5

Trapper was just about to ask her if she was seeing anyone when some of the people in the tent erupted into wolf whistles. He turned around and saw something that scarred him for life.

Klinger. In a pair of black high heels. And only high heels. Adrienne stared wide-eyed for a moment before burying her face in her hands.

"Will it never end?!" she exclaimed, her voice muffled.

To make matters worse, Klinger jumped onto their table and began tap dancing. They looked away in disgust.

"Oh, as if the food wasn't enough to make me lose my appetite!" Adrienne shrieked.

Klinger finished tap dancing and began doing the Charleston.

"That's it," Trapper said, exasperated.

Trapper and Adrienne got up and ran out of the tent, leaving Klinger to entertain the troops, most of whom were cheering him on at this stage.

This Time The Joke's On Adrienne

Adrienne came into her tent and turned on the light. She stretched her arms above her head. What a first day. And it wasn't even over yet. She was about to lie down on her so-called bed when she realised she hadn't finished unpacking yet.

"Oy Vey," she muttered.

She picked up her kimono from the bed and was surprised when she pulled the blanket off with it.

"What the...?"

She tried to pull the blanket and kimono apart. They were stuck together.

"You have got to be kidding!" Adrienne exclaimed in disbelief.

She dropped the conjoined blanket/kimono and grabbed the handle of her suitcase. She tugged on it and almost pulled her arm off. She tugged harder and ended up falling over. She quickly stood back up, anger welling up inside her fast. She tried to pick assorted things up.

Books on the shelf.

Glued down.

Coffee pot.

Glued to the footlocker.

Flashlight.

Glued to the centre of the tent on the floor.

Just about everything she owned was glued down. Her reading glasses, Harvard coffee mug, packets of cigarettes, framed photo of her sisters (that one angered her the most), the Army Officer's Guide, and when she looked at the wall, she noticed that all of her matches had been glued on it to spell out, "Welcome to the 4077th".

Growling, she opened her makeup bag, which just happened to be glued down on the nightstand, and pulled out a metal nail file. She began to try to chisel the coffee pot off of the footlocker.

"I'll kill whoever the hell did this..."

As she chiseled away, two names suddenly popped into her head.

Pierce. McIntyre.

Dead. Men.

The Lecture

"ATTENTION, ALL PERSONNEL. TONIGHT, AT TWENTY TWO HUNDRED HOURS, LIEUTENANT COLONEL HENRY BLAKE WILL BE GIVING A LECTURE ON VENEREAL DISEASE. DON'T MISS IT, IT'S BOUND TO BE A CLASSIC."

After spending the entire afternoon chiseling everything that had been glued down, Adrienne was ready for a break. And by the sound of it, Henry's lecture was just the trick. She figured Hawkeye and Trapper would be there, and she decided to play it cool. She knew exactly what her revenge was going to be, after all, she'd had plenty of time to think about it, so there was no need to let them know that she knew it was them. Her revenge would be sweet.

She entered the mess tent. It was a full house. Hawkeye and Trapper were sitting up front, so she took a seat next to them.

"Hi," she smiled at Hawkeye. "What should I expect here?"

"Nothing," Hawkeye replied. "Nothing at all."

"Henry doesn't seem like the lecturing type," Adrienne said.

"He's not," Trapper replied. "This will be better than any movie you'll ever see."

"Really? OK."

While the crowd was talking amongst themselves, Henry was up front, trying in vain to get their attention. He waved his arms about, hoping the visual distraction would get them to quieten down.

"Uh, could I have everyone's attention?" he asked to no avail. "People, can I have some quiet?"

Everyone continued not paying attention.

Henry looked to his right hand man. "Radar?"

Radar stood on his seat. "Quiet," he said, barely raising his voice.

Everyone shut up.

"Uh, thanks, Radar," Henry said. He began uncomfortably, "Well, it's that time again."

"Spring break's here already?" Hawkeye immediately got stuck into him.

"Uh, no," Henry replied with an embarrassed chuckle. "Good guess. No, it's time for my monthly lecture. Like I said last month, only the enlisted men need be here. Having said that, let's move on to the lecture. Tonight's subject is..."

"Yes, Henry?" Hawkeye prompted.

"Tonight's subject is..." Henry repeated. He mumbled, "Venereal Disease."

"Sorry? I didn't hear that," Hawkeye persisted.

"Venereal Disease!" Henry practically shouted, embarrassed as hell.

Everyone started giggling. Adrienne looked around, slightly confused. She didn't find anything funny about VD. Unless they all knew something she didn't.

"Now, come on," Henry soldiered on, so to speak. "This is important. The treatment of this subject is, uh... is... uh..."

"Is what, Henry?" Hawkeye inquired.

"I'll answer questions later, Pierce."

"Will the answers make sense?" Trapper joined in.

The giggling continued. Adrienne joined in this time. She couldn't help it.

"Uh, the treatment of..." Henry mumbled the next part, "VD," then continued normally, "is, uh, very detailed."

"How detailed?" Hawkeye interrupted again.

"Spare nothing!" Adrienne got into the spirit.

Everyone laughed, with the exception of Frank and Margaret, who just looked annoyed.

"We are trying to listen to this lecture!" Frank snapped.

"I'd say you have a good reason to," Adrienne muttered. Frank didn't hear her, though.

"So are we," Hawkeye replied. "Who keeps interrupting?"

"You do!" Trapper said.

"Shut up, me!" Hawkeye exclaimed.

"Uh, the treatment of VD-"

"You said that already!" Hawkeye yelled.

"Oh." Henry pulled some cards out of his pocket and reviewed them. He made sure he had the right words in the right order before putting them back. "We'll skip the treatment part, I'm sure you know about that already."

"Speak for yourself!" Hawkeye joked.

Everyone was belly laughing by now. There was nothing like a lecture from good ole Henry Blake to boost morale.

"All that the Army asks is that you be careful. They don't want you going home infected with..." he trailed off, "this. Now, I know we all have needs, but you can't let that risk the health of your loved ones."

"Well said!" Hawkeye exclaimed.

"Round of applause!" Trapper stood and began applauding. Everyone quickly joined him, again with the exception of Frank and Margaret.

Henry looked over to Radar, who had a look of utter enthrallment on his face.

"Radar, hear any choppers?"

"No, Sir."

Henry cleared his throat. "Dismissed!"

He ran out of the tent.

"Let's hear it for Henry Blake!" Hawkeye shouted.

The entire mess tent erupted into cheers. Now Adrienne understood what was so funny about VD.