(Cut to O.R. Tent, it is dark, and Trapper and Hawkeye stand outside)

HAWK: Hey, look. Isn't that Ferret-Face? Probably looking for another purple heart-heh heh.

TRAP: Hey, he's carrying someone.

HAWK: Oh my god-it's Reggie!

(Frank runs up to them, panting)

FRANK: Please...get her in there-she broke her leg-and, and I see she's developed a gash, back of the head!

TRAP: Ah man! Get her in.

(They all walk in, place her on table, apply gloves, etc.)

HAWK: Uh...someone get me a nurse. Hey, Margaret, come here.

(Houlihan comes over and sees Regina. We can see a slight surge of anger pass over her, but she helps)

TRAP: Frank, what the hell happened?

FRANK: It was a landmine, hit the side of the jeep.

HOT: Looks like you got out without a scratch Frank.

FRANK: Well, of course.

HAWK: Hey, get me some napkins for this little volcano back here.

TRAP: I can't believe she's still bleeding through. Hey Houlihan, mind getting some more bandages over here?!

(Hot hesitates, almost wanting to see her die-but hands them to Trapper anyway, and Frank helps to wrap them around Regina's head)

HAWK: Now we're gonna have to take an X-ray of her ankle.

(They take an X-Ray and wait in the room with her, and Radar soon returns with the results)

RAD: Hey, uh...Hawkeye, looks like a hairline fracture.

HAWK: Well, c'mon everybody, suit up, heh-not like this is a very important matter. Hey Frank, get me the stool.

(Frank hands Hawkeye the stool)

FRANK: She'll be alright, right?

HOT: What do YOU think?

FRANK: Well, it's just a simple question, only because of her cut.

HAWK: Ahh...Frank-your medical expertises continue to amaze me...YES she'll be fine, she regained consciousness during the X-rays so I gave her some morphine to ease the pain. So...she's sleeping now. (Looks down at her) What a nut.

(End Scene 3)

Act 2 Scene 4

(Regina is in bed resting, her bandaged leg propped up. As Hawk checks her IV, she wakes up)

HAWK: How are you feeling?

REG: Oh god...I don't think shitty is the word.

HAWK: Heh-so didn't I tell ya? War is hell?

REG: Yeah. But still, I wouldn't call this hell. See, since I'm not a Bible toter my domain IS hell, so says my secret husband Lucifer Devlin. So actually-I'm in heaven.

HAWK: Ahhh..I see-and is Lucifer Frank's new nickname?

REG: (Takes pillow and aims it at him-then just throws it back at her face and it rolls off)

HAWK: Hey, hey, hey-calm down, heh. I was merely stating the obvious.

REG: Why do you think we go soooooo well together?

HAWK: Because he's a ferret and you're a weasel-you're from the same family.

REG: Isn't that incest?

HAWK: Well, if you're gonna be logical about it....

REG: What makes you think I'm a weasel? Is it because of my slinky body?

HAWK: Far from THAT notion.

(Radar enters)

REG: Radar! Come here daaaarrrllinngg...How are you?

RAD: Ah, I guess I'm fine-hope you feel better though. But umm...I was just coming here to give Hawkeye his mail.

REG: Aww....oh! Don't leave!

RAD: But I have to deliver the mail.

REG: Oh...alright, but come back! (As he turns, she grabs a towel next to her bed and hits him playfully right on the rear)

RAD: Ahh!!!!

REG: Whoo-ee! I'm not even a cowgirl and I can't believe I just said that! But hot damn! I love you Radar-and believe me...I don't mean that as a pansy thing. You really ARE handsome-it was an impulse!

RAD: Yeah...some impulse.

REG: Oh Radar...I'm sorry....great-I just made a complete ass out of myself....

HAWK: You sure did! Haha.

RAD: Don't worry about it.

REG: Really?

RAD: Yeah.

REG: Are you sure? Really? I feel like a big bimbo-and look at my IV! It's bubbling like hot stew I'm so freaked out! It's just that when a man of the other..uh-gender is handsome, I can't help myself! Because really, every guy here is at least somewhat attractive.

HAWK: Yeah, and Frank's at the top of the list.

REG: (Indicating Hawkeye) Well, ALMOST every guy.

RAD: Hey guys, I gotta go. (Exits)

(Trapper enters)

TRAP: Heyy...how's Regina?

REG: Meh...

HAWK: Translation?

TRAP: I'm going to say-wonderful-wonderful enough to jump out of bed right now and lunge at Frank!

REG: NO. And also...I feel like a real fairy lying like this. Is this gonna be one of those stories where you say ‘How are you feelin' honey...?' and then I swish around in bed and give this incredibly half-assed warm smile and say ‘Hmm....I'm tired.' Isn't it like that?

