3

CUT TO:

INT. RADAR'S OFFICE 5:01PM

Henry and Radar come in. Henry turns around and faces Radar.

RADAR
I'll get the monthly...

HENRY
Radar, get the monthly...

RADAR/HENRY
...Fitness report ready, as well as the records for the monthly check up.

RADAR
I'll get the inventory too.

HENRY
And the inventory.

Henry sighs.

HENRY
Thank you Radar.

He turns around and goes into his office. Radar sits at his desk.

CUT TO:

INT. HENRY'S OFFICE 5:02PM

Henry comes in. He goes to his desk, gets out a set of keys, goes over to the liquor cabinet and opens it. He pulls out a bottle of rye. He goes back to his desk, grabs a glass, opens the bottle and pours the rye in. He looks at it for a second. Ah, rye. He drinks it in one gulp and is pouring a second glass when Radar rushes in.

RADAR
Uh, Sir?

HENRY
Radar, I said I didn't want to be disturbed!

RADAR
No you didn't, Sir.

HENRY
Oh. I wish I did...

RADAR
Sir, Klinger's here.

HENRY
Terrific. What does he want?

RADAR
I don't know, but he was talking to himself.

HENRY
That's a new one.

As Henry finishes pouring his rye, Klinger barges in, dressed in a white suit like Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca when she comes into Humphrey Bogart's bar for the first time (you know the one I mean). Henry looks at him and gulps the drink down.

KLINGER
Sir, I want you to meet someone.

Henry just stares at him expectantly.

KLINGER
This is my new best friend, Boris.

He motions to the space next to him. There's no one there. Henry looks at Radar, who shrugs back, just as confused as Henry.

KLINGER
He agrees with me.

HENRY
About what?

KLINGER
My Section 8. He believes as firmly as I do that I shouldn't be in the Army. He's prepared to do anything.

HENRY
Anything?

KLINGER
Anything! What's that, Boris? ... Oh, he says he won't be held accountable for his actions. He's very passionate about my cause.

HENRY
I'm sure.

KLINGER
What did you say, Boris? ... Oh, Boris says he likes you, Sir.

HENRY
That's nice. Klinger, do you think you and Boris could do me a favour?

KLINGER
Boris says anything for you, Sir.

HENRY
GET OUT!!!!

Klinger stiffens and looks at Henry indignantly. He turns around and heads for the door. He turns back around.

KLINGER
Boris says you haven't heard the last from us!!

He storms out with his head held high. Radar stares after him, his mouth open with shock.

CUT TO:

INT. MESS TENT 5:06PM

Frank comes in and gets in line. He picks up a tray and looks down his nose at Igor. Igor spoons some vegetables onto Frank's tray. He begins putting some creamed corn on it.

FRANK
I didn't ask for those!

IGOR
You didn't ask for anything, Sir.

FRANK
Don't backtalk an Officer!

IGOR
Sorry, Sir.

FRANK
One more word out of you and I'll have you court martialled! Am I making myself clear?

IGOR
Yes, Sir.

While Igor finishes putting food on Frank's tray, Margaret comes in, gets herself a cup of coffee and sits down. Frank goes over to her. Igor glares at him.

IGOR
Ferret Face.

Margaret smiles politely at Frank.

MARGARET
Good afternoon, Major.

FRANK
Good afternoon. Mind if I join you?

MARGARET
Not at all.

Frank grins as Margaret moves over. Frank sits next to her.

MARGARET
Having an early dinner, I see.

FRANK
Yes. I'm famished after spending the day keeping everything in check.

MARGARET
Of course.
(muttering)
When are you going to see Colonel Blake about our passes?

FRANK
(muttering too)
Later. I want to see another preview of your outfit first, you naughty girl.

MARGARET
(muttering)
Not until we're in Tokyo.
(normally)
Yes, the veal does look very good today.

FRANK
Yes it does!
(muttering/whining)
Come on, Margaret. I can't wait that long!

MARGARET
Oh, all right! Meet me in my tent in five minutes.

She gets up and leaves. Frank quickly starts shoveling his food into his mouth. He almost chokes on the veal.


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