"Hi Frank," she said seductively.
Frank ignored her attempt. "Margaret, I have terrible news!"
"What is it?"
Frank handed her the letter. She unfolded it and began to read it. A huge grin spread across her face.
"Dear Frank," she read aloud. "I miss you, Sweetheart. But that doesn't mean I'm not suspicious of what you're doing. There are a lot of pretty girls in Korea, and it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that you're only human. I love you, and as much as this pains me, I want a divorce. Please forgive me, but I can't live like this anymore. Love Always, Louise!" She shrieked and threw her arms around Frank's shoulders. "Frank, do you know what this means??" she yelled excitedly and held him at arm's length.
"I'm going to have to pay alimony?" Frank guessed.
"We can get married! Just like we've always wanted!"
Margaret moved away from Frank and stared off into the distance. She began to imagine an elaborate church wedding, with her in a beautiful wedding dress and Frank in his uniform. Father Mulcahy was performing the nuptials and all the guests were in tears. Hawkeye and Trapper weren't there and several of the nurses were Margaret's bridesmaids. After the ceremony, Frank and Margaret ran from the church while the guests threw rice and cheered.
She was in her own world. "Dr and Mrs Frank Burns..."
She grinned while Frank stood behind her with a forlorn expression on his face.
Name: Corporal Klinger, Section 8: Yes Please!
Klinger walked into the mess tent and gained a few strange looks. Not because of his outfit, but because of his lack of one. Instead of wearing a bright dress, his usual choice of clothing, he was in his uniform. He spotted Radar stuffing liver into his mouth and quickly joined him.
"I'm gettin' out of here!" he whispered excitedly.
Radar almost choked. He asked with a mouth full of liver, "Wha?"
"Everyone's gonna think I'm completely loony!" Klinger explained. "They're so used to seeing me in a dress, they'll think I'm a nut without one!"
Radar stared at Klinger, unable to rationalise his thinking.
Adrienne sat across from them with a cup of coffee, her third. She took a sip and it was still terrible. She screwed up her face and put the cup down. She noticed Klinger and screwed her face up even more.
"Hey, where's your dress?" she asked.
"I'm finally gettin' out! This will get me a Section 8 for sure!"
Adrienne blinked. "I don't follow."
"I wear dresses all the time," Klinger said, "and now everyone's used to it. If they see me in uniform and acting normal, they're going to think I've completely lost it!"
"Are you sure that will work?" Radar asked before shoving a whole roast potato in his mouth.
"I've tried everything to get out of here! I've tried to fly out, pretending I'm pregnant, anything I could think of and none of it worked!"
"And you believe this will," Adrienne said.
"It has to!" Klinger exclaimed, exasperated. "I don't know what else to do!"
Adrienne shrugged. "Well, good luck. I think you'd have a better chance if you married a goat, but it's up to you."
"Hey," Klinger realised. "That's a good idea! I haven't done that yet!"
He nodded to Adrienne in thanks and left the mess tent. Adrienne and Radar looked at each other.
"The saddest part is, he isn't the weirdest person I know," she commented.
Radar smiled and continued eating. Adrienne sipped her coffee. It was still bad. She put the cup down. She was pretty sure she had some decent instant coffee still packed in her suitcase. If someone hadn't stolen it.
Hawkeye sat alone in the Swamp after Trapper had been called to post op to check on one of his patients. Well, not quite alone. He had his old friend, Martini. He took a sip and savoured it. It was better than usual. That could have had something to do with the fact that Trapper had made it. He was always better at making them. Speak of the devil, Trapper trudged in and sat on his cot.
"Rough shift?" Hawkeye asked.
"Not really," Trapper answered. "Except for the head wound patient throwing up on me."
"Sounds fun," Hawkeye replied nonchalantly.
Trapper laid down on his cot and closed his eyes.
"What do you think of Adrienne?" Hawkeye asked out of the blue.
"She's nice. Good doctor. Why?" Trapper didn't add that he thought she was the prettiest girl he'd seen in... well, days.
"I was thinking..." Hawkeye grinned. "We haven't properly welcomed her."
Trapper sat back up. "What did you have in mind?"
"My father sent me some super glue," Hawkeye smirked, "and I've been wondering what to do with it."
Trapper smirked, too. He was sure he knew where Hawk was going with this.
Mrs Margaret Burns
Frank sat on Margaret's cot, distraught, having reread his wife's letter for the twentieth time. He just couldn't understand why she was doing this. He truly believed he had done nothing wrong. Of course, he was more concerned about losing his wife's money than losing his wife herself.
"Why is she doing this to me?"
Margaret wasn't listening. She was still imagining being Frank's wife while pacing the tent.
"We can have a big church wedding! Father Mulcahy can perform the nuptials!"
"How could something as brave and noble as serving my country make her think such a thing?"
"Oh, Frank, we're going to be so happy! Side by side, husband and wife... this war keeps getting better every day!"
They looked at each other.
"Oh, Frank!" Margaret exclaimed, excited.
"Oh, Margaret!" Frank exclaimed, devastated.
Margaret suddenly threw herself on him.
Adrienne jogged to Margaret's tent from post op. She wanted to discuss the head wound patient they worked on. He wouldn't stop throwing up and Adrienne was sure he'd picked up a post op infection. She'd given him a shot of Penicillin, but she wanted to discuss it with Margaret before she proceeded with further treatment. She went right in without knocking and saw more of Frank and Margaret than she cared to.
She quickly closed the door before she saw their reaction. Perhaps she could discuss the patient with someone else.
Is There a Doctor In the House? No? How About a Crazy Corporal? OK, Good.
Adrienne walked uneasily to the mess tent. She figured she'd probably need something with a harder edge than coffee after what she just saw, but she didn't have anything with her. She didn't usually drink much, for fear of turning out like her mother.
She quickly went inside the tent and rushed up to the coffee urn. She poured herself a cup and gulped it down, almost choking as the stuff nearly melted her esophagus. She poured another cup and sat down at one of the tables. Oh, that image would take a long time to forget.
Startled, Adrienne looked up to see Trapper standing next to the table. He sat opposite her as she sighed.
"Did you know that Frank and Margaret... Do stuff...?" she trailed off, desperately not wanting to describe what she saw.
"Hot Lips and Ferret Face? Yeah, everyone knows about their doing stuff."
"But they think no one does."
"God," Adrienne said, raising her eyebrows. "Schmucks."
Trapper smiled. He felt almost guilty for what he and Hawkeye just did to her. Almost. He decided to change the subject.
"What's your area of expertise?"
"Oh, uh, neurosurgery. Why I was sent to Korea. That reminds me, the head wound patient, Thompson, is still throwing up. I think he may have picked up a post op infection."
"That's Frank's area of expertise."
"After what I just saw, I think he should change his profession," Adrienne replied with a shudder. "Is there such a thing as a male Geisha?"