HAWK: Alright, alright, let's get past all this smart-aleck stuff-what happened?
HAWK: Ohh...ho ho ho ho...it's Frank! I knew it!
REG: You see? This is why I hate you! You're still talking about him!
HAWK: Well, IS it him? You still didn't answer the question....
HAWK: Whoa! W-we've got a, heh, livewire here! And just to let you know...when you were walking with Trapper that day when your cast was taken off? It was so sappy I thought I was gonna get stuck and preserved in amber.
REG: How do you know he was there?
HAWK: Well, you know, I was just doing a daily surveillance of the ward-that's all.
REG: Ugh-you little sneak.
HAWK: Just voicing my opinion.
HAWK: You still haven't forgiven me for all the little comments I've said about Frank? They're nothing. Why are you acting this way towards me?
REG: I'm not doing anything to you.
HAWK: Yeah you are, you're giving me the uh, uh-half silent treatment! Can't you take a joke?
REG: No, not really anymore....
HAWK: Listen darling, I may have given this lecture to you before but I'm going riiiiiiight at it again!
REG: Here we go...
HAWK: You think you're all fine and dandy with your records and your posters and your rich family. You think it's all alright because you know DAMN WELL that you're beautiful, and people, especially stupid men, will love you even more if you act all innocent. It's like your secret little weapon. And by now you've already got, what? Radar, Trapper, Frank, and probably 20 other patients falling for you!
REG: Trapper? Oh please...
HAWK: Yeah, and don't brain me yet "Miss Vitallia"! I heard that patient talking to you-and you know you liked it!
REG: How in freaking hell do you think you're helping me by saying this?!!
HAWK: See? You don't know how to face the truth, you like everything to be fake and nice and happy, and-
DOC: He's dead-get ‘im out of here.
Act 3 Scene 2
(Time has passed and the man's been cleared away. Regina, Hawkeye and a recently entered Frank are now in the ward)
REG: What do you think was wrong with him?
FRANK: He had an epileptic fit, swallowed his tongue.
FRANK: Did the man say anything to you when you brought him in?
REG: I don't know why it's real important-but yeah-he said I was the most beautiful girl he ever saw and that he wanted to make it with me.
FRANK: How dare he say that! If he weren't dead we'd have to bring him up on harassment charges! (Slams fist on table)
HAWK: Yeah, sure.
REG: Awww come off it now-he was delirious.
HAWK: Uh-I think heeeee knew what he was saying.
REG: Heh-and you know what really takes the cake? The one guy that seems to be infatuated with me, in love with me, whatever you want to call it, dies minutes later. Well would you look at my luck? Man, I don't even get prudes offering themselves to me...
HAWK: Cause they're afraid!
REG: Oh what? Oh-and they can go up to some "convenient girl" that's really popular and BEG to do her homework as a form of flirting. Even the ugliest, fattest girls get boyfriends, and I'm not kidding. I'm 18 years old! And no men in my life!
FRANK: Regina darling, you have your family that loves you...and well, I'm SURE others love you. You're very loveable.
REG: I want someone to love me besides family and all that obvious crap. I mean like romantic love...but I guess cause I....have CURLY hair and am a good girl-I'm not desirable!
HAWK: Well, what do you want? Do you want me to say I love you? I love you! And so does Frank, and-
FRANK: (stiffly) In a friendly way of course.
HAWK: And tell you what-starting this summer I'll find some soldiers for you to meet.
FRANK: Pierce! You can't conduct that type of action here!
HAWK: Calm down Frank. So what do you say?
REG: (kisses him on the mouth-while Frank stands there, shocked)
HAWK: What the hell was that?
REG: Well, judging from the stench of your breath-if anyone asks about what I just did-I can say I was drunk. But thanks Hawkeye.
HAWK: Did you just call me Hawkeye?
REG: (slaps him in the face) Yeah! And if you tell anyone about this you'll be on the sharp end of the anesthetic needle once I'm through with you.
HAWK: Ohh-I'm so scared! And what about Frank? You just kissed me in front of him! (he nudges her, knowing she knows exactly what he's talking about)
REG: I take back my kiss (walks out)
Act 3 Scene 3
(It is late that same night-and at the bar, Hawkeye and Trapper, drunk off their feet, muse about Hawkeye's encounter with Regina later that day)
HAWK: And then she planted one on me-right on the kisser!
TRAP: Hahahha-and what did ferret-face do?!
HAWK: He just sat there looking like he was about to kill me!! Hahaha.
TRAP: Better be careful there Hawkeye, heh heh.
HAWK: I wouldn't worry-I think she just wants to get Frank jealous...
TRAP: Is that so?
HAWK: Uh huh. Say, you know what I'm thinking? We put some vodka in place of Reggie's usual water. She'll get real drunk and then we can catch her doing something crazy with Frank!
TRAP: Heh heh. But Hawkeye?! Doesn't Regina hate alcohol?