TRAP: Heh-I guess you could put it that way.

REG: But really-it's true! And then, like, you kiss me and I say...well, actually I don't say anything-I just fall back asleep.

HAWK: I don't think Trapper wants to take that chance, too deadly.

REG: Hey! You can't hold a candle to Trapper. He's got a lot of good qualities-and I bet he's MARRIED-right?

TRAP: Uh huh-with two daughters.

REG: Aww....you see? Trap's got the guts to get married. You're just not committed.

HAWK: Doesn't look like you are either. You go from Radar to Trapper to Frank and back again-take your pick!

REG: Oh god-are we still going over this Frank business?

HAWK: Yes we are-and you're caught in the middle of it. I can just see it now-Mrs. Regina Burns gives birth to 5th baby. The couple plan to call it...why-what do you know? Frank Jr!

REG: Oh? And who delivers the baby?

TRAP: Hotlips! Haha.

REG: (not amused) Heh. You mean Fatlips. Oh yeah-not to change the subject-

HAWK: But to change the subject....

REG: Ugh. Benny? Where in the hell are you from anyway?

HAWK: Crabapple Cove, Maine. And would you be so nice as to stop calling me that?

REG: No, and I heard New England people are complete bores. Be off with both of you-you're boring me to eternal rest with your talk of Frank. Are you sure you're not in love with him though?

HAWK: Ohhhh....well. I mean, you know, Frank and meeeee have had looovely times together-especially at the supermarket where he picked out prune juice for his unloose stoooolllllsss....

TRAP: What did you and Frank talk about in the jeep?

REG: Ohh...I don't know. About rules and regulations-he's whining about how I should follow rules and stay away from you. But I DO follow rules.

HAWK: Hmm...he probably wants to initiate you into his type of girl. A real foxy army brat.

(Regina moves to slap him but triggers pain in her leg)

REG: Ahh...oww...goddamnit. I smite that cast down! When am I getting this off anyway?

TRAP: You need a few weeks for it to heal-it's a hairline fracture-so you're pretty lucky.

HAWK: You should know stuff like that anyway-you're a nurse aren't you?

REG: No. Ha-I was a paramedic. I just rushed people in and prepared stuff-like a normal nurse would do. And I don't know why in hell Blake sent me out on this little trip. I mean-why?!! I'm not a clerk!

TRAP: Psh-I don't know.

REG: And anyway-how did I even make it back here?

HAWK: Frank carried you.

REG: What? Oh man...great. Now I have to feel obliges to him because he "saved" me.

TRAP: Aww...poor, poor Regina.

REG: Hey listen. I'm going back to sleep-you two are sick.

HAWK: Goodnigghhtt.....Heh heh. Sweet dreams Mrs. Burns.

(End Scene 4)

Act 2 Scene 5

(Hotlips' tent)

FRANK: Oh darling, I'm glad you've accepted me back.

HOT: Don't think it Frank. Now you mind telling me what you were doing out there with Regina?

FRANK: Blake asked me to escort her.

HOT: And why in the world would he ask you to do that?!

FRANK: I was wondering the same thing-I guess he just didn't want her alone.

HOT: Alone? Where does he think we are? Listen Mister, I was BORN in the army. All I knew about was fending for myself and practically being alone! You think I knew about playmates that she probably paid to be with her? That's the only world she knows Frank. A world where everyone listens to her and gets her everything she wants-and men can fall prey to her nymphet attitude. Everything about her is easy and fake-do you see how she struts around the camp? You're going to pass me up for that?

FRANK: Of course not honey. You know how much I love you.

HOT: Yeah, sure, you're obviously spreading that love to a couple of other people like that thing, whatever she is! You've got awful taste, you know that?

FRANK: (gasp) No! No I don't! I love you!   Why do you always believe I'm in love with someone else? Oh? Am I in love with the moon because of how pretty it looks? Ohhhh!!! And what about you? I bet you love that idiot Hawkeye just as much as you've claimed to love me!

HOT: What are you talking about?

FRANK: Oh-I don't know anymore. All I know is that behind all of those....SILLY practical jokes there's some little affair going on.

HOT: Oh Christ Frank! If that were the case Hawkeye would practically be obsessed with you to the point of murdering you so he could cryogenically preserve you to stare at whenever he felt like it!

FRANK: Why must I be the cause of every damn thing? I do so much for everyone-I should be appreciated. And Regina just happens to be a nice girl, that's all!

HOT: Tell me you don't love her.

FRANK: (pause) I don't...love her.

HOT: Ugh.

FRANK: What?! I said I didn't love her!

HOT: You didn't mean a word of it! You sick, perverted pedophile! Just...get out! Get out!!!

(pushes him out and pulls tent flaps shut)

(End Scene 5)

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