues." BJ remarked, shooting his friend mischievous look.
"Well is it any wonder." Margaret commented as she noticed the column that she'd written. "Listen to what he did to my article about facials and mud packs: 'Take a mud pack mixture and spread it liberally over the breasts and thighs, making sure to coat the wings.'" Amused chuckles spread through the group as Charles added.
"Not to mention my recipe for Duck A L'Orange - 'For orange sauce to glaze properly it should remain on the face for 2 hours.'"
The crowd laughed with great amusement at the obvious mix up with the two columns. "Very good editing, Klinger." Trapper commented when he could finally speak.
"Okay, okay, so I goofed up. Nobody's perfect." Klinger admitted good-naturedly. "But check out the article that I wrote about Hawk's tonsil tickler tower."
Trapper and the others obliged, quickly skimming the pride of Klinger's editorial career. "Klinger, this story is nothing but quotes. All you did was put a bunch of things that Hawkeye said together and put a title on it."
"Isn't that what most reporters do?" Klinger pointed out, a little huffily.
"They usually add some of their own words as well." BJ remarked with a chuckle. Then clearing his throat he read: "'Daffy Doc Sticks Out Tongue Depressors at Washington.' Korea. 'The original Washington monument commemorates Washington the man, crossed the Delaware and gave his wooden teeth.' Dr. Benjamin Pierce commented as he stuck another tongue depressor on his tower. 'This one commemorates Washington the place which sent us across the Pacific and gave us wooden legs.' When asked the reason for this monumental tower Dr. Pierce replied: 'They sent us half a million of these [tongue depressors] which is monumental stupidity, so I'm building a monument to stupidity made out of tongue depressors and dedicated to all the wounded that have passed through here.' Anyone interested in seeing Dr. Pierce's newest creation, it is located in the compound next to the Mess Tent."
"Klinger I've read more entertaining obituaries." Charles commented with a shake of his balding head.
"Now, Charles, don't be too hard on the guy." Hawkeye said, giving his friend a sly look. "He was counting on this story wining him the 'Wulitzer' Prize."
BJ looked at Hawkeye and chuckled. "Isn't that the 'Pulitzer' Prize?"
"Well, that's what I always thought, but not according to Klinger." Hawkeye teased, giving the other man a mischievous look. "And he's our experienced reporter were just a bunch of dumb doctors."
"Radar, why does the last page say 'M*A*S*H 4077th Ten Year Reunion' on it?" Potter asked curiously as he stared at the page.
"Because it's been reserved for a group shot of all of us here at the reunion." Radar replied. "We figured after we finished with the program that we'd set up we'd take a picture of everyone and then send everyone a copy to put in their albums."
"That's a terrific idea, Radar!" Potter exclaimed eagerly. "I love it!"
"What else do you guys have cooked up for us, Radar?" Hawkeye asked curiously as he looked at his old friend expectantly.
"Well, the next thing that we thought we'd show was the 'Yankee Doodle Doctor' film." Radar replied as Klinger began setting up the film projector.
"Oh, goody, goody, goody!" Hawkeye exclaimed as he rubbed his hands together excitedly. "My big movie premier!" Leaning over to his wife he commented. "I bet you didn't realize that you were married to a big movie star."
"No, I didn't." Margaret replied, then with a sly grin added. "You certainly keep that fact well hidden." The rest of the crew chuckled as Klinger shut off the lights and began rolling the movie.
They eager crowd watched as a General drove up to the camera in a jeep and pulled to a stop.
"Hello, I'm Brigadier General Crandall Clayton. Among the thousands of brave Americans fighting in this scrap here in Korea, I have the honor to command a group of courageous, hard working medical men. The film you're about to see is a true record of service in a great cause. I'm sure it'll be as inspirational to you as it is to me, their leader."
"Oh, please." BJ groaned aloud as he rolled his eyes in disgust.
"I know, it's sickening isn't it." Trapper remarked.
"But don't worry, Beej." Hawkeye assured his friend. "We fixed his tune."