HAWK: She doesn't have to know! Hey Barman! Fix me a vodka in a tall glass, ok? Ahahahahaha.
TRAP: Ohhhh-this will get her Hawk-this will get her.
TRAP: Hey Regina-here. (he hands her the glass of vodka) I got water for you, hehe.
HAWK: I-I ordered it!
REG: Yeah...thanks (takes a big gulp-makes a face, sprays it out gagging) Oh god! What is this stuff?! What the hell is this, some kind of joke?!
HAWK: Well, you said that after you kissed me you'd pretend to be drunk so no one would find out! So I decided to make it easier for you!!!
REG: Refreshing, isn't it?!! (Storms towards the door)
HAWK: Hey! What was that?
FRANK: Are you alright?
TRAP: Hahahahaha-c'mon Regina! Let Frank kiss you and hug you! Or do you want Hawkeye to do it instead?!
Act 3 Scene 4
(It is an hour later, and Regina is sitting on her bed in her tent....still shaking with anger and embarrassment. Radar walks in)
REG: Oh Radar....goddamnit! I'm dealing with freaking psychos over here! I have Hawkeye giving me a glass of vodka, he let's everyone know how I kissed him, everyone thinks I secretly am in love with....oh-I don't know! Are we the only two sane ones left?
RAD: Uh-it's ok Regina. Don't worry-I'm sure Hawkeye didn't mean it that way-although I heard the whole thing and he sounded pretty convincing, but..
HAWK: Hey Regina...hold on a sec-can we talk to you?
REG: About what?! How I want to make love to Frank?! How I kissed you?! You want to talk about that? Why don't you tell the whole world?
HAWK: No-look-I'm really sorry about the whole vodka thing and all the teasing-I didn't mean it like that.
REG: You know what Pierce? In the horse world, if I were the mare, Trapper was the stud, and Radar the foal, YOU'D be the ass!!
TRAP: Heh heh.
REG: Oh god- I can't take it anymore! All you ever do is tease me and make me the butt of your STUPID practical jokes!
HAWK: Look-really Regina, I want to be serious. I know the past few weeks have bee hard, but I was just trying to break you in-you're too sensitive. (to the others) It's all probably all an act anyway.....
REG: Oh please! I think the last thing I'm doing right now is putting on an act! And I'm telling you-stupid practical jokes are nothing to pull on me! You know I don't have a quick temper...so I don't know what you're really getting out of this except me crying and you two feeling guilty.
TRAP: Look Regina-I apologize too.
REG: Oh whatever, I don't really care anymore. Everything you two say now sounds like moonshine.
TRAP: Aw come on. Listen, you know that when I saw you I thought you were something else. You're a good kid...I guess all the Frank stuff was to get you excited that you might have someone. I can tell you're lonely.
REG: I'm not lonely.
TRAP: Eh-I think you are....you just don't know it. C'mon-will you forgive me?
REG: Well...I guess. Oh god! I don't know, I don't know-I'm not the crying type, and just look at me! I wanna go home! I can't stand this place anymore-all I ever hear is people dying and screaming. And all I hear all night are my freaking bunkmates whispering about me. "Oh...will you look at her dreadful hair?" "What a slut, trying to get with all the men in the camp." They should talk, you know? Just this morning I found a piece of gum stuck on my Dana Andrews picture. I didn't put it there-so it's obvious they did.....
TRAP: Don't worry....calm down. Just lie down and take it easy alright?
HAWK: Can we get out of here?
TRAP: Ohhh....Hawkeye-you're real sympathetic.
HAWK: Well what do you want me to do?
TRAP: How about consoling her?
HAWK: Yeah-and then she'll never get to sleep cause she's gonna start complaining about how dirty I am, touching her. She's always twisting the truth...
RAD: Uh...guys! The girls are coming back!
HAWK: What's the rush?
TRAP: Just get out...
(End Scene 4)
Act 3 Scene 5
(It is a day later, late in the afternoon. We are in Regina's tent-where she sits writing in her journal. Radar enters)
RAD: Hey Regina...a package for you.
REG: Oh? Who's it from?
RAD: Uh...Mrs. Vitallia. Find of hard to read. (hands her the package)
REG: (Reads the tag) Oh yeah! Now I remember. She said how she found something in storage and how she wanted me to have it. Ahh! Alright-I'm opening it. Stay here with me though.
REG: Oh my god! It's horrible!
RAD: Wha? What is it?!
REG: Heh-only the most wonderful dress in the world! (Takes it out. It is a 20's style slinky, long, evening dress-dark blue...with matching gloves. She runs behind her room screen and puts it on. While she does this she talks to Radar) Isn't it gorgeous? It used to belong to my mother-she worked as a model for about a year before she had me! I remember her telling me about this. And it's great cause we're the same height. Radar-I'm sorry, and I know how much you want to stay and watch me dress, but I want it to be a surprise! Heh, just kidding, but still.
RAD: Uhh-ok. (He exits)