"I'll bet you did." BJ smiled knowingly. With an expectant grin he turned his attention back to the movie.
Frank's voice was heard in the background as the camera focused on the camp's busy compound.
"This is the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, somewhere in Korea..."
"Some storyteller." BJ exclaimed with a chuckle. "He didn't even know where we were."
"We never knew where we were either." Hawkeye remarked mischievously.
"Yeah, but we were usually drunk at the time." BJ pointed out. "He's sober, at least he sounds sober."
"With Frank, it's so hard to tell the difference." Hawkeye commented, shooting the victim of their little verbal barrage a sly look.
"True." BJ chuckled in agreement.
Potter turned to look at the rowdy pair. "Will you two clowns pipe down, I'm trying to listen."
"Sorry, Colonel." The two men replied, large grins on their faces.
"...not a very attractive military post..." Frank's narration continued.
"That's because it's a compost." Hawkeye whispered to his old buddies, shooting a wicked glance at their old CO. Potter merely looked at them and shook his head in amusement.
"...mainly because the men at the 4077th have no time for anything but the vital work they do."
Everyone roared with laughter as Radar, Hawkeye and Trapper posed, half dressed, for a few nurses.
"Juveniles." Margaret scolded, her expression serious but her eyes twinkling with amusement as she watched her husband do a pirouette and then lean on Radar's shoulder as he kicked his foot into the air.
"The men at the 4077th are on 24 hours a day. Always ready to receive those GI's who need medical help."
Just then Radar is pulled out of an ambulance on a stretcher. Nurse Margie Cutler came running up and called. "Doctor, Doctor, can you give him a hand?"
"I'd rather give you one." Hawkeye replied in a strong imitation of Groucho Marx.
"Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?" Radar asked in a very unsteady tone.
"I certainly am." Hawkeye replied to which Trapper honked his horn in confirmation.
"Gosh, I'm glad they brought me here." Radar remarked happily.
"Wait a minute!" Hawkeye interrupts. "Have you got a reservation?"
"A reservation?!" Radar exclaims in disbelief.
"I'm afraid were all booked up through New Years." Hawkeye told him. Trapper honks his horn again in agreement.
"But Doctor!" Radar exclaims in despair.
"Sorry, kid, you should have booked ahead." Hawkeye informed him seriously, then added. "Come to think of it, you should have booked the rest of the body as well." Radar puts his hand to his face in alarm as he's pushed back into the ambulance.
"Oh, my poor, Radar." Patty teased as she put her arms around her husband. Shooting Hawkeye a mock angry look she added. "What a heartless doctor you had!"
The group chuckled as the on screen Radar is being wheeled into the Operating Room. Frank's voice once again fills the air.
"Brave men struggle in a makeshift operating room while the dogs of war bark at the very door."
"Heads up everybody!" The nurse exclaimed excitedly as she rushed to Radar's side. Radar lifted his head in expectation and then grins as the nurse adds. "Yankee Doodle Doctor's coming." Margie pinches Radar's cheek, causing him to frown in mock annoyance.
Just then Hawkeye and Trapper walk in. Trapper blows his horn in greeting as Hawkeye says. "Is that patient prepared for surgery?"
"Yes doctor." The nurse replies eagerly.
"Well, I'm certainly glad one of us is." Hawkeye commented as he leaned against the head of the operating table. Standing back up he walked to Radar's side and added. "Tell me something, did you take his pulse?"
"Yes, doctor." The nurse confirmed.
"I told you to take his wallet, first things first." Standing back up he orders. "Let me have a scalpel." He holds out his hand to Trapper who undoes his robe and reaches inside. "Don't get undressed just give me a scalpel." Trapper pulls out a rubber chicken and hands it to his friend. "That's not a scalpel." Hawkeye comments as he tosses it away. Trapper then hands him a pick. "Well, that's not a scalpel." He tosses that too. Trapper then hands him a large saw. "Now that's what I call a scalpel!" Setting the saw, blade up, across Radar's stomach he comments. "If this hurts you'll be the first one to know."